Brilliant and Fabulous

Why I haven't posted

2008-12-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in a while and it's not for lack of trying. I've started posts and not finished them. It's partially a function of being busy. And partially a realization that it was very easy to share with strangers and the whole wide world everything that was going wrong. And now that things are right - I don;'t want to share. Lord help me, but I'm turning into Beyonce and considering my relationship "sacred" or whatever the celebrity buzzword for mind your own business is.

I guess now would have been the more interesting to have been writing. Goodness and my own attempts at googling have revealed that there's few resources for black girls dating Asian guys. If I was clever or witty, I'm sure I could have retrieved a few blog postings from lunch with his mom, or Thanksgiving dinner (oh the drama of what to wear and what to bring), or the day of shopping with his mom and godmother. There's also the stares, the quizzical looks, the strangers feeling the need to comment on our Benetton-ad cuteness.

But at the end of the day, as much as some of it is undoubtedly cultural, and I do google what to say or do or bring, a lot of it isn't. I'm not sure when I stopped freaking out that I had an Asian boyfriend and just freaked out about having a boyfriend, and then stopped freaking out at all. I've never felt this secure and confident in or about a relationship. Which is why I don't need to write paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs about it here, because there's nothing to digest or stress about or ramble about. It just is. And that's nice.

So I guess I need to think of other things to be brilliant and fabulous about since I have this part of my life figured out...stay tuned

Oldie but goodie: Love Matters

2008-10-15T15:48:00.000-07:00

In the run up to the November 4th election and the vote in California on Proposition 8, a ballot initiative that would place an anti-gay marriage amendment on the CA constitution, I've decided to re-post an article from my old blog. I wrote it on Valentine's Day 2006. Since then, the Supreme Courts in California and Connecticut have issued decisions allowing gay marriage. There's the possibility that history and the courts may be moving in the direction of equality. Unfortunately, some people choose to use fear and bigotry to push through ballot measures that would undo years of work and place hate into the supreme law of the most populous state in the union.

If you read my blog and you live in CA, Vote NO on Prop 8

Today is Valentine's Day. A day when couples around the nation (world?) celebrate love and happiness and other gushy stuff that I couldn't care less about.

That said, I feel compelled to use today to post about Marriage Equality. This is the day of the year that is about love (ok, and chocolate) and the greatest manifestation of love is marriage and dedicating your life to 1 other person and building a family with him/her. However, in 49 states in the nation, 7% of the adult population (15 million) is not able to legally marry. Yes, this nation that is currently fighting for equality and an end to religious oppression in other nations denies a significant portion of its citizens this fundamental right. Why? Does their love matter less than everyone else?

No. But this isn't about love. It's about fear. It's about discrimination. And it's about hate.

Because if everyone thought about the benefits of granting equal rights of marriage regardless of gender or sex, they wouldn't have an argument against it. But thinking about the benefits - I can find several arguments for it:

Continued discrimintation is un-constitutional: Beyond the arguments about church and state, is the fact the Supreme Court has already ruled that marriage is an fundamental right that all people in the United States are entitled to. In the case of Loving v Virginia, 1967, the court held that, "The freedom to marry has long been recognized as one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by free men." In the majority opinion, Chief Justice Warren writes that

Marriage is one of the "basic civil rights of man," fundamental to our very existence and survival...To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State's citizens of liberty without due process of law.

Going out on a limb, I would not just apply the due process clause of the 14th ammendment, but I would also use the lesser regarded "privledges and immunities" clause. As a refresher, the 14th ammendment reads:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws

By narrowly defining marriage as being between a man and a woman, you are depriving people of their lives and the priviledge afforded to all citizens to get married. Only in the circumstance of bigamy is marriage otherwise hampered. You can get married while on death row for murder - when stripped of most other rights, but you cannot marry if you will be marrying someone of your same sex.

Further, marriage discrimination is anti-competitive. States that want the edge on attracting the best and brightest workers should start recognizing all marriages soon. 211 of the Fortune 500 and 3/4 of the Fortune top 50 companies offer "spousal equivalent" or domestic partner benefits to their lesbian and gay employees. Because states currently have a patchwork of rights (or denial of rights) afforded to GLBT citizens - ranging from legalized same-sex marriages in Massachusetts to basic domestic-partner benefits in other states and an explicit denial of all rights in Virginia - companies with wide-spread offices face challenges in offering benefits and face the possibility that some of their best workers will avoid or refuse transfers and promotions to states that are hostile to their families.

I suppose first we should step back and solidify the argument that these benefits are good for business. In the most basic of terms, its a case of equal pay for equal work. Benefits can be up to 40% of total compensation. Because they are often based on marriage (although discrimination based on marital status is illegal), employees who are married technically make more than employees who do not. At the same time, because most states have not legalized gay marriage, benefits based on marriage are unattainable for gay workers. Further, Domestic partner benefits are a generally inexpensive enhancement to overall compensation packages that play a large part in recruitment and retention of employees. In fact, they are the #1 most effective recruiting incentive for executives and #3 for managers and line employeeds. Finally, one could use this arguement from the Human Rights campaign in regards to the increase in productivity for offering domestic partnership benefits.

A domestic partner benefits program will also improve employees' productivity by alleviating personal stress that may keep them from focusing fully on work. At least one workplace advocate has employed a simple formula to measure the dollar amount of increased productivity created by a fair and inclusive work environment for GLBT workers. The formula conservatively assumes the number of
GLBT employees in any workplace to be 5 percent and the amount of productivity associated with a safe and equitable workplace to be 10 percent. Using these figures, you can illustrate how much money a company might lose by not providing a safe and equitable workplace. (For example: A company with a workforce of 1,000 employees would have 50 GLBT employees [1,000 x 0.05=50]. If the average salary is $40,000, the average loss in productivity per GLBT worker per year is $4,000 [$40,000 x 0.10=$4,000]. Thus, the total annual loss to the company in productivity would be $200,000 [50 x$4,000=$200,000].)

Jumping back to the original argument of the anti-competitive nature of marriage discrimination, companies that make the smart business decision to offer such benefits should - and will - choose to not do business in a state that, based on descrimination, causes the financial and logistical nightmare described above.

Finally, love matters. In a time when 50% of marriages end in divorce, it doesn't make sense to punish anyone who wants to be in a loving relationship. The Human Rights Campaign has a beautiful homepage up today that shows the relationships that our GLBT friends, loved ones and neighbors are in - in spite of discrimination. How many of us can say that we have found the person with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives? And how many of us would accept that we cannot marry that person because a few people are uncomfortable or find a moral objection to our relationship? I think most of us would be pretty flipping mad.

It's time to support marriage equality. GLBT couples in 8 states are currently in legal battles to fight for their rights. Show the courts and the legislatures that love matters - not discrimination. Visit www.hrc.org or www.lambdalegal.org to learn how to make a difference.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Less than 6 degrees of separation

2008-10-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

Reason #456679 to fly under the radar:

I'm sitting at book club and mention that one of my coworkers is very happy with a mutual friend's performance as a realtor. I mention that I'd recommended 2 different friends: Person A - the mutual girl friend and Person B - a guy friend who has occasionally been more than that. My book club friend looks at me and says how do you know "______ ______." I look at her and say, how do you know "____________ _____________"

Wow. Just goes to show, there's only 10 of us and they do the rest with mirrors

I'm ba-ack

2008-10-06T13:17:00.000-07:00

So, so, so, so much to say. But there’s so little I actually should say in such a public forum. So I’m going to toe the line. I know some people (hi, Patty) are dying for a full update. And others may be mildly curious.

[though who am I fooling – most people come to my blog after searching about natural hair or afros…And I’m happy to say I LOVE my fro and just got a great cut, but this blog is not about natural hair…sorry]

Well – I have my life back. I produced my first big event for work and it went wonderfully. I hit my goal, went over budget (some items were poorly budgeted and others improperly budgeted), and feel great about it. I’m exhausted though. I have thoroughly crashed, but I’m not taking any days off till my grandfather comes to visit in a few weeks.

In other news…yes, K is still around.

Which is a surprisingly apathetic response, but short of standing on top of a mountain and screaming about how I have found the nicest, realest, kindest, funnest, happiest, everything-est man on the face of the earth, I can’t really do how I feel justice. I feel so comfortable and so happy with him.

And only a little bit scared.

And everyday, I get a little better about quieting the scared part. I get a little more open to making plans more than a month out. I feel a little more ready for this. A little more. Not a lot more. I’m still…well…terrified. I’m trying to let go and let God and just be present. But this is dragging me, all but kicking and screaming, away from everything I ever knew and challenging pretty much every idea I had about life and love and relationships. I really need to just take some sit down time and meditate/pray on this. It’s pretty undeniable what I feel, but it’s so freaking scary….and by scary (which is a cop-out inadequate word for it), I mean it’s refreshing and liberating and new. And it’s so new that I don’t know how to handle it. Which is scary.

Beyond that – I’m excited for the election. I’m refusing to think about what could happen if Obama doesn’t win. He will win. I’ve got some other posts I need to make in regards to some of the issues on the CA ballot – those will be posted soon.

That’s it for now. I promise, I’m back from the wilderness and I’ll be posting more often.

All I can say is...

2008-08-22T18:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a month.

So, K is a little weirded out by the fact that I have a blog and could potentially be leaking all kinds of information about our personal life out to the world. And since he doesn't want the link he doesn't know that I really don't share that much. So out of respect for him, this will be the last post that talks about him and/or us for a while - so until something major happens or I feel hugely compelled to write.

But I have to share that it's been a month. A whole month. An ENTIRE MONTH of dating K. And it's pretty great. I like being around him. He's sweet and kind and funny and smart and tells me that I'm great. We're still facing the "challenge" of race. I'm still a wee bit paranoid that people are staring. We've stopped discussing the challenge of having to tell his parents eventually, but it's there. And definitely gives me pause before I get "in too deep." He's close to his family and depending on ho hard of a time they gave him about it, I don't want my heart trampled if they don't like me or me being black.

Other than that, I'm just glad to finally be gaining some insight into being in a relationship and figuring myself out. As much as there's a part of me who doesn't want to get too far into it and really resents the fact that I could be dating him for a while and nothing could come of it, I'm starting to see the value in "recreational dating." Yes, I like having someone who tells me I'm great and gives me the most amazing adoring looks. But, I also am learning about me and what I want and how to pick my battles in a way I never did in other relationships. We've had small (miniscule) disagreements over tiny (teensy) things, and I'm figuring out what matters and how to say it and how to just be. And how to read into what he's not saying vs what he is.

But that's it - for now.

Seriously?

2008-08-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

So I saw the Old Man on Tuesday. The 40-year old guy I was sleeping with earlier this year who ditched me then defriended me...I saw him Tuesday at a yelp event. I looked pretty good - my hair wasn' great by the time he said hi, but it looked good when we waved at each other from across the room early in the evening.

So he sends me a PM saying "it was great to see you at Butterfly". After giving it 24 hours...cause I'm to busy to reply immediately, I was going to reply. Except I'm blocked from sending him messages. Why is he so weird? More importantly why do I care?

Rubbing off on me

2008-08-08T14:39:00.000-07:00

Suddenly - all the things I thought I didn't want:
Husband
Kids
A House
Stability
Happily Ever After

I want. DESPERATELY. All that sappy romantic dribble.

Yes. My biological clock has clicked on.

Too bad I need to hit the snooze button.

But I think it's being around all these happy, stable couples and seeing that that's actually possible. Sheesh - Californians have been a terrible influence on me

Society's continued assault on black women

2008-08-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

Maybe it's an assault on women in general.

But I'm focusing on me.

A black woman. A black woman who definitely has to put on some armor before facing whatever it is that the world has in store for me on a given day.

And is tired of it. And frightened by what it's doing to our younger girls.

The granddaughter of a family friend came to visit last weekend. Her grandmother wanted to introduce her to my world and show the benefits of not giving into what seems to be expected of our young black girls: sexual promiscuity, low self esteem, being unhealthy, not being smart, not being successful, not being whatever it is that she wants to be.

I was, of course, flattered, nervous, and intimidated by her visit. I've heard good reports from her mother and grandmother about some positive changes. YAY! But I have to say I learned so much from her too. Mostly that I'm SO glad I went to high school 7-10 years ago. The things she was telling me - the peer pressure around sex and dating and academic success (or lack there of) saddened me. I'm terrified that there's a whole generation of black girls growing up who think that the entirety of their value lies between their legs and that being smart and confident is unnecessary. There's also a generation of black boys who think that their value lies in acquiring notches on their bed post and who have been told that they don't need to respect women. She has more "Ay, Shawty" stories than I do and she's 10 years younger than I. On one hand, I'm sure she'll be street wise enough to ignore guys she doesn't meet indoors, but what type of world is it where you have to be wary of everyone who approaches you. And the kicker. The piece de resistance is that she has classmates who made a "hit it before summer" list. Yes...a list of the girls they wanted to do before summer. And they're FRESHMEN. In HIGH SCHOOL.

Maybe (just maybe) I grew up in a box. Actually, not only was I a virign when I got to college, but I'd also never been kissed. Yeah, ok, maybe part of that was because no one was paying me any attention, but it was also SO far from my mind. I was so focused on getting the heck out of Indiana and succeeding, that I wasn't thinking about boys and sex, I knew that that would get in the way of my actual goals. So the idea that 9th graders are that scheming and deliberate about something that is so "outside their maturity level"[1] frightens me.

And it makes me wonder why. So I asked her. I had always been a defender of "the media" and of multinational corporations. No more. Apparently that is a driving force. Apparently all of the hyper-sexualized images that are bombarding our kids are seeping in. I know...wonder of all wonders, right? But really. She says it does.

Whoa.

Nevertheless - that was all backstory for the rant of the day. I'm checking my favorite blogs, and I see this:

Yes. It's my favorite celebrity, Beyoncé, showing off the great photoshop job that L'Oreal did. L'Oreal swears that's her real skin tone. Sure. I've never liked Beyonce for a NUMBER of reasons - mostly because I'm thoroughly convinced that she's cheap and talentless. But in all fairness, if she was white I'd have no problem with it (see example 1: Jessica Simpson or 2: Britney Spears). They're good at what they're good at but they're not exactly beacons of anything great. But this is taking it a little far. Really? Do you really have to take a light-skinned black girl and make her lighter? On top of the blond? Really? REALLY? But apparently she's just been lightening a little bit on her own.

This is only weeks after Young Berg's Brown Bottom-gate issues. If you didn't hear about it, consider yourself lucky. But basically one of the latest mediocre rappers said that he doesnt like dark skinned girls (brown bottoms) and likes to issue a swimming pool test (aka likes girls with "wash n wear" hair - meaning no naps). And this bozo is still getting air time and probably still getting laid by some poor little girl with light skin but no self respect.

And where does it stop? At what point do we say, enough is enough? At what point does it stop being cool to simultaneously erode the sexuality of black women by rarely showing us as standards of beauty while placing all emphasis on not our beauty, but our supposed sexual prowess? It makes me dizzy. What kind of women are these girls going to grow up to be? Not the kind of women I want to be sharing the workforce (or the world) with.

So this is war. I'm investigating lyrics and taking all rumors of mysogyny as fact. I never used L'Oreal (or any of it's syster brands, including Lancome) and I'm not going to start now. I'm not listening to the music, watching the movies, or buying the products anymore. Let's just call it a new wave of black feminism that demands that society, "the media", multinational corporations and EVERY ONE ELSE, stop using our music, our faces, our men, and each other to tear us down.

So who's with me?

On Faith and Forgiveness

2008-08-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

I alluded to this post a while ago, but I’m finally writing it now. My pastor has been really hitting faith hard as a topic lately. It’s been great for me because I needed it. Correction: I need it.

So, Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) says: “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.” My pastor has really focused on this verse – several times. Looking at the first half, he emphasized that you may feel like you’re having a crisis of faith, but you’re really having a crisis of hope…that at some point, you’ve lost it or stopped hoping.

Yeah

Whoa, right? That’s part of the reason I love this church, I feel like some of the sermons are written just for me. I realized when he said that that I’d stopped even hoping for anything. I ‘d stopped using the gift of my faith, because my hope was gone.

The second half means knowing that what I don’t see is already there. Superficially – a healthier, fitter body is already inside me. So is financial security. And happiness and lots of things. Another verse says that Faith is the title deed (or ownership) of what I will soon have.

Another verse that pastor has used in this series is Mark 11:23-26. “Truly I tell you, if you say to this mountain, ‘go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and do not doubt in your heart but believe that what you say will happen, it will be done for you. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against another, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven can forgive you your sins”

The first 3 times he covered these verses, he didn’t include 26 – the bit about forgiveness, but when he did something just clicked that so many of my prayers were being stunted by my inability to forgive…that I was holding so much against my father, step father the enigma, the old man, other guys, other people…that I had now space in my mind for the hope and belief that what I was asking for would come. Not only that, but it allowed me easy excuses for failing and was taking glory away from God. I should be praising him for getting me through college – instead, I’m sitting here thinking it was me doing it “in spite of” my father’s lack of support. And there were many other areas where this was the case.

So, a few weeks ago, I prayed for Got to help me forgive and to forgive me. And I swear – it’s all be lifted. I think about some of it. I’m still hurt by my stepfather and my father’s general uselessness, but God is my true father – so what does that matter? I still resent the Enigma and Old man for using me – but I allowed it. And forgive them.

And now – so much that I’ve been acting in faith for is happening. I had asked for faith to get healthier, And the faith to sustain hope in positive relationships. And while I’m still getting used to acting in faith and in expectation – so eating healthier and working out...I’m getting there. It’s not an issue anymore. I want to workout. I want to be around people who add things to my life, and I want to add to others’ lives.

Being in a state of forgiveness and faith has just opened up my heart and mind and spirit for so much more. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m now open to being in a relationship with K. Heck – I’ve even had the chance to be more of a sister to my half-brother…and I hope to eventually build a stronger relationship with him. And I expect it to happen.

My pastor preached on getting ready for New Experiences today – and the more I hear and learn and read, the more I’m excited and expecting these new experiences and how great they’ll be.

Pinch me...or wow, are things actually clicking?

2008-07-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

Dear readers...I'm happy to report that your terminally single blogger is no longer terminally single.

Or something like that.

So Monday night...yes, the very day that I'd written that I didn't know what was going on with K...he comes over and we talk and things are generally smoothed out. I can say that both of us are suprised by this. It's only been a few weeks, so no, no wedding bells, but there's definitely a connection. Enough of one that I cut C (the other guy I went out with a couple weeks ago). We've made plans a couple weeks out. We've talked about the race thing. And having to tell his mother - eventually - that he's not dating a Chinese girl. Basically, we've talked it out and established that we are dating. That we both enjoy each other's company.

And now we're working the rest out.

I'm learning that the large amounts of hair product needed to pull my hair back (and control it) will leave stains if I lean on his shoulder. That his kisses are a little slobbery (but not terribly so). That he owns exactly 5 pairs of shoes - and I think more than 5 pieces of Oakland Atheletics items. He sings tenor, enjoys his job, but is really passionate about music. I've replaced his XBox and watching TV with his roommates. He likes routines and schedules and consistency. He's learned that I occasionally put on way too much hair product (in my defense - I've only had long natural hair for a month or so...I'm still learning). That I love shopping sales. That I bought 4 pairs of JCrew flip flops over the last 2 weeks. That my friends and I have our own message board. That I'm not sure about having kids. That I don't consider going hiking out doors. That I don't make decisions about where to go for dinner. That my apartment, car, and office will always be just a little (or a lot) bit messy. That I fear and don't trust routines and stability. That I'm willing to move across country at the drop of a hat.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that it's a bit bizarre to be plopped down into a relationship (is that what this is?) so quickly. Bizarre and terrifying. And I, of course, am waiting to be pinched...he can't be this great, right?

Here we go again...kinda...not really

2008-07-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

Bear with me - I know I'm probably not going to make too much sense, but I'm trying to corral my thoughts, and what better place to do that then in front of the 70-100 people who read my blog (thanks, BTW).

And so...let me just say for my own knowledge:
K (more adequate nickname to come) is not the Enigma.

K is not the Enigma.

K is not the Enigma.

...

Yeah, I keep having to remind myself of this. K is not the Enigma. K is nice. Genuinely nice. Attentive. Understanding. Cool. I want to be a better person around him. I have fun with him. He remembers things. He helps me to laugh about my completely useless - but not intentionally malicious, just lost and living in post-adolescense father. Really. Me. Laugh. Cause it's sad but it's still funny cause he's not bad, just pathetic. And K is considerate. Patient. I can lose an entire hour talking with him. And I lose this hour nearly every day. And I love it. Me. On the phone.

Yet, I feel the horrible naggy part of me saying: You thought this last time. And after the last time you said you'd be more careful and ...

Well, shut up horrible naggy part of me. This isn't the last time. This is this time.

But how do you keep all of the this times from being the last time? And if the only way to keep the this time from being the last time is to be crazy and obsessive and paranoid (yeah, I know I'm that anyway), then this time won't be too great anyway.

And so, it's making me crazy(er) because as much as I want to be open and fearless and chill and just enjoy K, I don't want to get hurt. I also don't want to spend a year mooning after an emotionally unavailable guy. And I don't want to miss out on someone great.

And so here I am. Absolutely batshit crazy(-er than usual). And without any clue what to do. The girls and the older brother recommend a state of the state conversation. You know, a what's up/are you thinking what I'm thinking coversation. My fear is that I lack the ability to articulate the fact that I pretty much like him without sounding...uhmmm...batshit crazy or obsessive or both. And I'm sure, with time, he'll learn that I am those things, but I want to give it time. Of course, I could passive agressively send him a link to this lovely blog (HA) and watch him run for the hills.

Or, I guess I could learn to live with the uncertainty. Yes, I like patterns and consistency and knowing that if I do X then Y happens. And yes, it drives me crazy that this time is this time. It may bear some resemblances to last time. But it's not last time. And it won't be next time either.

And so, all I can do is say K is not the Enigma...or the Old Man, or the loser, or the loser before that, or...and let myself see who he is. So far, I like that.

It's Still America

2008-07-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

What perfect timing for this post that CNN is airing it's Black in America Extravaganza. I don't have a TV, so I'm not watching it, but I've heard mixed opinions. I'd like to see a tape sometime - maybe I should look for the clips online.

But of course, I am black and living in America. I don't need Soledad O'Brien or any of the official mouthpieces of the black experience to tell me what it means. I know what it means. I live it everyday.

This is particularly interesting this week as I've faced 2 reminders that not all of the US is like the quasi-racial-utopia that is Oakland and the parts of DC where I lived. That not all of the US or even the Bay Area realize that there can be rich black people. I grew up knowing this, but have become softened by a world where there are people of color in different socioeconomic positions is normal, where people don't look at me and assume that I'm poor or stealing, where my BAP-y-ness is accepted and respected.

So, last Saturday, I ventured to Walnut Creek to do a little shopping. I needed some hair product, so I ducked into Sephora hoping that this location (even with the low # of minorities) would carry Carol's Daughter. I was casual, but cute, brown cotton/silk sweater dress, jeweled flat sandals, big sunglasses, Fendi Spy bag on my shoulder, afro big and curly and held back with a headband - you know, Saturday afternoon chic. But I walk into Sephora and NO ONE can be bothered to help. It's a narrow store, but I didn't see the usual Carol's Daughter island. Remembering that the Bay Street location, also has CD in the back with hair products, I walk back - nothing. I do 2 or 3 laps around the store with my "lost" look on. Nothing. A few glances, but no help. Finally I approach a black-clad sales associate who tells me they don't carry Carol's Daughter but they do have a few items in the back, what did I need. Balm, Rosemary Shampoo, Hair Milk. She radios for one of the sales associates, who tells another sales associate something, then my girl walks away. In the meantime, I stroll back to the PhytoSpecific line thinking that if they even make an effort to sell it to me, I'll try it cause another customer had raved about it a few weeks ago. But no. The associate comes from the back with her arms full of a mish mosh of CD products - and only 1 thing is useful - hair milk. Sigh. I find out the the first associate is a manager. Still no one has tried to actually sell me anything. I say never mind, get a few more samples of Phyto and leave. Yesterday, at Bay Street, I learn that they could have shipped me my products for free.

Today, however, was worse. I had to go to the peninsula to drop off a mailing at the mail house. Being that close to JCrew, I decided to pop over to Stanford to get a few more pairs of flip flops (a recent obsession). I also wanted to drop into Banana Republic to pick up other styles of these shoes mom had sent me. I walk in the store, and being on a tight schedule, go straight to the shoes, pick one up and then look around - no one. I circle the store - still, no one. One more time (also trying to find the sale racks) no one. I check out the sale racks, see nothing, walk back up front and finally ask a desk clerk. Meanwhile, 5-6 associates have looked at me, and walked away or continued their conversations. One flat out made eye contact and then shifted it and turned. That same one, as I was talking to the desk associate with about 20 inches between us, WALKED BETWEEN US, forcing me to jump back to avoid being stepped on. Whoa. Uh. I'm not a small woman. I was wearing giant heeled wedges (from their store), making me darn near 6ft tall, bright green, big afro, and was dressed for work (so I definitely wasn't look schlubby) - you saw me. You made a concerted effort to walk over me. You're some sales associate at Banana Republic waiting on college kids from Stanford and various upper middle class women. You're making what? $10, $11 a hour. Not to be a bitch - but that's what I was making doing your job in college - come on chick. I'm shopping at your store, you work there. Yeah, she may have a rich husband at home, but let's assume she doesn't. And you just think you can walk on me???

But I guess this is still America. A black man is running for president, but a black woman still can't possibly earn you much commission. A former coworker asked me why I was still so cynical about the US in spite of Obama's candidacy, popularity, and success. This is why. Because him being president won't change the hearts and minds of the average white American. An Obama presidency promises many wonderful, great, shiny, bright, hopeful things, but it probably won't put a huge dent in the issues covered by Soledad O'Brien this week. It won't undo the centuries of ingrained hate and distrust amongst the races. It won't put more black women in magazines as models. Convince make up manufacturers other than MAC and Bobbi Brown to make foundation in more shades than "dark." It won't make pants that fit a bubble butt and solid thighs appear on the shelves. And it won't make bitches in stores provide me with the level of service that they would some PWT who has no money, but is white, so she must be right. I am hopeful for an Obama presidency and I know he'll do great things...

But at the end of the day, it'll still be America.

When it rains, it...yeah

2008-07-21T09:33:00.000-07:00

So after years of meeting jerks or no one, I meet not one, but 2 nice guys in a week. TWO!

So, yeah, Friday, I went to the symphony with K (real nicknames to be created eventually). Then we went to dinner then drinks then watched a movie at his place. Yeah - that's a lot in an evening. But he's fun. He's chill. He's as culturally conflicted as I, but um...isn't black. I'm HUGELY paranoid that people are looking at us. I mean, if they are, that's their problem, but it's such a huge challenge for me right now. I've only dated one other non-black guy, and like K, he was from a pretty traditional family for his culture....they weren't so much cool with the black chick. This is totally jumping the gun - but it's something that is kinda poking me in the back of the head before I go too far, Anyway, I also saw him Saturday at a BBQ for his roommate's birthday. What I can say is that I truly enjoy being around him. There's not many people that I could spend hours and hours with and not get annoyed by something. It's very comfortable - when I'm not dealing with the superficial.

Then Sunday, I went out with C - a guy I met on match. He emailed me last week, and we've exchanged a few really long emails, but had some really horrible phone calls - neither of us are very good phone people, so there was a lot of silence both times. He and I went for a walk and a picnic at Lake Chabot. It was really a great first date. Like perfect. And he's really sweet. He brought 4 or 5 different sandwiches so I could pick. There was less silence in real life, but still not as easy as talking with K.

But, the thing is, I had a really great weekend. And I've now met 2 really nice guys. And one looks like he could be related to Antonio Bandaras. Seriously.

And I'm trying to not let it freak me out. In a yet to be written blog article, I'll post about a recent epiphany about faith and forgiveness. But I recently prayed to be able to forgive the Enigma - and I really didn't think about him till today. And I'm really trying to just stay open to the possibilities. That's why I'm not letting the stupid, superficial thoughts about race or a few awkward conversations (I was def nervous...wonder about him) stand in the way of something great. Nor am I letting the fact that the Enigma was a jerk force me to be unnecessarily protective of my feelings. So I'm just enjoying for now.

Singing in the rain...so to speak

Fine then...you were right

2008-07-18T11:40:00.001-07:00

Yeah - all of you with the "when you stop looking..." advice.

Fine. You were right.

I was wrong.

And I may, or may not, be going out with a very nice guy met at happy hour last week.

And I may, or may not, have had 1 very nice conversation with a guy met on match.com.

And I may, or may not, have had 1 other guy email me.

But...I will say you were right. But for fear of jinxing things, I'm not going to say anything else. And if you gloat - I definitely won't say anything else.

When being cute is ugly

2008-07-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

I’m a on a health kick lately, so I’ve been spending more time at the gym and less time at the bar. One of my favorite spinning instructors has started teaching a shadow boxing class, so I decided to give it a try. It’s a combination of boxing drills with cardio and plyometric intervals. It was fun.

Except for the 3 “cute” girls in the class.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in looking put together at all times. I try to make sure my gym clothes match and I comb my hair before showing up, but that’s the extent of my attempts to look cute before the gym. I’m there to get ugly, sweaty, stinky and dirty. If I’m not dripping with sweat and feeling/looking whooped, then it’s not a good work out.

Which is a mindset that makes me different from about 90% of the other black women at the gym. The 3 cute girls in this class had the idea that the gym is a great place to meet guys while kinda doing something active. One kept posing and trying to keep her hair in place. The other two spent at least 25 of the 45 minute class talking to each other while standing or sitting still. Every tough drill was met with mumbles, grumbles, sighs and finally, standing still to talk. Then after class, they put their coordinating jackets on, grabbed their puma bags and walked to their car as if they’d really done something.

This morning, I told the instructor that I had wanted to ask them to leave. Quite honestly, they were distracting me. Plus why were they there, if not to work? What I said opened up the flood gates of 5 weeks of frustration from teaching these women. As a black man who (I guess) frequently dates white women and who puts a lot of time and effort into staying in shape and being healthy, he was perturbed by their “cute” behavior. He spent 10, maybe 15, minutes talking about the frustration of seeing our community deal with preventable illnesses that are attributable to sedentary lifestyles and bad eating. He talked about not seeing blacks on the many FREE hiking trails we have around here (yeah – I’ve experienced that, too). And of seeing the black women stand around the gym and his class and thinking that it’s “cute.” And of having to defend his decision to date white women even though they have more closely aligned interests to him.

And then he asked me why they do that. Well for his class it’s easy. He’s very good looking and likable. Spending an hour with him is pretty cool. These girls probably are looking “cute” for him. But they’re missing the whole point that he’s in shape and healthy and is probably looking for the same thing (or something similar) in a potential mate – meaning that standing around is not going to work for him. In one girl’s defense, she was actually moving, so she’s caught on to that point.

But really, why are we, as black women, willing to sacrifice our health, happiness, and life for vanity? There’s a guest post on one of my favorite blogs AverageBro today. The author used one paragraph to talk about the few black women he saw at a recent Atlanta Braves game. Apparently these women were in heels and were…well…being cute. He used this as an opportunity to point out that when white women go to games, they dress down and maybe this was just another example of why black men date white women. When the comments flared up, he defended his statement, explaining that baseball isn’t the only reason, but is one instance where black women and men aren’t speaking the same language

Like this author, I don’t think that being “cute” is the cause of the demise of the black family, bad health or anything else. But I do think that being “cute” is hindering the growth of black women. The fear of sweating back our hair, the squeezing into that outfit for that event, the whatever we do for the sake of being "cute" – holds us back from experiencing so much in life. What would happen if we just said – I’m going to work out so I can be healthy. We’d be healthy….and cuter. Or if we said – I’m going to go to the baseball game and be comfy and wear my team’s hat and get a hot dog (cause you know eating will mess up your lipstick). We’d have fun…and be cuter.

Here’s the secret being “cute” is not cute. In fact, it’s ugly. Real ugly. Living life, having fun, and being open to new experiences – that’s cute.

PS

2008-07-11T14:40:00.001-07:00

Ask and you shall receive.

Miss you, too, Patty xo. When you FINALLY decide to come home, you have to stop in Cali, ok?

Adventures in (not) dating

2008-07-11T12:18:00.001-07:00

Yeah – I’m back on Match.com. Because I’m a masochist, obviously. I love the self-torture of subjecting myself to paying for reject. FUN!

So things didn’t work out with the figment of my imagination. We met once. Hung out for HOURS playing Scrabble, drinking tea, and having dinner. Yes, he was fat and not rich and had HORRIBLE clothes (truly tragic clothing). But he was nice and sweet, and I had thoroughly enjoyed his company and conversation over the months. Of course after we met, he disappeared. Just like – whoosh – gone.

So that’s over. Haven’t heard from the enigma or the old man either. I occasionally think of them, but it’s not as hard as it was back in March.

So it’s just Match.com for now…which is pretty horrible. I posted the picture that’s also my profile picture here – I’ve had lots of looks at my profile, but only 2 emails. Seriously – that’s less than a 2% response rate. I’ve emailed guys and have had 0 responses. Um, yeah. It’s definitely driving me crazy. I’m a results-oriented person….so I’m getting pretty obsessed with the fact that there’s no results.

So that’s that – same song, different day – sorry there’s nothing more exciting to say there.

I am my hair….or Why my afro is an act of courage

2008-07-11T11:34:00.001-07:00

Not quite a year ago I got a weave. It seemed like an okay idea at the time, I was trying to grow my hair out and was bored with braids. I have to admit, I loved it. It was fun. I got looks. No dates, but lots of “Hey, Shawty-s” – which is what every woman wants, right?.
Well, my hair grew. And in March, my stylist said it was getting too long to reasonably keep putting it in a weave. So a few weeks ago, I took it out. That night, I let her blow it dry and flat iron/press it. I’ve flat ironed it twice since and have not enjoyed the hassle of dealing with it, plus I’ve fried a corner of it and my curls are doing something funky – probably cause I had the heat too high.

So now, I’m rocking the afro and its variants.

I like it. It looks like me. It’s work to get the curls right and bright and glossy and defined, but it looks good on me – I think at least. And when my outfit is right, I think it looks very chic…like how I think that a black Michael Kors or J Crew model should look – classic, but with a funky twist. And the little girls at church like it – and I think that if a 5 or 10 year old likes it, that’s saying something, because they’re so much more honest than the rest of us.

But I’ve had at least 5 grown ups ask me: what are you doing with your hair now? My answer is: wear my hair. To which they reply: “Oh.” Because not straightening or texturizing or braiding or weaving my hair is such a crazy idea, right? Heaven forbid I just wear my hair.

Which is why my afro is an act of courage. Yeah, I’ll probably straighten it on first and second and third dates and for interviews or any other high-importance event because people do not seem to be with it as far afros. But the rest of the time, I’m being brave enough to wear my hair. Plus – it’s just hair. Hell-O…I’ve been bald before and would shave it again in a heart beat. My new job is with an organization whose mission is to inspire girls to be strong, smart, and bold, and staff is expected to model that mindset everyday at the office. In a little way, I hope that my afro encourages the girls that are around the office to be healthy with all decisions – including hair care and wearing the hair they’re given.

My afro is an act of loving myself and finding the courage to be happy with my beauty. And I’m trying – every day – to be more like my hair.

Pardon the Interruption

2008-07-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

Sorry I disappeared for a few weeks. The new job has me actually doing work at work. Gasp! I know, right? But I, dare I say it, like it. The work is hard, challenging, but good. It’s nice to be someplace where I am valued and what I’m doing is valuable to people. Never underestimate the value of work that matters.

I’ve got a couple new post ideas in my head – as soon as I have time to write, they’ll be online.

Brilliant and Fabulous...in PRINT

2008-06-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

I've made it into my neighborhood newspaper. Hooray for me! Woohoo!

Seriously - I wrote this mostly in response to some round about arguing on the neighborhood association listserv, and an edited version made it into the paper. You can get a hard copy at local businesses along MacArthur Blvd.

We Are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For: Our Response to Crime in Our City

There is nothing new about crime and violence in the city of Oakland. We live in a city with an underfunded police force, an underfunded school system, and an overstretched social network that can't reach everyone who needs it. The challenge falls to us, the residents, to find a solution and build a better, safer city.

Lately, the crime seems like drug-resistant bacteria immune to the past cures. But both the cure and the preventive measure are already inside the neighborhood. We simply need to take advantage of it by building our community.'

In the Laurel District, where I live, we are often vulnerable to some crimes because we are away from our homes so much of the time, creating an opportunity for criminals to act. There aren't enough residents out—walking, gardening, and even driving around—to keep them at bay. And because we're so often not at home, many of us don't know our neighbors—particularly the young men—and have no opportunity to keep track of who may or may not be causing trouble.'

First, we can address this by being active within the neighborhood—taking walks, tending our gardens, and patronizing our merchants—so criminals know that if anything happens it will be noticed.

Second, we must be nosy with a purpose. Pay attention to your neighbors. What kids and teens are on your street? Who are their friends? When are they around? This not only helps deter the troublemakers but also, should something ever happen to one of the kids (a lost child, an abduction, an injury, etc.), you know whom to contact.

Third, be the squeaky wheel. Don't just accept empty promises that cost officials nothing and us everything; demand (new) solutions and reject the status quo. Oakland probably won't get the police force we want for many years. We need to find alternatives that will address the problem with the resources we have.

Finally, be patient. When your doctor gives you a prescription, you are told to take the entire dose—even if your symptoms go away. Crime may fade or even get worse as we try to fight it, but we can't give up. The city will not get better if we leave.'

We can choose to live in fear and take actions that do nothing to break the cycle of violence, or we can choose to live in hope and take actions that create the better future we all want. In the words of the Hopi Elders, "We are the ones we've been waiting for."

Cat got your tongue?

2008-06-06T22:19:00.000-07:00

"Never again must we be shy in the face of the evidence."

Bill Clinton said this in his speech when the U.S. finally got it's act together to respond to the genocide in Rwanda.

And yet, we are still being shy in the face of the evidence of genocide in Darfur, which is spreading into violence throughout Sudan and the region. We are still being shy in the face of the questionable human rights situation in China. We are still being shy in the face of our own duplicity in Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, Haditha, and elsewhere.

Yet we are outspoken in response to crises of our own American imagination and/or creation. We are outspoken against Iran. Against Cuba. We were outspoken against Iraq. We were shy in Afghanistan until the situation forced us to act.

And that, my friends, is the name of the game. We have a history of situational shyness. The western world, anchored by the U.S., in collaboration with NATO, and using the United Nations as its mouthpiece, selectively enforces its moral authority. It throws words like "genocide," "dictator," "rule of law," "victim" and "oppressor"around with no clear definition or set of standards. We use the names of the victims of past oppression to justify action (or inaction) depending on our whim. We will say that we should not do business with Iran, and do it in the name of the same economic sanctions used against apartheid South Africa.

Think back to the years leading to World War II...especially because in the last few weeks, President Bush and Senator McCain have decided to liken diplomacy with Iran to appeasing Hitler. But the truth of the matter is that Ahmadinejad is not Hitler. He's a (questionably) democratically elected head of state who, is yet to take any action, despite his hate speech. Yet, we must remember that in the run up to World War II, the U.S. did not appease Hitler, we ignored. More importantly, though, we actively ignored the plight of the Jews. Of course now, with the guilt of the Jews we wouldn't allow into the US on our minds, we blindly protect and advocate for Israel...ignoring the worsening crisis facing the Palestinian population.

I wish we would just admit that we will only defend our interests. That certain people and countries and resources are worth protecting and others aren't. That we will be shy in the face of some innocence. That the yelling and screaming that some of us are doing is in vain. That all the yelling and screaming in the world will not make the US act against China in asking China to step up against its human rights abuses in Tibet and being committed by their business partner Sudan. That all the yelling and screaming won't change the policy that identifies Iran and Cuba as a threat, but ignores real ones. That the women oppressed in Afghanistan didn't deserve intervening force until al-Qaeada flew planes into our buildings...at that point we grew concerned for the figures in the dark burqas.

Face it...we will always be shy in the face of the evidence.

So...

2008-05-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

So I finally got a new job. And since this job is a little more public, I can't say where it is. But if you actually really truly know me...you know.

I'm quite excited. I start in a week. On balance, it's been nice here where I am for the last 2 years. Was it exactly what I wanted? No. But what job is. Until recently, I could tolerate it. And had some of the issues of the last few weeks not come up, I probably wouldn't be as thrilled as I am to be leaving. I'd be happy, but with out the immense feeling of relief to be peacing out.

In the meantime, I have one last tradeshow to execute here. Good times. It's a big one and the WHOLE office is going. Fun!

Where I've been...

2008-05-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

I know - it's been a while. It's been so long that I've had phone calls and emails checking to make sure that I didn't check out, get kidnapped, or change jobs.

Nope - none of the above. I've just been busy. And distracted. And didn't have anything new to say. But since I need to keep my 3 readers happy, here's an update:

1) I'm almost, not quite, just about, very nearly over the enigma. And the old man. I'm happy to report that I've reduced thinking of them down to once every other week or so. It's pretty much been out of sight and most of the time out of mind.

1a) I've replaced the enigma and the old man with the figment...of my imagination. I met him on Craigslist (yes, I know) and after a couple really long emails, we started talking on the phone and texting. Now, it's been darn near 2 months. We haven't met but talk nearly every day. Dr. B. says it's ok, as long as I don't let this stand of the way of forming an actual, real, live relationship. In the meantime, all is well. He's nice and smart and funny. I really like talking to him. But only exists over the phone.

2) Somethings that have been moving frustratingly slow may be picking up the pace a little bit. I'm hoping that I'll be able to report back with out having to speak in code soon.

3) I joined a church. I like it. The people are nice. I feel good about it.

4) I've been baking. A lot. A lot a lot. Like the same amount that I knit from September to December. I've perfected cupcakes and cookies. Fun times.

That's about it. For now.

Over and Over

2008-03-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

The universe may not play fair, but it's got one hell of a sense of humor
--Sex and the City

So last week it was the Enigma.

This week it was the old man.

I'm past exerting any effort trying to make sense of all of this. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel. How do you get over the one you were using to get over the one who used you?

Yeah, I know. I said months ago that the thing with the old man was a bad idea and self-destructive.

I know.

I know.

I know I knew.

Between me knowing and the almost a year I've had to sort out my feelings toward he Enigma, I had enough knowledge of the situation for this to not to be a surprise.

So why am I surprised?

And hurt? Why am I crying over the one that was supposed to be fun? Why have I spent hours moping and listening to every possible heart broken-man hating song out there?

All of this makes me annoyed by my evident stupidity. Yes, stupidity. Okay...I'll be nice to myself and say that I am annoyed by my willingness to disregard consequences.

Which really is stupid.

And in the hours of crying and moping and listening to broken-hearted-man-hating music, I have become increasingly frustrated. I want to turn the page or change the song or whatever metaphor - and it's NOT happening. It's like - a new page but the SAME chapter or yet another remix of the SAME song. Over and Over and OVER again...the same things. Bad decisions. Bad men. Bad decisions about bad men.

And the debilitating thing - the thing that makes the frustration so painful is that I'm powerless to so much of this. Yeah - the current situation...all my fault. I totally accept responsibility and realize the impact of my bad decisions and disregard for the known consequences. But the fact that I'm STILL being passed over by dozens of guys on Match and eHarmony and that the only guys I meet in real life are losers or weirdos...or both, makes me freeze from weakness.

I hate admitting that there's no magic formula for fixing this. I just want to hear that if I...I don't know...

I really don't know. I have the hair. I have the ass. I'm not bad looking (am I?). But none of that seems to mean anything. So it's just over and over, looking down this dark tunnel of...well...nothing.

And I thought I was the point of no hope. I thought I had given up and given in to the lack of control. But I think there's still a ways to go. I'm still searching in the dark thinking that there's going to be some sort of light on the other side of this dark tunnel of nothing.

I still believe that there's something I can do

And I'm gonna keep trying to do it. Cause as Lenny Kravitz said...it ain't over till it's over.

So Over

2008-03-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

So on Saturday, I found out that the Enigma has a "kinda maybe girlfriend" whome he wanted to invite to my birthday party.

I recommended that he and she find something else to do.

A nice jump from the 980 overpass maybe?

Actually no -

well, yes.

It would be a cliche for me to say that I want him to feel like I do. But I really just want him gone, then I could mourn and move on. But instead I've been trappeed in this daily wondering of when he was going to realize how great I am. Now, I wonder if am I not great at all?

So I've been throwing myself into the whole dating thing. Nothing. Dr B swears this is all worth it. That going through the rejection is balanced by how great finding your mate is. I'm personally so over the process. I'm going to be sad and lonely because I'm apparently innately repulsive to men of all ilk but I'd rather start accepting that fact than to continue to try to meet someone and be rejected by every other loser on every dating site imaginable.

And the shitty thing is that this time last year, I was in my happy little bubble, having just met a great guy, and thinkign that I was finally getting what the rest of the world seems to have. Who was I kidding? The happy world and future I had painted in my head was as fake as whatever it was he seemed to feel for me. And I don't know what's worse - the fact that that fantasy is officially gone or that he is.

So much for my happy ending?

2008-02-19T12:19:00.000-08:00

My friend and loyal reader Patricia and I have had this one conversation over and over again.

The gist of it is: The jobs you have in your 20s are kinda disappointing. And the men are worse.

That's not to say that either are necessarily bad. Though there are plenty of bad guys out there, and I know my fair share. But neither are what we wanted and expected during the dreamy days of undergrad.

Had you asked Patty or I where we expected to be now - 3 years after graduation - in May 2005, we both would have had these grandiose plans for our careers and love lives and lives in general. If you asked me now to put any sort of prediction on the next 3 years, my view is much tamer. I won't be running anything. I'll probably still be single. Bills will come every month. I'll pay them and try to extract some fabulosity from what's left.

Bleak, right?

So it's interesting that in a recent issue of The Atlantic Monthly, the topic of "settling" is brought up and recommended. The author says:

My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)

Obviously, I wasn’t always an advocate of settling. In fact, it took not settling to make me realize that settling is the better option, and even though settling is a rampant phenomenon, talking about it in a positive light makes people profoundly uncomfortable. Whenever I make the case for settling, people look at me with creased brows of disapproval or frowns of disappointment, the way a child might look at an older sibling who just informed her that Jerry’s Kids aren’t going to walk, even if you send them money. It’s not only politically incorrect to get behind settling, it’s downright un-American. Our culture tells us to keep our eyes on the prize (while our mothers, who know better, tell us not to be so picky), and the theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is—look at the divorce rate) permeates our collective mentality.

Even situation comedies, starting in the 1970s with The Mary Tyler Moore Show and going all the way to Friends, feature endearing single women in the dating trenches, and there’s supposed to be something romantic and even heroic about their search for true love. Of course, the crucial difference is that, whereas the earlier series begins after Mary has been jilted by her fiancé, the more modern-day Friends opens as Rachel Green leaves her nice-guy orthodontist fiancé at the altar simply because she isn’t feeling it. But either way, in episode after episode, as both women continue to be unlucky in love, settling starts to look pretty darn appealing. Mary is supposed to be contentedly independent and fulfilled by her newsroom family, but in fact her life seems lonely. Are we to assume that at the end of the series, Mary, by then in her late 30s, found her soul mate after the lights in the newsroom went out and her work family was disbanded? If her experience was anything like mine or that of my single friends, it’s unlikely.

And while Rachel and her supposed soul mate, Ross, finally get together (for the umpteenth time) in the finale of Friends, do we feel confident that she’ll be happier with Ross than she would have been had she settled down with Barry, the orthodontist, 10 years earlier? She and Ross have passion but have never had long-term stability, and the fireworks she experiences with him but not with Barry might actually turn out to be a liability, given how many times their relationship has already gone up in flames. It’s equally questionable whether Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw, who cheated on her kindhearted and generous boyfriend, Aidan, only to end up with the more exciting but self-absorbed Mr. Big, will be better off in the framework of marriage and family. (Some time after the breakup, when Carrie ran into Aidan on the street, he was carrying his infant in a Baby Björn. Can anyone imagine Mr. Big walking around with a Björn?)

When we’re holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion. Madame Bovary might not see it that way, but if she’d remained single, I’ll bet she would have been even more depressed than she was while living with her tedious but caring husband.

I don't know what's more depressing to read - that passage or any of the multitudes of statistics on how I'm going to be a single, lonely, baren, old black woman simply because I'm educated and employed.

All this came up today cause I recently went on a bland date. Bland like butter pecan, not like vanilla. There's the potential for more excitement, but generally safe and predictable. Now, the me before reading this bleak article would have probably ended it after the first phone call. The me after reading this article thinks bland could be good.

But the idea of giving up the idea of happily ever after just feels wrong. Patty and I weren't raised that way. We were raised to believe that having it all was possible. That's what the world told us. So now, it is coming as quite a shock that the world doesn't want to deliver on that promise.

Somehow, I think it's going to take more than an article to shake our deep-seated beliefs in happily ever after. I anticipate that she and I will have that conversation many many many many more times.

Every other day...

2008-02-13T11:31:00.000-08:00

In 2008, so far, there has been a person killed every other day in Oakland, California.

21 people total.

8 in the last week.

This is in a city with an underfunded police force, an underfunded school system, and a community that is overstretched to respond and make the best of a worsening situation.

I wish I could just write an impassioned blog entry and make it all better, but that won't change the way life is lived in Oakland or other cities throughout the US and around the world. Baltimore, MD is at 16 murders this year. 7 as of mid-January in San Francisco. 9 in Boston.

That's more than 50 dead just in 4 cities. If we extrapolate a murder rate of 10-13 in each of America's 25 largest cities, that's 250-325 people killed in 44 days. 7 people are dying daily in the US using that estimate. Don't get me started on what scaling those numbers among the 100 largest cities would mean.

Because it would mean, quite honestly, that we're in the middle of a genocide in the US. If you're poor and probably not white and you live in a large city, your life is expendable with not but some outraged people screaming at the top of their lungs to save you. It means that while there's many people who want to help, your plight is an excuse of the (often over-)educated (mostly white) elite to judge you with disdain and horror, choosing to flee some cities all together and moving to the "good" parts of others. It's not until the senseless violence intrudes into their lives (see the shooting of Chris Rodriguez by a stray bullet in Oakland for an example), that the reality of life for people around them truly sets in.

But it's time to starting calling it what it really is...and facing the reality that it will probably get worse before it has any hope of getting better. And it's time for all of us to stop sitting idly by and letting it happen. Mentor, join a neighborhood alliance, patronize stores who pioneer into less popular neighborhoods, and - most importantly - hold local officials accountable for not making timely changes to the system to stop the murders.

Every other day, someone has died in Oakland. Isn't today the day to start caring?

Why I voted for Barack Obama

2008-02-11T11:09:00.000-08:00

In the California primary election last week, I voted against new term limits and extended gambling and in support of schools, hospitals and community colleges. Most importantly, I voted for Senator Barack Obama to be the Democratic nominee and (hopefully) our next president.

I am a late comer to the Obama camp. Early in this election season (last summer), I remained uncommitted and eventually narrowed my choices to either Edwards or Obama. Both - I felt - could adequately unite our nation and fix so many of the problems facing us. As the months have pressed on and as Edwards left the race, I find myself happily supporting Barack Obama.

So why?

Rationally - I can check off that Barack Obama has a lot of the same positions as I. I'm pro-rights. The woman's right to choose. The gun owner's right to carry (after getting a license and proving that they know how to use it safely). Pro-civil rights for everyone (that includes gay rights). Pro-civil liberties (meaning, I don't want my government tracking me unnecessarily). And (most importantly) pro-constitutional rights - freedom of speech and religion and assembly...without fear of retribution.

A look at www.procon.org shows that Barack Obama supports many of those same things. Pro-Choice (choice...not pro-abortion...choice). Opposed to amending the constitution to define marriage. He has asked the current administration to take responsibility for its infractions on American's civil liberties. He has taught constitutional law.

But at the end of the day it's really an issue of trust. Our next president (and our current one) must be held to a higher level of accountability to American voters. For too long (and I'm not just talking about George W), we have allowed our elected officials to skate along...passing legislation that erodes American values and is in direct conflict with the needs of most of us.

We saw this with George HW Bush's ruining of the economy and inaction on the environment.

We saw this with Clinton's siding with the GOP on the budget, crime, welfare, FDMA, don't ask don't tell and many many many other issues.

We've seen it with very nearly everything that George W has done.

In the months since the Democrats took control of Congress, things have not gotten better. We've seen judges move through committee and the full Senate with nary a question of their biased, conservative (and sometimes down right bigoted) background. We've seen laws sit in filibuster or be changed past the point of recognition to secure passage.

Through all of this, we as Americans have become complacent. I would venture to say that we are fearful to demand more of our elected officials. But for me, Barack Obama represents that "more." I see in him the aptitude to provide the leadership needed so that we are no longer governed by compromises that serve only a few, but by real actions. I see in him the power to transform and the ability to challenge.

Hilary Clinton has "experience." She has spent 7 years in the Senate, carefully calculating her moves so as to remain "electable." She has been increasingly centrist. Like her husband, she has buddied up to the GOP, going along to get along. The experience we, as Americans, have with this type of presidency is a promise of 4-8 years of either stalemate or bad compromises. We don't need that kind of experience again. We need new eyes and a new vision and a commitment to positive change.

I've said a lot - so let me summarize. Barack Obama stands for much of what I believe. His experience shows that he is in support of most of my key issues - abortion, gay rights, civil liberties. His potential tells me that he will be a president who will lead through decisive action, inspiration, and accountability. We can ill afford another day with the government we have had for the past 19 years...a government that is neither serving our needs nor supporting our future. We need change. We need action. We need Barack Obama.

In all honesty...

2008-01-30T12:05:00.000-08:00

I'm having one of those days where the lonelyness of my life is amplified to the point where I just want to fall apart.

I just want to be taken care of. Nearly 2 weeks of the stomach flu, work, laundry and then getting a flat today is just pushing me over the edge where I want to whine and curl up into a ball and just have someone fix it and make me dinner and fold my laundry and tell me it's gonna be alright. What I don't want is well meaning friends giving me lectures on how it's going to be ok and that this will make me stronger and that this builds character. I have character. I'm plenty strong. But everyone has a breaking point. Everyone has a point where they're sick of going it alone. It's just little things too. I'm swamped at work, and there may be a 3 hour wait at costco to fix my tire - I say it...no one offers to follow me so that I can do m job. There's no one I can call to help. I just have to deal with it - alone.

OK - pity party over. There's shit to be done

Hurry up and wait...

2008-01-22T21:35:00.000-08:00

I feel like that's my life right now. There's so much going on - some I can share, some I can't. In general, I feel an interesting mix of in control and out. And the things that are out of control are more in regards to things that I want to happen but aren't yet.

So what's in control? I can say that I have developed a fair degree of assertiveness. Not completely. But I've been taking care of myself. And deciding that I want to get as much as I give. This is not meant in specific to anything in particular. But a couple situation and the way I deal with things in general. I have a feeling that some other feelings may be hurt about this - and that it may seem that I'm pulling away. But Dr. B told me months ago that part of treatment is building constructive relationships - and that some will work, some won't.

What's out of control - aha...the usual. The enigma is moving to China. Starting a business. And like a brilliant fool, I've volunteered to help with the marketing. It's a great experience, but probably not the greatest idea on my part. I can't help but to hate him at times. Sleeping with him was the first time that I didn't feel in control of my sexuality. I remember writing in my old, completely personal/private blog that that was the one time that I didn't feel like the "... kickass, third wave, feminist who is control of her sexual destiny." And that instead, I felt "...Weirdly vulnerable. Curious about where this goes from here. Scared." Not sure if it's all positive that I was scared...I don't know if it's now my general cynical, skeptical nature to question it. Months later now, I replay that night in my head and all I can think is that I got played. Either I was fooling myself then or I was fooling myself the other times when I thought I was kickass and in control, but I think majority rules. I was played. I can't blame him for it - I allowed it. But I can't help but hate him at times.

In other news - I rejoined match.com. I've met 1 guy - he's nice. We went salsa dancing last weekend. We'll see how it goes from there. It's a bit disappointing that he's the only one. It's so frustrating...I'm great. I know that, you know that, EVERYONE knows that - right? So why the hell, is there no one else finding me - online or off - and thinking that I'm great? I didn't expect to necessarily find Mr. Right online - or even Mr. Right-Now - but I did hope to go on dates, to meet people, to at least see some progress. And I still swear that if I hear: "when you stop looking..." What??? When I stop looking I'll find myself the statistical 39 year old, never married, educated, successful black woman. I am by nature a problem solver - but what do you do when you can't plug something into a spreadsheet or make up action items? I am doing everything right.

Which, quite honestly, is how I feel about so much of my life. Now and for the last few years - personally, professionally, emotionally. I am doing everything right and still so much is wrong. It's like can I get a freaking bone? Just something. For a while. That won't crash and burn.

Other stuff...can't really share. I do currently have the stomach flu - I've had it for a week. No I am not pregnant. A coworker asked me that today - yes, she is still alive - but no, I am not pregnant. That's quite the terrifying thought. But quite timely given that today is the 35th anniversary of Roe v Wade. Yay! I have to say that I am quite grateful to live in a country and a time that not only allows choice, but also allows such a range of choice. I hope not to ever have to have an abortion - and since I have access to birth control, I should never have to.

And finally, in conclusion, I recently heard from.... let's call him the one who got away version 1...I realized - I used to think about politics and the world. I may start writing about that on occasion and think about something...someone... other than myself.

I really think things should make sense...

2008-01-12T10:01:00.000-08:00

I realize I have a tendency to compartmentalize - people, places, things, situations. Everything, everyone has a purpose and role in my life...and in my eyes, the world.

So last night when the old man asked me if I "liked" him, I was thrown. I don't need to "like" him. It serves no purpose for me to like him. It would be naive and inevitably disastrous if I "liked" him. it's just not in the realm of possibility. I think he thinks I'm sweet and naive enough to not know what's going on.

Of course, in that moment, I said yes. I wasn't in a position to say the truth...I appreciate him. The first time we slept together, I did it because the enigma had returned from Asia and seeing him for the first time in nearly 6 months was too much for me handle - and I hadn't processed through it all. On that saturday night, I needed someone to want me. I needed to feel desired. And the fact that he was able to get me to stop thinking and to focus on the physical was bonus (there's definitely something to be said about older guys). And since then, he's proven himself to be a reliable, generally weekly source of those same feelings. It's been a while since I've been called a "hot babe" or been told that my pleasure is a priority. I appreciate that. And given that like is fickle, appreciation may be better.

I want a relationship and companionship and all of that, and I'd be lying if I pretended like it was never a consideration...come on - good on paper and in be doesn't happen everyday...but I'm smarter about things now. I'm looking for the real thing, but after a week of shifting through match losers - I could actively hate the old man, and still be happy.

Anyway - back to the point. Why do I need to like him? Isn't he fine with his purpose? Why can't even something this simple make sense?

Holiday Summary

2008-01-03T21:28:00.000-08:00

ummmmm - I go in reverse.

New Year's in Phoenix -
was great. Nadia and Ben are insanely nice. IU lost the game, but we still had a blast. I had a nice time at their friend's party. Talked to people, drank, that's about it.

Christmas in Chicago-
I don't know. Christmas day was good. It was calm. We chilled. I liked that. I needed that. Mom doesn't get that I feel like I need to be "on" with the family. That I need to be smart and without fault and doesn't date the wrong guys, in fact doesn't date at all until I find someone (similarly perfect) to marry. I don't know what to talk about. She's always bringing up that no one else listens to NPR and I don't expect them to. But since I do and I dont have a TV - I feel like there's nothing to talk about. I can't talk about music with the kids - I'm usually months behind. The ones who are close to my age are interested in different stuff. So I enjoyed this new holiday. She said she did but wouldn't want to do it again. I don't know

The day after Christmas, though - I apparently ruined it. We were getting dressed to go to dinner with her friend Stephanie. Marc (the boyfriend) invited himself and Stephanie's boyfriend to dinner. I said "great, Im going to be 5th wheel to 2 couples". It wasn't something that I was relishing. And I wasn't ready to spend time with the boyfriend yet. She had just been with him. This was MY time. I also commented that it felt like he called a lot on Christmas. And it just unraveled.

It's funny that she gets frustrated that I see her love/affection as a finite amount and I have some or I have none, but she does the same with the way I see things. So I can't enjoy Christmas and feel hurt that he's calling all the time. She can't be a good mother and me feel hurt or upset about things in the past.

Anyway - we spent hours talking that night and the next morning. I'm still reeling from it. I just felt like I ruin everything. I ruined her perfect christmas (which I knew I'd do - I wrote it here) and I just ruin stuff. Do I ruin my own stuff?

And I met the kids. They're kids. Which makes it easier or harder. They're kids. They like her. It would almost be better if they didn't like her or were brats. Then I would know that they wouldn't replace me. But if I'm not there and they live with her, there's no way that I wouldn't be replaced - they would be more important. I don't know how to not think this. I have a hard enough time with her having a boyfriend - much less 3 people. I don't know how to think of love as anything other than a pie. And I want the biggest piece. And if theyre more people there's less pie for me.

Other than that - it's the new year. I made the usual resolution - get healthy. A new one - meet a guy. Didn't make one I should have - get better. The friends are on my case about the old man and the other guy - to get rid of them to find someone better. I want to but...it's hard to convince myself that I deserve better than either of them. Which is just kinda me. I'm fine with this dregs. Maybe. If I was I probably would just be very on the DL about it all. Which is what kevin says to do. So I probably mention it so that I get reminded that it's wrong. I'll get it straightened out...eventually. In the meantime, I joined match. Still trying to see if its a waste o fmoney.

So that's this year, so far. Of course - there will be updates.

Just When...

2007-12-18T11:01:00.000-08:00

Just when I get you out of my head and my heart and my life.
Just when I think that it's possible that there could be
someone
else

(possible - you know - likely)

That eventually
I could
find
someone else.

Just when that idea enters my realm of possibility
because you have finally vacated that property in my head and my heart and my

everything,

You stop for a visit.
You sit down on my couch.
And I am suddenly reminded that

Just when
I thought all your belongings were gone
you are still,
in fact,
at home here
with me

in my head and heart and everything

And
Just when I think that I have no choice
but
to let you stay

I remember
that
Just when I let you in
you left

and
Just when I thought it was safe
to be open
to be alive
I start to question
if
I want to be open and alive
without you

Can I be
open and alive without you?

And
Just when I
realize
that I can

You come for a visit.

But don't get comfortable
because
just when
you think that you're here to stay.
It's likely

(likely - you know - possible)

that I will
kick you out

A funny thing happened...

2007-12-16T21:06:00.000-08:00

...This weekend.

Friday, I was drained when I got home. I went to see Dr. B. for the first time since June. We played catch up with mom stuff and a little on the why-doesn't-any-one-want-to-date-my stuff. Which are both a little an issue of me being more confident that I am enough. Fabulous enough. Or just enough enough to feel secure. That I'm enough for mom to love and be fine with the space in her life that she offers me - while creating space for and with other people.

It was a lot. It's still a lot. It brings up a lot. Because it challenges everything I "know". Every inch of my personal knowledge tells me that there is a way to constantly be "better' or "more". Every experience - at least to me - points to possibility to be more. So that I'd be loved more and whatever.

So after all that Friday, I climbed in bed around 5 and ate some nachos (made with Tina's lardy chips - yum). I sent as close to a "please save me from spending the rest of the night crying" text as possible - it was something like, Wassup? I don't know. The first person to reply was Ralph. Yes, he is a little strange. But I think he's more lonely and eccentric (and maybe a little oddly socialized), but he's pleasant enough to be around. He can form complete sentences. We can share experiences of being highly educated suburbanesque black folks. I felt better once I was out and dressed. Sushi of course helped as did the wine.

Saturday was busy busy busy. And bizarre. I was drving down 580 to go to Milpitas to sort gifts for the Family Giving Tree program. As I was trying to maneuver through traffic, I looked over to see a good looking man driving a Jetta (my favorite car). We continued to exchange looks while passing each other for the next few miles. Something came over me as I was driving and I realized that I had crayons in my car. So I used the crayon to as neatly as possible write my number and held it to the window. He couldn't read it, so we eventually pulled off at an exit, exchanged numbers and names and have been texting since.

Big steps for me. Fun steps. Funny steps. But good.

truly happy for you?

2007-12-13T18:04:00.000-08:00

Two of my friends bought houses this week. I'm not sure how I feel about it...a little jealous, a little more happy, a little relieved that if someone else is following the prescribed course I can do my own thing.

I'm jealous that they have a 15% downpayment on a house and parents to makeup the difference to 20%. I keep reminding myself that when you start out even, or ahead as is largely the case here, that kind of stuff is possible. I don't want to sound like these friends don't "work" but bought my first car. I'm going to be paying for my degree forever. I don't need to think about accepting any gift from family cause anything is better than nothing.

I'm happy for them. Mostly cause their happy. And you should be happy when you're friends are happy. But I'm relieved its not me. I'm not ready for all that. I'd love to have a larger space. And hopefully soon (ok, realistically in about 10 years unless I marry REALLY well), I'll be able to afford a little condo. But the idea of being married and owning a house and having that kind of an albatross sounds kinda sucky to me. I know - I'm the very person saying I want to get married. Maybe I don't know what I want.

A Realization...continued

2007-12-13T10:53:00.000-08:00

Helpful Tip: When leaving, don't talk to me. Don't touch me. Don't make noise. Don't hum to yourself. Get dressed. Get your shit. AND LEAVE.

If you don't, the nearly 1/2 your age woman who is already having doubts about just sleeping with you may really start to question it. She may really have issues with the whole guy leaving thing. She may realize that she's just having "Fun" with someone who isn't nearly fabulous enough for her.

Realization...

2007-12-12T23:02:00.000-08:00

Completely unrelated to most of what I've written recently - but I'd rather do the leaving than be left. And I'm not sure about how I feel about certain people not acknowledging my fabulosity.

That is all

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 4

2007-12-11T10:03:00.000-08:00

My holidays so far - by the numbers:

Cookies Made: 25 dozen+ (6 Dozen Pecan Bars, 12 Dozen Macaroons, About 100 (or more) bourbon balls, 1 batch of brownies with peppermint frozting)
Drinks had: Several glasses of wine, 5 vodka tonics, a little bourbon straight
Trips to the grocery store: 8 (plus a couple target runs)
Kitchen equipment purchased: 4 (1 cookie sheet, 1 9x13 pan, 1 9x9 pan, 1 mixer)
Clothing purchased: 1 new dress + accessories, 1 pair of pants, 2 pairs of pajamas with matching slippers
Injuries: 1 pinky closed in car door
Miles driven: about 500
Guys picked up in bars: 1
Weight gained: 5 real lbs (about 15 imaginary ones due to bloat)
Visits to the friend's house for distraction: 2
Parties hosted: 1
Parties attended: 3
Parties planned to host: 2
Breakdown days: 1

There's no rest for the not-yet-weary but slowly wearing down. Having a cookie party tonight. Then I have knitting group tomorrow. Then Crazy Blind Date on thursday. Saturday I'm sorting presents with the frat brothers. Sunday - I'm really hiking...and maybe having the posse over for dinner. I have gotten into the entertaining thing. I LOVE it.

I am, however, exhausted. And eating poorly. And using all of this as a way to not feel or think or do.

But I'm fabulous. So it's okay, right? I'm having fun. There's no balance to my life, but I'm having fun. Does it matter? It kinda scares me when I'm not thinking about things. When I'm not planning out how to deal with stuff. The little voice in my head tells me I should be thinking harder, be more worried, more stressed. It tells me that my breakdown last week could happen again. That it could be worse. That it will be worse. Logically - the voice is probably right. But I don't have the energy to be fabulous and feel fabulous at the same time. I'd get even less sleep if I was to try to cook and clean and do all that other stuff. So I'm worried about that. I'm trying not to worry and to just go with it. But I know it's no good. I know what I need to be doing. I just need to find the time, energy, and inclination to do it. And still be fabulous

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 3

2007-12-06T11:09:00.000-08:00

I've had a great couple of days.

My party was a great success. Pretty much everyone who said they were coming cameand more. There was enough food. I got the place clean. The guys managed to get a fire in the fire place outside. I drank ENTIRELY too much and didn't feel well for much of the day on Monday.

I have to say, my apartment looked fabulous. Here are some pictures:

Then Monday, I had the celebration dinner for the Girls, Inc fundraiser I worked on. Tuesday, I went on a date that was set up by crazyblinddate.com. It was ok - nothing special and no one I'd be dying to see again. Then I saw guy from a couple weeks ago. It's been established that he's a confirmed old (but how old? no one knows) bachelor. I think I'm fine with the direction of things. I think. Or at least most of the time I'm mostly fine with it. It was nice, again.

Last night was the Yelp Holiday party. It was fine, long lines for food and drink, but that was expected, so I was chill. It was nice meeting some people I knew only from reviews and their online personas. It was slightly disappointing, because I'd pictured some people in my head and my imagination was better than the reality. I looked great - will post pictures later.

So today, I crashed. Of course having a great couple of days meant that I was generally riding too high to remember to take my medicine. And today my mind is going like a carousel on crack. each of the horses is bouncing up and down and my mind is spinning - and I just wanna get off! If I could just slow it down. And focus on one thought at a time. But instead it's just zing zing zing. So today, I'm not fine with the direction of things. I just want someone who fucking wants ME. Doesn't want to just fuck me. Wants ME. Loves me. Of course I have overlydemanding, weird ideas about what love is. I probably couldn't handle a real relationship now if I could have one. I'm still in my deluded little world of self-sabotage.

And mom wants my thoughts on Chrristmas and she's trying so hard and I'm still crazy. I still don't know what I want from Christmas and she wants to know and wants me to meet the boyfriends kids. Oh my god - What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Do I actually have a choice?

I've been feeling like - for the last few days - there are times when I'm watching myself from outside myself. And I think: I can do this. I can be normal. I can socialize. I can be likable. I can trust people. I can like myself. I can trust myself. I can be happy. Why can't I belike that all the time. Why do I have to have days like today where I think I can't make decisions. Where I think that the decisions I make are bad. Where I think I'll be alone forever...or at least that I deserve to be alone forever because I'd ruin it otherwise.

But I can't let myself just stop and consider this. I'm seeing Dr. B next friday. Tonight I have tutoring and another crazyblinddate. Tomorrow is the Oakland Art Murmur and I'm helping with the Oaklandunwrapped.org booth. Saturday I'm mattress shopping and going to Lise's birthday party. Sunday is the yelp cookie exchange. I think I get a break next monday aund tuesday before the madness starts up again. I am going to sleep in on saturday, and try to get a hike in on sunday.

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 2

2007-12-01T13:12:00.000-08:00

So I'm taking a little break from cleaning, decorating, and cooking to say I'm having fun with this party planning, being domestic thing. I've got the tree just about decorated. The apartment is just about clean. And all I need is to start making the food.

And I've founda great dress to wear to the Yelp Holiday party. It's very "me" - fun, kinda sexy, but not predictable.

So - that's the updated...over and out

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 1

2007-11-28T12:31:00.001-08:00

So the last few posts haven't been too terribly brilliant or fabulous. But the reality is that you can't be brilliant and fabulous all the time...and if you've figured out a way to be brilliant and fabulous all the time, please share.

Anyway - I'm now knee deep in planning my first Christmas party. Right now, 10-15 of my friends will be descending on my apartment on Sunday afternoon. How, you wonder, can I have 10-15 people in my shoebox? Well, luckily my house has 2 decks with combined square footage that's larger than my little place and since I live in California, the weather is nice enough to do a Sunday afternoon shindig outdoors.

Nevertheless, I've been preparing my little home for the event. I've put up a Christmas tree (2 actually, but one is a table top) and even purchased and decorated a wreath for my front door. There's something funny that happens to you when you realize that you've a) bought a wreath, b) you've bought an un-pre-decorated wreath, and c) you're disappointed that Michael's doesn't have white feathers for your wreath (you do, however, draw the line at scouring other craft stores for the feathers). I've also tasked myself to getting my apartment clean in time. AH! that's the real test - or rather, cleaning it this early in the week and committing to keeping it clean till Sunday. I've also planned a small menu of hors d'oeuvres and am still perplexed as to what drinks to serve.

Anyway, updates and pictures from the event will be posted.

Round 2

2007-11-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

I would guess that 3 out of every 5 visits I have with my mom end up with us having the same argument. I don't even know if it's an argument. Logically - no. There's no way to win it or lose it, but we aren't communicating. At all.

I don't know how the argument starts. And then we're in it. Usually the phrases coming from me are about her marrying my ex-stepdad...and how he (to put it nicely) wasn't the nicest person ever, but she stayed because he made sure we could keep our life in the 'burbs. From her - it goes in the direction of "Fine, I'm a horrible mother and you hate me". Words I never actually say. Then she says, "I'm sick of you dumping on me and I don't know how to make you happy. Would you have been happy if we were poor?"

Usually this argument just dies out. But lately it's gotten worse and worse and worse.

I don't know how to explain it. I don't know anything...or I don't know much at least.

This is what I know...
I don't hate my mom. Or at least I'm pretty sure (like 99%) that I don't. Do I get annoyed? yes. Do I resent certain decisions that she's made that affected my life? yes. But I don't "hate" her.

I feel conflicted about my stepdad and our life with him. It would be so much easier if he was always an asshole. But he wasn't. There were times when he was genuinely nice. And fun. God, most of the kids at school, especially in elementary school LOVED him. He was funny, and entertaining. But he was also cruel and demanding and demeaning. Yes, he would (sometimes) defend my messy room. But other times, be blindingly angry about it. His standards were high and constantly shifting. It was always hard to know exactly what was expected of me...If not perfection than something close? I needed to be smarter, more talented at everything, more athletic. Towards the end of high school, especially junior year, he became more and more erratic - at least in my memory. And harder and harder to please.

I know at least that I had a great childhood from the perspective of someone trying to build an "ideal" child. Great school,, great neighborhood, great extracurricular activities, smiling supportive parents. But the other side was really hard. I can't play "what-if". I probably would still suffer from depression no matter where or with whom I was raised. But it's too much in my head to say: what if I'd had parents who noticed when I started sliding, who would have pushed harder for me to recognize my issues. What if I didn't have someone whose behavior was unpredictable as a stepdad - whose love wasn't predicated on some unattainable bar and traded for insults and yells? Who knows - I can't do that. I'm here. I'm here with the background that I had.

Stability scares me but I want it. The sound of garage doors still makes my heart race. I don't hear them too often any more. But if I picture it...yeah. I want to look around and start scrambling to make sure nothing is wrong....like I did for most of my adolescence. When he'd come home, you'd never know what personality you were going to get. There would be days and weeks at a time when things would go well and then BLAM! something, someone would set him off and there was no way of predicting it. The day to day yoyo is still what I expect. And I suspect that I create my own bad days just because having too many good ones in a row is too uncomfortable.

But more than that - the last few years have...I can;t think of a non idiotic sounding metaphor. When you go away to college, you go away knowing that somethings and some people will change. But for me, I feel like EVERYTHING is always changing. There's this shifting definition of "home" that has now basically disappeared. I went home for thanksgiving freshman year...and things were normal. By Christmas, my parents were deciding to separate. By spring break, my stepdad wasn't living in our house. By summer break we didn't have that house. By the next thanksgiving we had yet another new house. Then was the first Christmas without my stepdad...who BTW had stolen a lot of our Christmas decorations. But things were kinda consistent for a while. There was a groove. Then there was another move - I don't even remember when that one happened. That was the first one where my room wasn't really my room any more. It was now the guest room where some of my things were. Now Mom lives in Chicago. And that's a really good thing for her. REALLY good. But I don't have a room there. I sleep on the couch. Or if someone else is visiting, I sleep with mom in her room. I have no clothes there. I brought this up last night when we were talking and she acted like I was out of my mind for wanting a drawer a corner whatever. But it's not really just that. All of our family is still in Evansville. My 1 friend, Sarah, is in Evansville. I can't drive in Chicago cause mom has a fleet car that's not insured for me to drive. She offers me hangers to hang my clothes when I'm there. But mostly I live out of my suitcase. That has to remain hidden (along with any of my other belongings. It's not home. It's where she lives. I get it. It's a small space and she's a neat freak. But it is not comforting to have to hear constantly... can you put this (referring to my purse, my totebag...whatever) somewhere. Or to have to climb in and out of the space behind a chair just to get a book.

I can't describe how this all makes me feel. There are things and places that you count on. Even when you move thousands of miles away - you...or at least I never thought that it would all disappear and I wouldnt get to say good bye. I know my mom still(?) grieves over the loss of our house. I don't think she knows that I do, too. And more than just the house, I hate knowing, now, that I have no place to run to. There's no home for me anywhere.

So now as my friends get married and buy houses. It kinda freaks me out. Aren't they afraid of what could happen? What if they need/want to move quickly? Don't they realize that 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce? I'm so jealous that they are so confident that things won't change - or if they do it will be for the better. Or at least something they can handle. I want that. I want that, but I can't stop looking for the emergency exit because I know something will go wrong. Or that I'll need the emergency exit when I create something to go wrong.

I'll do whatever, just don't leave me The question I hate the most from nosy people is: so you're close to your mom, where does your dad live? Well...my father. The man who contributed 1/2 of my genetic makeup...including my butt, my eye shape and my messy tendencies...lives in Evansville. Yes, I was 20 minutes away from him most of my life and really only saw him a handful of times from age 6 (7?) to 17. I have a "younger brother" who is 16? 17? who knows. And my stepfather. The man I called dad. The man who I always thought would give me away at my wedding. The man who fussed at me to wear more clothes to prom. And dropped me off at college. He left me, too. The irrational in me still wonders what I could have done to keep either or both of them from not wanting me. Especially my father. I'm a good person. I was a great kid. Everyone in TOWN said that. But he didn't want me. And I know that there was no way to please my stepdad 40-50% of the time, but I tried. And he left me, too. What makes it worse is that my father was always involved in his son's life. And from when I used to talk to him (years ago) the son wasn't as smart as I. Or as cute. Or told as often how great he was - cause damnit I pushed myself to be great at everything. And chose that kid - and never wanted me.

And now - there's nothing mom can say to convince me that with the right offer I won't be traded in for the newer, better, less screwed up version. She thinks that I'm crazy because I pick up on the stupidest littlest things...and make them mean a lot. But I just still wanna know that I matter. That I won't be replaced. That I'm remembered when an evite goes out about an event that I should be invited to. And I know that's my crazy...not her's. But I don't know what to do about it. The rejection/replacement that I feel about her marriage to my stepdad is something that I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to trust that I'm good enough. Or not even that. Just trust that she actually loves me. But I don't know. I don't know what that feels like. I am so afraid of losing her. I am so afraid that she will change her mind about me. realistically 25 years after the fact, it's a little hard to say: screw it, I change my mind, I don't want this daughter. But she could. How do I deal with this? Without being this whiny, needy brat. That she seems to be growing to hate - which will just give her reason to replace me.

In the absence of actual feelings and thoughts...This spring, I saw a therapist who does psychodynamic counseling, as opposed to cognitive behavioral therapy. I wussed out and didn't see her past the intake. I was happy at that point. The wellbutrin had kicked in. I was kicking ass at doing the thought control thing....and she wanted me to start...feeling. She said that I was afraid (? - uncomfortable? unable?) to feel. As she witnessed me falling apart just trying to reach in and explain what was going on in my head/heart, she said that it was obvious that I was so ashamed to feel that I always hid it. She recommended that I come see her once or twice a week...to learn how to feel. And I didn't want to do that at that time. Damnit, I was happy. I didn't need to feel. I'd been feeling for all these years - and I didn't want to feel anythign else. And honestly I don't feel anything else. I keep trying to force myself to think of specific words to describe how I feel. Cause I'm not sad - all the time at least. I'm happy. maybe, sometimes. But those are toddler, preschool emotions. Not real ones. In the last 24 hours or so, I've tried to actually identify how I feel. Some of what's above is a step forward. But today I found a website that says that true emotional literacy means stating how you feel in 3 word sentences

So to be specific...
I feel discouraged. I feel disconnected. I feel rejected. I feel unworthy and inadequate. I feel needy. I feel scared. I feel confused. I feel uncertain. I feel ignored. I feel vulnerable

Last night, I thought about the discussion that started the first time we had this argument this week - Christmas plans and what I really wanted to do for Thanksgiving. I went home for Thanksgiving because mom wanted it. Or at least that's what I thought. I liked the quiet thanksgiving. I liked hosting it at my house. There was something even about Thanksgiving with me and Christmas with her - our family is the 2 of us...holidays should be shared between the 2 homes right? But she'd invited my uncle up. And had accused me of wanting to "keep her from people". So I didn't say: I like our tradition. Why are we changing it? I had the opportunity to go to Oregon to visit a friend, but I went to her. Because I thought that was what she wanted. And it was. Or not? Or she wanted to go to my aunt's house. But she doesn't want me to feel guilted. but she wants me to want to go to my aunt's house because she wants to go. AHHHHH!!!!! And it's no wonder I don't know what thoughts are in my head. I'm the most frustrating friend ever because I can never make a decision. I hate picking out the restuarant. I hate being the first to order, because I don't want to pick something more expensive than anyone else (lest they judge me). I don't pick the movie. My most common answers to questions of preference are: "I don't know" and "It doesn't matter". Or to poll my friends. Even if it's a decision about me - my hair. I get sooooo many inputs and ruminate for days before making a decision. Hell - I can't even buy a toaster oven without becoming stressed. Now some of that is probably me just being silly. But I'd much rather outsource decision making to others to keep the peace or to just make things faster. I try to guess their intentions/wants/expectations. Sometimes the outcome is fine with me. Sometimes it isn't. And mom made it abundantly clear that my indecision is annoying (to say the least) to others.

So last night, I tried to think - in the absence of expectation, what do I want to do for Christmas? I still can't think of a focused answer to that. I can see images of old Christmases that were good. But I can't have that. And I keep wanting to inject logic into any way that we could possibly translate those old images into something current. I keep remembering a Christmas - or maybe I've created a composite of a couple different ones - It was maybe 4th 5th or 6th grade or maybe older, but no...it seems like it really was 6th grade. I think. That was the year I got my CD player for Christmas, and the order of events makes sense for it to be that year. We had Chinese food for dinner Christmas Eve. We read the Christmas story from the Bible. We opened our presents. In the morning, I had 1 or 2 from Santa. Did we have breakfast? I think that was the year I got an espresso maker (yes I was a weird 11 year old...just think, this was PREstarbucks) - I thnk I fooled around with that...who cares. I just remember it was mellow. We had dinner at Aunt Ann's? We exchanged presents. Uncle Bob gave me the Des'ree CD.

But what does that mean for now? Do we eat Chinese food at Aunt Sharon's house on Christmas eve? When do we drive down to evansville? Will it even be the same?

At this point, given the way things were left with mom, the question may be completely invalid...

Finally, Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I don't call people. I only occasionally return calls. I usually have the intention to - but I never know what to talk about. What to say. What do theey want to hear? More than that - for someone who is afraid of being rejected, I make it pretty easy for me to be forgotten/ignored. I was told earlier this year that I am distant. That person later said that it was funny...cause I always seemed so cool, but with a little (or a lot) of digging the truth and my true feelings were there. In the last few weeks/months, I've gotten really good at being social. And I still keep people at arm's length or further. I don't call home or old friends or family because what would I say? they say: how are you? I say: tired? lonely? confused about what the guy I hooked up with saturday really wants? Why sit on the phone and have a superficial conversation? I don't know what the point of this paragraph is. I should call people. I should stay in touch. And I'll try.

Anyway - I feel better. A little after typing this. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight - and rest. I'm posting this. And sending the link to my mom. I hope this helps(?). I don't know any more. I just know that more often than not - I actually put what I'm thinking/feeling in this blog. Or at least provide an accurate account of what's going on in my life. I know it's kinda one sided for me to write this looonnng diatribe. But she and I don't talk. Or we talk and don't listen to each other. We're so accustomed to what we think the other is going to say.

But no matter what it helped me to write this. I don't know what the next step is. I've contacted my therapist. Maybe there's a class, like my depression class, about relating to people? Maybe I actually need the psychodynamic counseling (though I'd rather not)? All I know is I'm tired. How do normal people go around feeling all the time? I now "get" why people use drugs. No, I'm not going to go find drugs. But if there's something that would just even me out then that would be nice.

The Holidays...

2007-11-19T22:59:00.000-08:00

...Are here.

I had a lot going on last Christmas - in many many ways - which explained why I was stressed and anxious. Now - not so much. There's really little reason for me to feel the way I do right now.

Except for my crazy brain and heart. As I said in my last post, things are going well and not so well. I don't trust the well. Mom trusts the well. Mom is in love. Mom has a new boyfriend. The new boyfriend has kids. She wants to have one big happy family. Cause she's happy. I don't trust happy. Happily ever after is a fraud.

As is the idea of happy holidays. They were always sugar coated when I was growing up. We had this beautiful house and all the gifts and the party and the matching clothes. But there was always a fight or an argument or drama in the house.

And now - after years of that conditioning, I'm supposed to accept that this new man that seems great isn't going to be a complete asshole who leads my mom into leaving me high and dry and that this holiday is going to be great. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in February. I don't want to go through the next few months waiting for the inevitable fuck up. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain.

How do I not do this? How do I not fuck up my mom's happiness? Hell - how do I not fuck up my own happiness? Now that I'm moderately better at not thinking that I'm horrible, how do I expect better from life. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to believe in happily ever after. I deserve to have a happy holiday that is filled with friends and family, not the fear that it will all become unraveled. But how? Enough has happened this year for me to not entirely trust happily ever after. And for me to be significantly uncomfortable with just telling myself: "everything is going to be ok,". Everytime I've done that. Every time I've tried to "let go" - it ended badly. I like the control, the ease of the expected negative outcome. How do people live with thinking everything is rosy knowing damn well it probably won't be?

Of course I'm thinking this as I'm doing stupid, self-destructive stuff that will only make the inevitable bad even worse. If there were weapons involved in my internal conflicts, it would be bloody

1 step forward, x steps back

2007-11-19T08:27:00.000-08:00

Not doing great. Not doing horribly, but not doing great. So many things are going well, that I feel ungrateful and unsettled about the not well stuff. I'm making friends and being social and making plans and being gutsy and when I'm doing that - I'm happy. I'm being quite awesome at that stuff. And then I get home, and my apartment is a mess, and all Iwant to do is eat ice cream and I'm lonely and pathetic. And I'm doing stupid stuff - like eating ice cream and staying up too late to go to 6Am spin and having too much to do after work to cook something real or workout and being fine with a guy only wanting me for sex because at least he wants me.

And apparently knowing that I'm being stupid and self destructive doesnt make me feel any better about being stupid and self destructive. I realize that they are my decisions. And I own them. I don't regret them. I just don't like them. The ice cream is great (yay haagen-dazs). The sex was (very) nice. I'm liking having time to be social and not stress about working out. Honestly there are 2 issues here. 1 is about balance - which was one of the last conversations I had with my therapist...I like losing weight, I like working out, but how do you do that and be social. I can only lose weight when I'm working out 2-3 hours for 4-5 days a week. And I need to be able to cook and plan and grocery shop. But I can't do that when EVERY evening I have something planned. And when the plans usually involve food. The second issue is that while I have a very full life right now, it's not enough. I just feel rejected. And it's even worse because I now have these great friends so I know that it's not that I'm completely hopeless, people seem to enjoy my company. They seem to want me around, to some degree at least. But no one wants me romantically. And I want that. I feel myself turning into this bitter and cynical and sad person every day. This person who is lonely and untrusting and unbelieving. And then I take it out on everyone around me. Cause I don;t understand why they have someone and I don't. What's wrong with me?

I know what the solutions to these issues are. Better planning and well...stop doing stupid stuff. But I don't want to. Well I'll attempt at the planning, but I'm enjoying having a life. I'm also (duh) enjoying the physical intimacy. It makes me feel like at least he wants me in that way...So I think I'm going to continue being stupid for a while.

The problem, btw

2007-11-08T16:42:00.000-08:00

Incidentally, the possibility that people read your blog makes it a little hard to speak specifically about certain issues - so that's why my last post made no sense.

hmmmmmmmm....

2007-11-08T16:34:00.000-08:00

So it's fall now. And all I really want to do is curl up somewhere and sleep for a while. I've been pretty successful at being social though, and that's what's saving and distracting me from a general feeling of bleh. I'm just feeling a little antsy and unsettled. I know what I need to do about it, but I just need to do it - better said than done, though right?

It's just that some parts of life are (for the time being) very lined up and are good. Other parts need attention and effort. I was reminded this week of hat happens wen you ignore it and think that it's gone away...the real emotions and needs come out and blindside you. But since the universe has one hell of a sense of humor things may change just as quickly - which amuses and pleases me, so I'm banking on that to make the changes I don't have the energy to make.

My lack of discipline is showing

2007-10-15T14:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I updated. I'm quite possibly one of the least disciplined people in the world. There's so much I want to do and even more that I have to do - so I end up jumping from idea to idea, project to project...somethings get finished, somethings don't, and ongoing things get neglected. I want so much to be those people who get things done. But I'm not.

I know it has something to do with something. I can tell that I'm doing OK but not great. I'm still struggling with some emotions - not sure what they are (stress? anger? fear? sadness?) but I'm eating them and avoiding them. I've eaten so much crap lately. Recognizing this gets me an A for effort, but really doesn't mean anything. I did go to the store yesterday and buy (mostly) healthy stuff. I'm making a valiant effort to plan my meals and get to the gym. It's not just eating either. Until yesterday, my apartment was a disaster. Not just messy - but hazardly cluttered with stuff flung everywhere.

I've just been staying so busy - working, knitting, reading, going out. That's about it. Except I'm not just doing 1 thing at work - I'm usually doing 5. I've got 3 different knitting projects going. And I'm reading 4 books. And I don't just have 1 event to go to - I have 2 or 3 an evening. I know this is wrong. As Dr B told - you can't do more than 1 thing at a time - you can just do 1 thing and then another. I can see things starting to try their spiral, so I'm trying to hold it all together. Trying to control as much as I can. Trying... I like my 5 million projects. But I know things are suffering as a result. I may have to cool it - work on balance....finish a project or 2. Say NO to an invitation. Finish 1 book before starting another.

Thinking a bit - I realize that alot of what I have as outstanding projects or books or whatever are "commitments" to other people. I'm working on 1 scarf for myself - but all I can thinking about is finishing it so I have the needles to work on something for mom. I've got another 2 scarves for mom in the works. And I need to start this hat I promised I'd make kevin. And a ruffle scarf for Aunt Sharon. One of the books is for book club, 1 is for work, 2 are because I just felt like I had to read them. My new friends are sweet - they make it really hard to say no.
Of course it's even harder becacuse the fatalist in me is certain that the invites will stop coming - cause, you know...well I know they're not. But I keep thinking that every party, dinner out, happy hour is the last. I just need to remind myself that it's not.

Well blogger has a scheduled outage soon...I'm glad I figured this out. I can't make any promises that I can fix these things today or this week. But I guess - I have to remember - I can't do all this at once, and I can't please everybody all the time - the quality of all of it suffers...and so do I if I keep this up

A lot can change...

2007-09-29T11:01:00.000-07:00

...In just a few hours.

So I did not feel well yesterday. Actually I felt better than I did Thursday evening, but I wasn't 100%. Nevertheless, there was a Yelp DYL (Destroy Your Liver - happy hour) in Oakland - which are few and far between. I replied on the event thread that I prob wouldn't make it because I was grouchy and felt icky and wanted to be a hermit. Well Tina (one of my favorites) wasn't having that and said that I had to come because she missed me. So I went.

And had a BLAST.

It was at the Congo Room in Rockridge. The night started with a few drinks with the rowdy yelpers. Then the bar was taken over by a birthday party. Early in the party, a tall, (very) dark, and handsome (and well-dressed...hello! my favorite type) man walked in - but he couldn't really see me because I was mixed in with my group and he was with his. I made the right moves to be kinda noticed - but nothing. Finally...Lise's husband (my new dating guru) and Tina's man said that it would be perfectly acceptable for me to buy this guy a drink. So I bought my drink and asked the bartender if she knew what he was drinking - she did - so I bought it, took it over, said hi, and walked away. A few minutes later, he waved me over and said: Thanks, but you can't bring a drink over and then walk away. So we talked. He's pretty nice. Great looking. Later we danced a little, went back to our respective groups then danced more later. He has my number... but you know what - it was enough just to kinda test out being brazen.

So moral of the story - when you have nothing to lose...you may have something to gain. Or something like that. I'm still a wee bit hungover.

This week in review

2007-09-28T12:49:00.000-07:00

Wow - another unspectacular week. If you wanted to know how I'm doing - a little better. A little.

Why?

1. The friend that stood me up is now ignoring me. I don't get it. It's her malfunction, not mine, but hurts all the same

2. Had a nice first meeting with the Yelper book club Lust For kNowledge

3. I'm slightly freaked out for reasons I don't feel like sharing with the whole wide world. But I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

4. I bought some fun yarn this week. Noro - I've never worked with it before, but I found a fun and interesting pattern that calls for it.

5. Earned some bonus points with my writing at work this week - that's always good.

6. I found out that the support group that was really working for me is going to be disbanded in 2 weeks

See - unspectacular. Not amazingly good or bad. But I have to have to have to get out of my funk over this weekend. It is non-negotiable. I have plans to go to a nice wine tasting hosted by Yelp for the Elite members on Monday and then Wednesday night I leave for what should be a fun weekend in Chicago. I don't have the time or the energy or the liberty to be all funked out.

No one tells you...

2007-09-22T12:33:00.000-07:00

No one tells you that when you pack up all your shit and move across country to a city where you don't know anyone that you may end up living there for a year and still not have any reliable friends. They don't tell you that you will be unable to make any fun plans - even a few days ahead - because you never know what will happen.

My friend/co-worker Ann flaked on going to the Giants game tonight. I've been wanting to go to a game all season but had been unable to find anyone to go with me. This being the last week of the season (the Giants suck and will not being going to the playoffs), she agreed on Wednesday to go. I put 2 view reserved tickets over the 3rd base line on my debit card and have been so excited about it. Then it rained today. It's just supposed to be cold and foggy today (when isn't it), but she doesn't want to go. I texted my one other friend - nope, he doesn't either.

I've never had tons of friends. I'm too introverted and untrusting for that. I've always had my few close friends - wherever I am - and that's it. That's always been enough. Just 5 or 6 people who I could generally count on to keep me entertained and in good company whenever I was feeling like it. Which really isn't all that often. I've tried here. Joined things. Gone to random happy hours. Genuinely made an effort to be social and friendly - to build a network. For nothing. For a year later to be sitting here with $60 of tickets and no one to go with.

It wasn't always perfect in DC. Lord knows I had more than my share of lonely days. But let's face it - they were more than likely my own fault...the result of enjoying being isolated and being terrified that if I didn't inflict my own isolation, I may be isolated by the rest of the world anyway because why would anyone actually want to be in my company, right?

And so now - despite my efforts and good intentions - I'm still alone. The horrible negative voice in my head - the one I have worked so hard this year to shut off...regardless of everything that has happened - is having it's own little celebratory party. Reminding me of all the reasons why I don't have friends. Reminding me why it's not worth it to even try. It was so much easier to be lonely when I didn't want or need anything else. But now, really? What is the point? For whatever reason - I just don't have what everyone else has or gets or whatever. I don't know how they do it. How do they get friends? How do other peoeple get to be so happy with their lives?

This is what no one tells you. That the world isn't fair. That some people will get happily ever after. And some of us will get shit. That no matter what you can't change what group you're in. And that when you think you have, when you've worked your ass off and try your hardest, you're still not going to change your fate.

I think I picked the wrong career

2007-09-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

I really thinking I was supposed to be a teacher - specifically an algebra teacher. Not to sound braggy, but I have a gift for explaining algebra and I like it and I like seeing when a kid gets it. Granted I'm only 3 weeks into tutoring, but it's going very well - I had a repeat student yesterday from last week and was able to explain a concept to another student that the other tutor and the student's mom couldn't. Yay!

But there's not much I can do about it. Until I find a rich husband who can help pay for my student loans, I can't just throw away my B.S.B.A. and go back to school for teaching credentials. How was I supposed to know what my gifts were at age 20? How am I supposed to know, now, what my gifts are? I'm good at what I do. I enjoy it. it's not completely horrible or great, but I don't dread going to work the way I did in past positions. But how do I know if this is what I'm supposed to do?

Brilliant and Fabulous Recipe - Shrimp Veracruz

2007-09-20T11:36:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I could share something brilliant and fabulous this week...a recipe!

My friend and coworker Ann is always teasing me about how I cook. So does my mom. I just don't want to fall into the idea of being the quintessential single woman eating light popcorn, Lean Cuisine and Haagen-Dazs for dinner. Not that I don't have popcorn (and wine) for dinner. Occasionally. But most of the time I like to have real food and a nice home-cooked meal.

That said - I'm always on the hunt for easy, quick, made for 1 or 2 meals. The website Yumsugar almost always delivers. Having met Ms. Yumsugar herself, I know that she's also young, brilliant, fabulous, and busy (she's a fellow Yelper). I found this recipe a few months ago and it's totally part of my repertoire/rotation because it's yummy, quick, and can be made with ingredients I almost always have on hand.

Fire Roasted Tomato-Shrimp Veracruz
From Oprah
1 tbsp. olive oil
1 pound medium raw shrimp, shelled and deveined, tails removed (if desired)
4 medium green onions, sliced (about 1/4 cup)
1 medium fresh jalapeño or serrano chile, stemmed, seeded and finely chopped
1 tsp. grated orange zest
1 tsp. chopped fresh thyme leaves or 1/2 tsp. dried thyme leaves
1 14 1/2-oz. can fire-roasted diced tomatoes, undrained. (If fire-roasted tomatoes are unavailable, use regular canned diced tomatoes.)

In a 12-inch skillet, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat. Cook the shrimp, green onions, chile, orange zest and thyme in the oil for 1 minute, stirring frequently.
Stir in the tomatoes. Heat the mixture until it boils.
Reduce the heat; simmer, uncovered, for about 5 minutes, or until shrimp are pink and firm and sauce is slightly thickened, stirring occasionally.

Serves 4.

Nutritional information: 180 calories, 5 grams fat, 1 gram saturated fat, 172 mg of cholesterol, 400 mg sodium, 7 grams carbohydrate, 1 gram fiber, 24 grams protein

Some notes - I use Trader Joe's or Contessa brand frozen, cooked, tail off shrimp instead of raw - this does change the cooking time a little. I also almost always use regular onions (usually small walla walla onions from the farmer's market) - cause I have them on hand. I serve with whole wheat cous cous. Enjoy!

Boringest Week Ever

2007-09-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

Um yeah, I went to a great school. ;)

But seriously, I haven't posted in nearly a week because my life is sooooo incredibly boring. Yet, I've been insanely busy. So what gives, right?

Well - in an attempt to deliver either a) something interesting or b) proof that I'm a total loser, here's the highlights of my week.

I can leg press 450 lbs now. I love lifting weights. I hate the shocked guys who feel the need to comment on it.
I finished knitting my first hat. This is the first non-scarf that I've made. I'm also working on another hat and a scarf for mom.
I drank 3 mimosas (they were $3 each) for no reason on Sunday. I think we should all drink champagne for no reason - all the time. Then I got a manicure. I really need to find a rich husband ASAP - I wanna do this everyday...drink, get pampered. So if any of my 3 or so readers have any rich, generous (preferably black) friends...I'm cute, single, cook well and have other skills.
I'm obsessed with The Wire and Weeds. Add this to Big Love and my netflix queue is filled with TV shows on DVD. Maybe I should just get cable.
I won Will.I.Am's new cd from Popbytes because I knew the name of the deceased rapper (and his label) who discovered Will and put together the Black Eyed Peas. (Pssst...it was Eazy-E...thanks! Z for giving me that bit of useless information).
I'm going to the Giants vs Reds game on Saturday.

See - pretty gosh darn dull. I try to do something interesting this week.

Random thoughts for today

2007-09-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

Kinda all over the the place today - Hopefully, I'll get my mind straightened out this weekend.
In the meantime here's a slightly coherent, tangential post of pretty much unrelated topics:

I effing love the internets. I LOVE the internets. I have a hard time believing there was life pre-internets. Shopping, meeting people, finding things, watching television...seriously - is there anything you CAN'T do on the internet. Today's obsession - pandora.com. I know, I'm like 2 years late, but I love it. Especially since my iPod died. It totally saves me from having to listen to people at work. Not that I wouldn't want to listen to people at work. But you know - having an endless supply of music makes things nice. Besides music, I just love how a medium that had the potential to isolate us has really brought us together. Thanks to instant message an message boards, I've kept up with friends regardless of distance and met new friends.
I'm obsessed with knitting right now. I got like this last fall too. But now I know how to make hats. Oh yeah.
I wish I had more girl friends. I had a great talk night before last with my friend Patty. We worked together when we were both in school in DC. Then she moved back to NYC and now I'm out here. But it was just such a great talk. It would be nice if I had a friend like her to hang out with and drink wine and chill and just have fun. Not to say I don't miss my DC friends in general.
I'm enjoying tutoring. Yesterday was my second day tutoring at the Oakland libraries. I've worked with 2 different adorable young men with math. Its fun and so rewarding to help them. I wish there were more girls - so I could be more of a mentor, but this is pretty good too
The universe has a f*cked up sense of humor. I don't wanna go into too many details but why is it that nothing ever turns out 100% right. Things are always "great...but...". Like - you meet a great guy...but he wants to be friends. Or you meet another and there's something off about him. Or you have a great apartment but there's no kitchen. Or you move to a great place but you have no friends or... or... you know. Like seriously - is it possible to just get something good...without turning around and being bitchslapped by reality?

That's it for now. I'm sure there's more, but...

Lolcat from http://www.smoothharold.com/2007/03/how-to-drive-site-traffic-by-going.html

Adventures in Dating...an update

2007-09-11T13:52:00.000-07:00

7 replies
4 definite nos
3 with possibility
1 first date

There won't be a second.

Touchy Subject?

2007-09-11T12:31:00.000-07:00

I have a hard time talking to my (mostly white) friends about race issues. Sometimes I initiate the conversation, sometimes it just ends up there, sometimes they start it, but it always frustrates me.

I think it's because I already have a conflicted view of my own racial identity. Don't get me wrong. I'm black. I close enough to some relatives who "passed" to maybe play the "I've got some Indian in me" game. But I'm black. However, I grew up in a very white world. My mother was raised to not speak in vernacular - so I was, too. My diction combined with my tendencies towards classic/staid clothes and academic pursuits often end with me being asked "Do you think you're white?" Moving away from Indiana and growing up a little have allowed me to become more comfortable with who I am...but just barely.

So, talking about race issues becomes complicated for me because I feel a) that I have to speak for the whole of black America and black womanhood and b) that I don't have the right to say anything - because I'm not "black" enough. I realize that a) is impossible. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure my friends don't expect me to be their official black spokesperson. I also realize that b) isn't too realistic either - and that as a black woman, I have every right to share my experiences.

My inner conflict then blossoms into frustration because I want to call them on their views that I often feel are dismissive, naive, and simplistic. Too many discussions feel like my views - because they're predicated on race - are incorrect. Or that my friends don't really believe that it's that challenging. Or that they really think that if we close our eyes, hold hands and sing kumbiyah, we'll wipe it all away. I don't know how to explain this frustration. Or how the reality of my personal confusion makes dealing with being black and woman in America so
difficult.

Right now - I don't feel like saying anything further. It's so exhausting. Plus it makes me sad cause I'd really just like some black woman friends who I can discuss this with. So dealing with this - and my general issues just brings to front the pain of black women never liking me. I know at this point it's just self fulfilling prophecy because I avoid interactions with black women so that I don't have to endure the pain of yet more rejection.

I am not my hair - or am I?

2007-09-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

In 2002, I cut off all my hair. ALL of it. well most of it...but I got sick of the drama of having relaxed hair and cut it off. For almost 3 years, I had a "natural" - I eventually texturized my hair, but no relaxer. Then I tried to do a more "conservative look" and relaxed it, only to have to cut it all off again because the relaxer had done so much damage.

So for the last 2 years I had a natural. Well I still have a natural - but it's under a weave.

Yep - a weave...like Beyonce, Tyra, and all of them...

My hair is longer than it's been in 20 years. And by my hair I mean the weave. I've had braids. I had braids for the last year, but decided to try something new.

I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I know - for $400 I damn well better love it. Which I do. But have I sold out? When I cut off my hair, I got a lot of questions and comments about men, particularly black men, preferring long hair. At the time I said - "I refuse to be defined by my hair"...and actually I hooked up more in that first year of short hair, than I have since (but maybe that doesn't mean much).

Now, I am, as my mom put it, the "dream look...long hair and light skin" (and yes, by the way, I've got a nice booty). I'm pretty sure I did this for me. But I'm completely sure that I'm enjoying the glances that are way more appreciative than they were with my little afro only last week. Or maybe I just notice them more.

Adventures in Dating...

2007-09-06T12:46:00.000-07:00

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and hoping for different results. Me + craigslist = insanity. I keep saying I'm going to stop posting personals, but I don't. I'm about to post another one as soon as I think of something witty to say. I mean what does it hurt really? It's annoying, yes. And a little depressing - particularly when a guy doesn't reply after seeing my pic. Like really? You're trolling craigslist, too, stop acting like you're really something special.

I guess it really just highlights the general state of my love life. Generally I'm not impressed by anyone - and apparently no one is impressed by me either. I did meet an interesting guy at the gym last week - unfortunately he's African. And, making sweeping generalizations, African guys are chauvinistic and possessive - so that wouldn't work for me. I really don't understand, though, why it's so difficult to find a smart, interesting, ambitious, good looking black man in the Bay Area. Not that there were tons in DC, but still. They're all either in their 30s (nothing wrong with that, but they think I'm "young") or they're none of the above - they have kids, they're ugly, they're dumb as all get out (or think it's cool to seem it), they're dull, they can't hold a conversation. Sigh.

In the meantime - here's the latest example of my insanity:

SBW - Are you looking for me? - 25 (oakland hills / mills)

Reply to: pers-415648991@craigslist.org
Date: 1969-12-31, 4:33PM PST

Are you looking for a smart, sweet, sexy, sophisticated woman?

Well - HI!

I'm all of those...and a little more. I'm 25, live in Oakland, and have been in the Bay Area for a year. I'm not outdoorsy, but I enjoy hiking and learned how to snowboard last season. I enjoy good wine, interesting conversation, and traveling (internationally and domestic). I listen to NPR, hip hop, classic rock, experimental folk, and RnB. I love to laugh and dance and knit and shop. I have a hard time saying no and am a bit of a bleeding heart - so I volunteer with a couple organizations in Oakland. I try to spend as many hours at the gym as I do trying to find a good happy hour.

So I'm hoping you're looking for someone like me. I'm looking for someone who is smart, can make me laugh and can make me blush. I'm looking for someone who likes hiking and happy hours and hopping on a plane to wherever whenever the mood strikes. I'm allergic to drama. I don't do drugs, and you shouldn't either.

I'm hoping you'll reply to this ad with a picture and tell me something interesting about yourself. Something so interesting that I'll actually laugh out loud here at work (or maybe just get a sweet, slightly naughty smile). I'll reply back with a picture of me and hopefully we can get a good conversation going. Single black men preferred - being single and a man isn't optional.

One year later

2007-09-02T21:34:00.000-07:00

A year ago today, I moved to Oakland. I got in. Picked up my rental truck (from Zipcar) and went to Ikea to replace my furniture.

1 year
2 apartments
1 roommate
1 cat
and lots more other stuff later.

I'm still here. In sum, I think it was a good move. I don't know if it was just the timing of the move with the other stuff, but I've definitely been stretched and have grown. That's not to say that there aren't days when I miss DC. I do. It was home. I'm also (fairly often) genuinely lonely here. I've found the odd person to hang out with and groups to join. But that's not the same as having real actual friends. I'm learning to deal with it. I think that my sudden desperation to get married is definitely heightened by being here - alone.

Beyond the loneliness, this was a good move. Like I said - I've stretched and grown. I have tried new things - like hiking and snowboarding. It's a better place career wise. And all around, it's just been good for me.

This was total prattle. It's hard to put in words the experience of moving cross country.

A bit of perspective

2007-08-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

I'm not a believer in the idea that you should downplay what's going on in your life because someone else has it worse. Someone always has it worse - but that doesn't mean that my shit isn't valid.

That said sometimes you hear about someone else and their struggles and how much worse they have it and how they're kicking ass and it's just like: whoa. I've just got depression and superficial stuff - but this, this is real.

That's how I felt when I read this blog posting by Jeff W., a fellow "Yelper" who I don't know, but but I admire for sharing his story. I am impressed and inspired by his strength. I was also happy to hear earlier today that the mass spotted on the scan was not cancerous. Nevertheless, I'm sending positive thoughts, well wishes, and prayers for Jeff's health and love to his family.

If I looked like this...

2007-08-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

If I looked like this:

Saleisha from ANTM9

I would be such a bitch. And would dress like a hooker. Seriously, I would be horrible. You would hate me. Which is why God will never let me look like that. Plus there's my love of Haagen-Dazs.

Now, lest you think that I'm worrying my pretty little head about EVER being that thin...I'm not. I, personally, would look like a bobble head if I put my head on that body. I honestly like my body. But I would be such a bitch if I looked like that. An unbearable bitch.

But speaking of ANTM and being a not small person. This is the token plus size girl:

Sarah from ANTM9

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?

Photos from: http://community.livejournal.com/topmodel/1659691.html

The visit

2007-08-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

Mom and I in Chicago this Summer

My mother is coming to visit. She arrives tonight and is staying through next Wednesday. Whew..sigh. I love my mom - but her visits stress me out so much.

Here's the backstory. I am the quintessential member of the black middle class in-between generation. We're just like any other first-generation American group, except our parents were born here. For me, this means straddling between the highly religious, family oriented, thrifty world of my mom's and the fun, spiritual not religious, consumeristic world of my (mostly white) peers. It's remembering that while I occasionally curse around friends - or at least lace my sentences with an effing or hella, that's not acceptable. It's remembering to hide my condoms and cigarettes and "toy" when she visits. It's remembering to call before a date to pre-empt any interruptions.

It is tiring. Extremely tiring. And I know, as I'm told any time she visits, that I'm a "grown-ass woman", but it's a lot easier to be a grown-ass woman when she's 2000 miles away. It's simplistic to think that I can just not do the necessary things - slip a curse word in here, leave the cigarettes I rarely smoke in the console of the car, and be open about who I spend time with. I know there are people who do that. People whose parents are open and understanding about premarital sex and cursing and whatever else. But I can't. Trust me - I can't. It's not like I could do that, tell her I'm a grown-ass woman and that be the end of it. No no no. I left a pack of cigarettes in my car years ago. I was 20. I'm still occasionally asked if I'm trying to "sneak and smoke." Ummmmm yeah - I'm 20something and live thousands of miles away...I don't have to sneak to smoke. I get regular lectures on the dangers (physical, like STDs, and emotional) of premarital sex...with the extra warning that it's going to send me to hell.

I am learning to give her a little more benefit of the doubt that she won't flip and just assert myself. I've finally admitted that I don't go to church, I don't want to go to church and I won't until I figure-out how I feel about church and God and religion. While she's hinted toward her disappointment a couple times (asking me if we were going to church this visit and how much she wants to), she's largely left me alone about it. I did tell her, ahead of time, of a trip to Tahoe with a guy I'd been kinda dating and she completely freaked me out by asking if I had cute undies and pajamas. I didn't tell her nothing happened on that trip.

And it's not just the superficial behaviors that I hide to gain her approval. Having her here, in my space, is a challenge. She hasn't arrived yet, but I'm exhausted from cleaning and planning and trying to show her that the sacrifices she made to raise me were worthwhile. In my own whacked out head, every visit is a referendum on my appreciation of everything I was given and an opportunity to ...I don't know....give her fodder for the parents' game of look what my kid is doing? show off my "maturity"? Lord only knows why I freak out so much about it. But I do.

So, she's visiting - for 8 days. Yes, I have everyday planned. Dinners, brunch, SFMoMA, Napa, a hike, the spa etc. Of course I'll be pissed when she wants to change most of it. And I have apartment stocked with goodies for her. Which I already slightly resent because she barely had any food in the house when I last visited her. But I really am happy she's visiting. Happy and stressed - but happy.

Engagements

2007-08-27T11:24:00.000-07:00

OK - I'm going to say it one last time, and it's just going to have to count for everyone.

"Congratulations!"

There. I've said it. I'm happy for you. I think it's great that you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I think all of your wedding ideas are great. It's going to be beautiful and who cares what your family wants - it's your day and as long as you're happy, that's all that matters.

Now, when is this going to happen for me??????????

I was never one of those girls who wanted to get married. I've always been fiercely independent, and I realize that this is more about feeling left out of the club that everyone is joining, than really being ready to make a lifetime commitment. But goshdarnit, I WANNA GET MARRIED.

Every week another friend gets engaged. I think I'm in the last 30 girls in my high school class to get married or engaged...and about 20 of them have long-term boyfriends and will get married soon. I'm seriously pushing the point where I can barely feign happiness and support for my friends. Which then just makes me feel like a bad person - and the fact that I'm a bad person is why I'm going to be single forever.

And it's not just the joy of having a lifelong companion, you get prizes for it. Meanwhile I have to buy all of my own kitchen gadgets and linens and undies. bah! Not to make this all about consumer goods, but really? Just cause I'm single I don't need a kitchenaid mixer? Sigh.

In all seriousness, I'm having a really tough time with this - inexplicably tough. I really just want to be happy for my friends and secure in the knowledge that at the right time and with the right person, this will happen for me, but I can't. I have very little faith in happy endings for me. So the fact that I'm very single basically destroys the hope that I'll be joining the married club any time soon. And yes - I know - when I stop looking, I'll find someone (god, I could write a whole entry on idiotic that sentence is), but my patience is thin.

So, in the meantime - Congratulations.

Ring photo courtesy tiffany.com

The Weekend and the Apartment

2007-08-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

I live in a shoebox. Well, my landlady likes to call it a 400 sq ft in-law studio.

But for our purposes, we'll call it it a shoebox. And it's probably closer to 350 sq. ft, but who's counting.

Although I've lived there for 6 months, I was struggling with making the apartment liveable. According to the author of Apartment Therapy, you should be prepared to spend up to 1 month's rent in making the apartment fit your needs. Ummm well - I don't have that kind of cash sitting around. So I've been working at it a little at a time.

I had an unexpected influx of cash this week, so this weekend I tackled some of the things that would immediately make my life easier. I purchased storage for my kitchen (it's a converted space - so it had no cabinetry...just islands from Ikea and a small sideboard) and a couch.

The change has made a HUGE difference. I'll post some before and after pics soon (the apartment is in its usual state of mess) but cooking and living and eating is much easier. I've still a few other things to work out and other things that can't be changed, but I'm happy that my house is (almost) a home.

I have to highly recommend Apartment Therapy by Maxwell Gillingham-Ryan and his website/blog Apartment Therapy. He's starting another online 8-week "cure" on September 5. I'm not sure if I'm going to join into this one again, but if you live in a small space - it's a great way to start making it work for you.

All About Me

2007-08-24T10:31:00.000-07:00

I realized last night that in my introduction I really didn't say anything substantive about who I am. So here goes...

I'm 24 years old
I'm single
I'm black/African American/a Person of Color/whatever the term is now
I live in Oakland, CA
I grew up in Indiana - and no, not Gary, Evansville
I attended American University in Washington, DC
Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week
I don't know how to ride a bike
I have suffered from Depression for most of my life
My MBTI type is INTJ
My favorite flowers are peonies and dahlias
People I admire: my mom, my aunts (Ann, Vivi, Sharon), Carly Fiorina, Elaine Brown
People who irk me: Beyonce, Tyra, probably others but they're repeat offenders

That's me. At least for now

By the way...

2007-08-23T15:50:00.001-07:00

I realize that my page is very pink. I'm not sure how I feel about it either.

Welcome to my brilliant and fabulous world

2007-08-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

I think I'm pretty amazing. I want to share my amazingness with the world.

Wait, I don't think that sounded quite right.

Anyway, I have a pretty interesting (in a dull kinda way) life. I think I have knowledge and insight to offer because I've found brilliant and fabulous solutions to not optimal situations. I decided to create this blog as a venue for me to share my experiences and thoughts and ramblings (I ramble a lot) in the hope that I can make a difference.

I plan to talk about all the things that affect my life and whatever other random topics hit me. I had another blog that was quasi-political. This one is more quasi-personal. I'll try to represent my life in as truthful a manner as possible, but details will be changed to protect my identity/safety, the identities of others, and if they make me look really bad.

Please leave comments - I'll moderate, but try not to edit - cause I can always use more knowledge and insight to build on my brilliance and fabulousness.