Why I haven't posted

I haven't posted in a while and it's not for lack of trying. I've started posts and not finished them. It's partially a function of being busy. And partially a realization that it was very easy to share with strangers and the whole wide world everything that was going wrong. And now that things are right - I don;'t want to share. Lord help me, but I'm turning into Beyonce and considering my relationship "sacred" or whatever the celebrity buzzword for mind your own business is.

I guess now would have been the more interesting to have been writing. Goodness and my own attempts at googling have revealed that there's few resources for black girls dating Asian guys. If I was clever or witty, I'm sure I could have retrieved a few blog postings from lunch with his mom, or Thanksgiving dinner (oh the drama of what to wear and what to bring), or the day of shopping with his mom and godmother. There's also the stares, the quizzical looks, the strangers feeling the need to comment on our Benetton-ad cuteness.

But at the end of the day, as much as some of it is undoubtedly cultural, and I do google what to say or do or bring, a lot of it isn't. I'm not sure when I stopped freaking out that I had an Asian boyfriend and just freaked out about having a boyfriend, and then stopped freaking out at all. I've never felt this secure and confident in or about a relationship. Which is why I don't need to write paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs about it here, because there's nothing to digest or stress about or ramble about. It just is. And that's nice.

So I guess I need to think of other things to be brilliant and fabulous about since I have this part of my life figured out...stay tuned

Oldie but goodie: Love Matters

In the run up to the November 4th election and the vote in California on Proposition 8, a ballot initiative that would place an anti-gay marriage amendment on the CA constitution, I've decided to re-post an article from my old blog. I wrote it on Valentine's Day 2006. Since then, the Supreme Courts in California and Connecticut have issued decisions allowing gay marriage. There's the possibility that history and the courts may be moving in the direction of equality. Unfortunately, some people choose to use fear and bigotry to push through ballot measures that would undo years of work and place hate into the supreme law of the most populous state in the union.

If you read my blog and you live in CA, Vote NO on Prop 8

Today is Valentine's Day. A day when couples around the nation (world?) celebrate love and happiness and other gushy stuff that I couldn't care less about.

That said, I feel compelled to use today to post about Marriage Equality. This is the day of the year that is about love (ok, and chocolate) and the greatest manifestation of love is marriage and dedicating your life to 1 other person and building a family with him/her. However, in 49 states in the nation, 7% of the adult population (15 million) is not able to legally marry. Yes, this nation that is currently fighting for equality and an end to religious oppression in other nations denies a significant portion of its citizens this fundamental right. Why? Does their love matter less than everyone else?

No. But this isn't about love. It's about fear. It's about discrimination. And it's about hate.

Because if everyone thought about the benefits of granting equal rights of marriage regardless of gender or sex, they wouldn't have an argument against it. But thinking about the benefits - I can find several arguments for it:

Continued discrimintation is un-constitutional: Beyond the arguments about church and state, is the fact the Supreme Court has already ruled that marriage is an fundamental right that all people in the United States are entitled to. In the case of Loving v Virginia, 1967, the court held that, "The freedom to marry has long been recognized as one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by free men." In the majority opinion, Chief Justice Warren writes that

Marriage is one of the "basic civil rights of man," fundamental to our very existence and survival...To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State's citizens of liberty without due process of law.

Going out on a limb, I would not just apply the due process clause of the 14th ammendment, but I would also use the lesser regarded "privledges and immunities" clause. As a refresher, the 14th ammendment reads:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws

By narrowly defining marriage as being between a man and a woman, you are depriving people of their lives and the priviledge afforded to all citizens to get married. Only in the circumstance of bigamy is marriage otherwise hampered. You can get married while on death row for murder - when stripped of most other rights, but you cannot marry if you will be marrying someone of your same sex.

Further, marriage discrimination is anti-competitive. States that want the edge on attracting the best and brightest workers should start recognizing all marriages soon. 211 of the Fortune 500 and 3/4 of the Fortune top 50 companies offer "spousal equivalent" or domestic partner benefits to their lesbian and gay employees. Because states currently have a patchwork of rights (or denial of rights) afforded to GLBT citizens - ranging from legalized same-sex marriages in Massachusetts to basic domestic-partner benefits in other states and an explicit denial of all rights in Virginia - companies with wide-spread offices face challenges in offering benefits and face the possibility that some of their best workers will avoid or refuse transfers and promotions to states that are hostile to their families.

I suppose first we should step back and solidify the argument that these benefits are good for business. In the most basic of terms, its a case of equal pay for equal work. Benefits can be up to 40% of total compensation. Because they are often based on marriage (although discrimination based on marital status is illegal), employees who are married technically make more than employees who do not. At the same time, because most states have not legalized gay marriage, benefits based on marriage are unattainable for gay workers. Further, Domestic partner benefits are a generally inexpensive enhancement to overall compensation packages that play a large part in recruitment and retention of employees. In fact, they are the #1 most effective recruiting incentive for executives and #3 for managers and line employeeds. Finally, one could use this arguement from the Human Rights campaign in regards to the increase in productivity for offering domestic partnership benefits.

A domestic partner benefits program will also improve employees' productivity by alleviating personal stress that may keep them from focusing fully on work. At least one workplace advocate has employed a simple formula to measure the dollar amount of increased productivity created by a fair and inclusive work environment for GLBT workers. The formula conservatively assumes the number of
GLBT employees in any workplace to be 5 percent and the amount of productivity associated with a safe and equitable workplace to be 10 percent. Using these figures, you can illustrate how much money a company might lose by not providing a safe and equitable workplace. (For example: A company with a workforce of 1,000 employees would have 50 GLBT employees [1,000 x 0.05=50]. If the average salary is $40,000, the average loss in productivity per GLBT worker per year is $4,000 [$40,000 x 0.10=$4,000]. Thus, the total annual loss to the company in productivity would be $200,000 [50 x$4,000=$200,000].)

Jumping back to the original argument of the anti-competitive nature of marriage discrimination, companies that make the smart business decision to offer such benefits should - and will - choose to not do business in a state that, based on descrimination, causes the financial and logistical nightmare described above.

Finally, love matters. In a time when 50% of marriages end in divorce, it doesn't make sense to punish anyone who wants to be in a loving relationship. The Human Rights Campaign has a beautiful homepage up today that shows the relationships that our GLBT friends, loved ones and neighbors are in - in spite of discrimination. How many of us can say that we have found the person with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives? And how many of us would accept that we cannot marry that person because a few people are uncomfortable or find a moral objection to our relationship? I think most of us would be pretty flipping mad.

It's time to support marriage equality. GLBT couples in 8 states are currently in legal battles to fight for their rights. Show the courts and the legislatures that love matters - not discrimination. Visit www.hrc.org or www.lambdalegal.org to learn how to make a difference.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Less than 6 degrees of separation

Reason #456679 to fly under the radar:

I'm sitting at book club and mention that one of my coworkers is very happy with a mutual friend's performance as a realtor. I mention that I'd recommended 2 different friends: Person A - the mutual girl friend and Person B - a guy friend who has occasionally been more than that. My book club friend looks at me and says how do you know "______ ______." I look at her and say, how do you know "____________ _____________"

Wow. Just goes to show, there's only 10 of us and they do the rest with mirrors

I'm ba-ack

So, so, so, so much to say. But there’s so little I actually should say in such a public forum. So I’m going to toe the line. I know some people (hi, Patty) are dying for a full update. And others may be mildly curious.

[though who am I fooling – most people come to my blog after searching about natural hair or afros…And I’m happy to say I LOVE my fro and just got a great cut, but this blog is not about natural hair…sorry]

Well – I have my life back. I produced my first big event for work and it went wonderfully. I hit my goal, went over budget (some items were poorly budgeted and others improperly budgeted), and feel great about it. I’m exhausted though. I have thoroughly crashed, but I’m not taking any days off till my grandfather comes to visit in a few weeks.

In other news…yes, K is still around.

Which is a surprisingly apathetic response, but short of standing on top of a mountain and screaming about how I have found the nicest, realest, kindest, funnest, happiest, everything-est man on the face of the earth, I can’t really do how I feel justice. I feel so comfortable and so happy with him.

And only a little bit scared.

And everyday, I get a little better about quieting the scared part. I get a little more open to making plans more than a month out. I feel a little more ready for this. A little more. Not a lot more. I’m still…well…terrified. I’m trying to let go and let God and just be present. But this is dragging me, all but kicking and screaming, away from everything I ever knew and challenging pretty much every idea I had about life and love and relationships. I really need to just take some sit down time and meditate/pray on this. It’s pretty undeniable what I feel, but it’s so freaking scary….and by scary (which is a cop-out inadequate word for it), I mean it’s refreshing and liberating and new. And it’s so new that I don’t know how to handle it. Which is scary.

Beyond that – I’m excited for the election. I’m refusing to think about what could happen if Obama doesn’t win. He will win. I’ve got some other posts I need to make in regards to some of the issues on the CA ballot – those will be posted soon.

That’s it for now. I promise, I’m back from the wilderness and I’ll be posting more often.

All I can say is...

It's been a month.

So, K is a little weirded out by the fact that I have a blog and could potentially be leaking all kinds of information about our personal life out to the world. And since he doesn't want the link he doesn't know that I really don't share that much. So out of respect for him, this will be the last post that talks about him and/or us for a while - so until something major happens or I feel hugely compelled to write.

But I have to share that it's been a month. A whole month. An ENTIRE MONTH of dating K. And it's pretty great. I like being around him. He's sweet and kind and funny and smart and tells me that I'm great. We're still facing the "challenge" of race. I'm still a wee bit paranoid that people are staring. We've stopped discussing the challenge of having to tell his parents eventually, but it's there. And definitely gives me pause before I get "in too deep." He's close to his family and depending on ho hard of a time they gave him about it, I don't want my heart trampled if they don't like me or me being black.

Other than that, I'm just glad to finally be gaining some insight into being in a relationship and figuring myself out. As much as there's a part of me who doesn't want to get too far into it and really resents the fact that I could be dating him for a while and nothing could come of it, I'm starting to see the value in "recreational dating." Yes, I like having someone who tells me I'm great and gives me the most amazing adoring looks. But, I also am learning about me and what I want and how to pick my battles in a way I never did in other relationships. We've had small (miniscule) disagreements over tiny (teensy) things, and I'm figuring out what matters and how to say it and how to just be. And how to read into what he's not saying vs what he is.

But that's it - for now.

Seriously?

So I saw the Old Man on Tuesday. The 40-year old guy I was sleeping with earlier this year who ditched me then defriended me...I saw him Tuesday at a yelp event. I looked pretty good - my hair wasn' great by the time he said hi, but it looked good when we waved at each other from across the room early in the evening.

So he sends me a PM saying "it was great to see you at Butterfly". After giving it 24 hours...cause I'm to busy to reply immediately, I was going to reply. Except I'm blocked from sending him messages. Why is he so weird? More importantly why do I care?

Rubbing off on me

Suddenly - all the things I thought I didn't want:
Husband
Kids
A House
Stability
Happily Ever After

I want. DESPERATELY. All that sappy romantic dribble.

Yes. My biological clock has clicked on.

Too bad I need to hit the snooze button.

But I think it's being around all these happy, stable couples and seeing that that's actually possible. Sheesh - Californians have been a terrible influence on me