So...

So I finally got a new job. And since this job is a little more public, I can't say where it is. But if you actually really truly know me...you know.

I'm quite excited. I start in a week. On balance, it's been nice here where I am for the last 2 years. Was it exactly what I wanted? No. But what job is. Until recently, I could tolerate it. And had some of the issues of the last few weeks not come up, I probably wouldn't be as thrilled as I am to be leaving. I'd be happy, but with out the immense feeling of relief to be peacing out.

In the meantime, I have one last tradeshow to execute here. Good times. It's a big one and the WHOLE office is going. Fun!

Where I've been...

I know - it's been a while. It's been so long that I've had phone calls and emails checking to make sure that I didn't check out, get kidnapped, or change jobs.

Nope - none of the above. I've just been busy. And distracted. And didn't have anything new to say. But since I need to keep my 3 readers happy, here's an update:

1) I'm almost, not quite, just about, very nearly over the enigma. And the old man. I'm happy to report that I've reduced thinking of them down to once every other week or so. It's pretty much been out of sight and most of the time out of mind.

1a) I've replaced the enigma and the old man with the figment...of my imagination. I met him on Craigslist (yes, I know) and after a couple really long emails, we started talking on the phone and texting. Now, it's been darn near 2 months. We haven't met but talk nearly every day. Dr. B. says it's ok, as long as I don't let this stand of the way of forming an actual, real, live relationship. In the meantime, all is well. He's nice and smart and funny. I really like talking to him. But only exists over the phone.

2) Somethings that have been moving frustratingly slow may be picking up the pace a little bit. I'm hoping that I'll be able to report back with out having to speak in code soon.

3) I joined a church. I like it. The people are nice. I feel good about it.

4) I've been baking. A lot. A lot a lot. Like the same amount that I knit from September to December. I've perfected cupcakes and cookies. Fun times.

That's about it. For now.

Over and Over

The universe may not play fair, but it's got one hell of a sense of humor
--Sex and the City

So last week it was the Enigma.

This week it was the old man.

I'm past exerting any effort trying to make sense of all of this. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel. How do you get over the one you were using to get over the one who used you?

Yeah, I know. I said months ago that the thing with the old man was a bad idea and self-destructive.

I know.

I know.

I know I knew.

Between me knowing and the almost a year I've had to sort out my feelings toward he Enigma, I had enough knowledge of the situation for this to not to be a surprise.

So why am I surprised?

And hurt? Why am I crying over the one that was supposed to be fun? Why have I spent hours moping and listening to every possible heart broken-man hating song out there?

All of this makes me annoyed by my evident stupidity. Yes, stupidity. Okay...I'll be nice to myself and say that I am annoyed by my willingness to disregard consequences.

Which really is stupid.

And in the hours of crying and moping and listening to broken-hearted-man-hating music, I have become increasingly frustrated. I want to turn the page or change the song or whatever metaphor - and it's NOT happening. It's like - a new page but the SAME chapter or yet another remix of the SAME song. Over and Over and OVER again...the same things. Bad decisions. Bad men. Bad decisions about bad men.

And the debilitating thing - the thing that makes the frustration so painful is that I'm powerless to so much of this. Yeah - the current situation...all my fault. I totally accept responsibility and realize the impact of my bad decisions and disregard for the known consequences. But the fact that I'm STILL being passed over by dozens of guys on Match and eHarmony and that the only guys I meet in real life are losers or weirdos...or both, makes me freeze from weakness.

I hate admitting that there's no magic formula for fixing this. I just want to hear that if I...I don't know...

I really don't know. I have the hair. I have the ass. I'm not bad looking (am I?). But none of that seems to mean anything. So it's just over and over, looking down this dark tunnel of...well...nothing.

And I thought I was the point of no hope. I thought I had given up and given in to the lack of control. But I think there's still a ways to go. I'm still searching in the dark thinking that there's going to be some sort of light on the other side of this dark tunnel of nothing.

I still believe that there's something I can do

And I'm gonna keep trying to do it. Cause as Lenny Kravitz said...it ain't over till it's over.

So Over

So on Saturday, I found out that the Enigma has a "kinda maybe girlfriend" whome he wanted to invite to my birthday party.

I recommended that he and she find something else to do.

A nice jump from the 980 overpass maybe?

Actually no -

well, yes.

It would be a cliche for me to say that I want him to feel like I do. But I really just want him gone, then I could mourn and move on. But instead I've been trappeed in this daily wondering of when he was going to realize how great I am. Now, I wonder if am I not great at all?

So I've been throwing myself into the whole dating thing. Nothing. Dr B swears this is all worth it. That going through the rejection is balanced by how great finding your mate is. I'm personally so over the process. I'm going to be sad and lonely because I'm apparently innately repulsive to men of all ilk but I'd rather start accepting that fact than to continue to try to meet someone and be rejected by every other loser on every dating site imaginable.

And the shitty thing is that this time last year, I was in my happy little bubble, having just met a great guy, and thinkign that I was finally getting what the rest of the world seems to have. Who was I kidding? The happy world and future I had painted in my head was as fake as whatever it was he seemed to feel for me. And I don't know what's worse - the fact that that fantasy is officially gone or that he is.

So much for my happy ending?

My friend and loyal reader Patricia and I have had this one conversation over and over again.

The gist of it is: The jobs you have in your 20s are kinda disappointing. And the men are worse.

That's not to say that either are necessarily bad. Though there are plenty of bad guys out there, and I know my fair share. But neither are what we wanted and expected during the dreamy days of undergrad.

Had you asked Patty or I where we expected to be now - 3 years after graduation - in May 2005, we both would have had these grandiose plans for our careers and love lives and lives in general. If you asked me now to put any sort of prediction on the next 3 years, my view is much tamer. I won't be running anything. I'll probably still be single. Bills will come every month. I'll pay them and try to extract some fabulosity from what's left.

Bleak, right?

So it's interesting that in a recent issue of The Atlantic Monthly, the topic of "settling" is brought up and recommended. The author says:

My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics. Because if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go. Based on my observations, in fact, settling will probably make you happier in the long run, since many of those who marry with great expectations become more disillusioned with each passing year. (It’s hard to maintain that level of zing when the conversation morphs into discussions about who’s changing the diapers or balancing the checkbook.)

Obviously, I wasn’t always an advocate of settling. In fact, it took not settling to make me realize that settling is the better option, and even though settling is a rampant phenomenon, talking about it in a positive light makes people profoundly uncomfortable. Whenever I make the case for settling, people look at me with creased brows of disapproval or frowns of disappointment, the way a child might look at an older sibling who just informed her that Jerry’s Kids aren’t going to walk, even if you send them money. It’s not only politically incorrect to get behind settling, it’s downright un-American. Our culture tells us to keep our eyes on the prize (while our mothers, who know better, tell us not to be so picky), and the theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is—look at the divorce rate) permeates our collective mentality.

Even situation comedies, starting in the 1970s with The Mary Tyler Moore Show and going all the way to Friends, feature endearing single women in the dating trenches, and there’s supposed to be something romantic and even heroic about their search for true love. Of course, the crucial difference is that, whereas the earlier series begins after Mary has been jilted by her fiancé, the more modern-day Friends opens as Rachel Green leaves her nice-guy orthodontist fiancé at the altar simply because she isn’t feeling it. But either way, in episode after episode, as both women continue to be unlucky in love, settling starts to look pretty darn appealing. Mary is supposed to be contentedly independent and fulfilled by her newsroom family, but in fact her life seems lonely. Are we to assume that at the end of the series, Mary, by then in her late 30s, found her soul mate after the lights in the newsroom went out and her work family was disbanded? If her experience was anything like mine or that of my single friends, it’s unlikely.

And while Rachel and her supposed soul mate, Ross, finally get together (for the umpteenth time) in the finale of Friends, do we feel confident that she’ll be happier with Ross than she would have been had she settled down with Barry, the orthodontist, 10 years earlier? She and Ross have passion but have never had long-term stability, and the fireworks she experiences with him but not with Barry might actually turn out to be a liability, given how many times their relationship has already gone up in flames. It’s equally questionable whether Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw, who cheated on her kindhearted and generous boyfriend, Aidan, only to end up with the more exciting but self-absorbed Mr. Big, will be better off in the framework of marriage and family. (Some time after the breakup, when Carrie ran into Aidan on the street, he was carrying his infant in a Baby Björn. Can anyone imagine Mr. Big walking around with a Björn?)

When we’re holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion. Madame Bovary might not see it that way, but if she’d remained single, I’ll bet she would have been even more depressed than she was while living with her tedious but caring husband.

I don't know what's more depressing to read - that passage or any of the multitudes of statistics on how I'm going to be a single, lonely, baren, old black woman simply because I'm educated and employed.

All this came up today cause I recently went on a bland date. Bland like butter pecan, not like vanilla. There's the potential for more excitement, but generally safe and predictable. Now, the me before reading this bleak article would have probably ended it after the first phone call. The me after reading this article thinks bland could be good.

But the idea of giving up the idea of happily ever after just feels wrong. Patty and I weren't raised that way. We were raised to believe that having it all was possible. That's what the world told us. So now, it is coming as quite a shock that the world doesn't want to deliver on that promise.

Somehow, I think it's going to take more than an article to shake our deep-seated beliefs in happily ever after. I anticipate that she and I will have that conversation many many many many more times.

Every other day...

In 2008, so far, there has been a person killed every other day in Oakland, California.

21 people total.

8 in the last week.

This is in a city with an underfunded police force, an underfunded school system, and a community that is overstretched to respond and make the best of a worsening situation.

I wish I could just write an impassioned blog entry and make it all better, but that won't change the way life is lived in Oakland or other cities throughout the US and around the world. Baltimore, MD is at 16 murders this year. 7 as of mid-January in San Francisco. 9 in Boston.

That's more than 50 dead just in 4 cities. If we extrapolate a murder rate of 10-13 in each of America's 25 largest cities, that's 250-325 people killed in 44 days. 7 people are dying daily in the US using that estimate. Don't get me started on what scaling those numbers among the 100 largest cities would mean.

Because it would mean, quite honestly, that we're in the middle of a genocide in the US. If you're poor and probably not white and you live in a large city, your life is expendable with not but some outraged people screaming at the top of their lungs to save you. It means that while there's many people who want to help, your plight is an excuse of the (often over-)educated (mostly white) elite to judge you with disdain and horror, choosing to flee some cities all together and moving to the "good" parts of others. It's not until the senseless violence intrudes into their lives (see the shooting of Chris Rodriguez by a stray bullet in Oakland for an example), that the reality of life for people around them truly sets in.

But it's time to starting calling it what it really is...and facing the reality that it will probably get worse before it has any hope of getting better. And it's time for all of us to stop sitting idly by and letting it happen. Mentor, join a neighborhood alliance, patronize stores who pioneer into less popular neighborhoods, and - most importantly - hold local officials accountable for not making timely changes to the system to stop the murders.

Every other day, someone has died in Oakland. Isn't today the day to start caring?

Why I voted for Barack Obama

In the California primary election last week, I voted against new term limits and extended gambling and in support of schools, hospitals and community colleges. Most importantly, I voted for Senator Barack Obama to be the Democratic nominee and (hopefully) our next president.

I am a late comer to the Obama camp. Early in this election season (last summer), I remained uncommitted and eventually narrowed my choices to either Edwards or Obama. Both - I felt - could adequately unite our nation and fix so many of the problems facing us. As the months have pressed on and as Edwards left the race, I find myself happily supporting Barack Obama.

So why?

Rationally - I can check off that Barack Obama has a lot of the same positions as I. I'm pro-rights. The woman's right to choose. The gun owner's right to carry (after getting a license and proving that they know how to use it safely). Pro-civil rights for everyone (that includes gay rights). Pro-civil liberties (meaning, I don't want my government tracking me unnecessarily). And (most importantly) pro-constitutional rights - freedom of speech and religion and assembly...without fear of retribution.

A look at www.procon.org shows that Barack Obama supports many of those same things. Pro-Choice (choice...not pro-abortion...choice). Opposed to amending the constitution to define marriage. He has asked the current administration to take responsibility for its infractions on American's civil liberties. He has taught constitutional law.

But at the end of the day it's really an issue of trust. Our next president (and our current one) must be held to a higher level of accountability to American voters. For too long (and I'm not just talking about George W), we have allowed our elected officials to skate along...passing legislation that erodes American values and is in direct conflict with the needs of most of us.

We saw this with George HW Bush's ruining of the economy and inaction on the environment.

We saw this with Clinton's siding with the GOP on the budget, crime, welfare, FDMA, don't ask don't tell and many many many other issues.

We've seen it with very nearly everything that George W has done.

In the months since the Democrats took control of Congress, things have not gotten better. We've seen judges move through committee and the full Senate with nary a question of their biased, conservative (and sometimes down right bigoted) background. We've seen laws sit in filibuster or be changed past the point of recognition to secure passage.

Through all of this, we as Americans have become complacent. I would venture to say that we are fearful to demand more of our elected officials. But for me, Barack Obama represents that "more." I see in him the aptitude to provide the leadership needed so that we are no longer governed by compromises that serve only a few, but by real actions. I see in him the power to transform and the ability to challenge.

Hilary Clinton has "experience." She has spent 7 years in the Senate, carefully calculating her moves so as to remain "electable." She has been increasingly centrist. Like her husband, she has buddied up to the GOP, going along to get along. The experience we, as Americans, have with this type of presidency is a promise of 4-8 years of either stalemate or bad compromises. We don't need that kind of experience again. We need new eyes and a new vision and a commitment to positive change.

I've said a lot - so let me summarize. Barack Obama stands for much of what I believe. His experience shows that he is in support of most of my key issues - abortion, gay rights, civil liberties. His potential tells me that he will be a president who will lead through decisive action, inspiration, and accountability. We can ill afford another day with the government we have had for the past 19 years...a government that is neither serving our needs nor supporting our future. We need change. We need action. We need Barack Obama.