Pardon the Interruption

Sorry I disappeared for a few weeks. The new job has me actually doing work at work. Gasp! I know, right? But I, dare I say it, like it. The work is hard, challenging, but good. It’s nice to be someplace where I am valued and what I’m doing is valuable to people. Never underestimate the value of work that matters.

I’ve got a couple new post ideas in my head – as soon as I have time to write, they’ll be online.

Brilliant and Fabulous...in PRINT

I've made it into my neighborhood newspaper. Hooray for me! Woohoo!

Seriously - I wrote this mostly in response to some round about arguing on the neighborhood association listserv, and an edited version made it into the paper. You can get a hard copy at local businesses along MacArthur Blvd.

We Are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For: Our Response to Crime in Our City

There is nothing new about crime and violence in the city of Oakland. We live in a city with an underfunded police force, an underfunded school system, and an overstretched social network that can't reach everyone who needs it. The challenge falls to us, the residents, to find a solution and build a better, safer city.

Lately, the crime seems like drug-resistant bacteria immune to the past cures. But both the cure and the preventive measure are already inside the neighborhood. We simply need to take advantage of it by building our community.'

In the Laurel District, where I live, we are often vulnerable to some crimes because we are away from our homes so much of the time, creating an opportunity for criminals to act. There aren't enough residents out—walking, gardening, and even driving around—to keep them at bay. And because we're so often not at home, many of us don't know our neighbors—particularly the young men—and have no opportunity to keep track of who may or may not be causing trouble.'

First, we can address this by being active within the neighborhood—taking walks, tending our gardens, and patronizing our merchants—so criminals know that if anything happens it will be noticed.

Second, we must be nosy with a purpose. Pay attention to your neighbors. What kids and teens are on your street? Who are their friends? When are they around? This not only helps deter the troublemakers but also, should something ever happen to one of the kids (a lost child, an abduction, an injury, etc.), you know whom to contact.

Third, be the squeaky wheel. Don't just accept empty promises that cost officials nothing and us everything; demand (new) solutions and reject the status quo. Oakland probably won't get the police force we want for many years. We need to find alternatives that will address the problem with the resources we have.

Finally, be patient. When your doctor gives you a prescription, you are told to take the entire dose—even if your symptoms go away. Crime may fade or even get worse as we try to fight it, but we can't give up. The city will not get better if we leave.'

We can choose to live in fear and take actions that do nothing to break the cycle of violence, or we can choose to live in hope and take actions that create the better future we all want. In the words of the Hopi Elders, "We are the ones we've been waiting for."

Cat got your tongue?

"Never again must we be shy in the face of the evidence."

Bill Clinton said this in his speech when the U.S. finally got it's act together to respond to the genocide in Rwanda.

And yet, we are still being shy in the face of the evidence of genocide in Darfur, which is spreading into violence throughout Sudan and the region. We are still being shy in the face of the questionable human rights situation in China. We are still being shy in the face of our own duplicity in Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo, Haditha, and elsewhere.

Yet we are outspoken in response to crises of our own American imagination and/or creation. We are outspoken against Iran. Against Cuba. We were outspoken against Iraq. We were shy in Afghanistan until the situation forced us to act.

And that, my friends, is the name of the game. We have a history of situational shyness. The western world, anchored by the U.S., in collaboration with NATO, and using the United Nations as its mouthpiece, selectively enforces its moral authority. It throws words like "genocide," "dictator," "rule of law," "victim" and "oppressor"around with no clear definition or set of standards. We use the names of the victims of past oppression to justify action (or inaction) depending on our whim. We will say that we should not do business with Iran, and do it in the name of the same economic sanctions used against apartheid South Africa.

Think back to the years leading to World War II...especially because in the last few weeks, President Bush and Senator McCain have decided to liken diplomacy with Iran to appeasing Hitler. But the truth of the matter is that Ahmadinejad is not Hitler. He's a (questionably) democratically elected head of state who, is yet to take any action, despite his hate speech. Yet, we must remember that in the run up to World War II, the U.S. did not appease Hitler, we ignored. More importantly, though, we actively ignored the plight of the Jews. Of course now, with the guilt of the Jews we wouldn't allow into the US on our minds, we blindly protect and advocate for Israel...ignoring the worsening crisis facing the Palestinian population.

I wish we would just admit that we will only defend our interests. That certain people and countries and resources are worth protecting and others aren't. That we will be shy in the face of some innocence. That the yelling and screaming that some of us are doing is in vain. That all the yelling and screaming in the world will not make the US act against China in asking China to step up against its human rights abuses in Tibet and being committed by their business partner Sudan. That all the yelling and screaming won't change the policy that identifies Iran and Cuba as a threat, but ignores real ones. That the women oppressed in Afghanistan didn't deserve intervening force until al-Qaeada flew planes into our buildings...at that point we grew concerned for the figures in the dark burqas.

Face it...we will always be shy in the face of the evidence.

So...

So I finally got a new job. And since this job is a little more public, I can't say where it is. But if you actually really truly know me...you know.

I'm quite excited. I start in a week. On balance, it's been nice here where I am for the last 2 years. Was it exactly what I wanted? No. But what job is. Until recently, I could tolerate it. And had some of the issues of the last few weeks not come up, I probably wouldn't be as thrilled as I am to be leaving. I'd be happy, but with out the immense feeling of relief to be peacing out.

In the meantime, I have one last tradeshow to execute here. Good times. It's a big one and the WHOLE office is going. Fun!

Where I've been...

I know - it's been a while. It's been so long that I've had phone calls and emails checking to make sure that I didn't check out, get kidnapped, or change jobs.

Nope - none of the above. I've just been busy. And distracted. And didn't have anything new to say. But since I need to keep my 3 readers happy, here's an update:

1) I'm almost, not quite, just about, very nearly over the enigma. And the old man. I'm happy to report that I've reduced thinking of them down to once every other week or so. It's pretty much been out of sight and most of the time out of mind.

1a) I've replaced the enigma and the old man with the figment...of my imagination. I met him on Craigslist (yes, I know) and after a couple really long emails, we started talking on the phone and texting. Now, it's been darn near 2 months. We haven't met but talk nearly every day. Dr. B. says it's ok, as long as I don't let this stand of the way of forming an actual, real, live relationship. In the meantime, all is well. He's nice and smart and funny. I really like talking to him. But only exists over the phone.

2) Somethings that have been moving frustratingly slow may be picking up the pace a little bit. I'm hoping that I'll be able to report back with out having to speak in code soon.

3) I joined a church. I like it. The people are nice. I feel good about it.

4) I've been baking. A lot. A lot a lot. Like the same amount that I knit from September to December. I've perfected cupcakes and cookies. Fun times.

That's about it. For now.

Over and Over

The universe may not play fair, but it's got one hell of a sense of humor
--Sex and the City

So last week it was the Enigma.

This week it was the old man.

I'm past exerting any effort trying to make sense of all of this. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel. How do you get over the one you were using to get over the one who used you?

Yeah, I know. I said months ago that the thing with the old man was a bad idea and self-destructive.

I know.

I know.

I know I knew.

Between me knowing and the almost a year I've had to sort out my feelings toward he Enigma, I had enough knowledge of the situation for this to not to be a surprise.

So why am I surprised?

And hurt? Why am I crying over the one that was supposed to be fun? Why have I spent hours moping and listening to every possible heart broken-man hating song out there?

All of this makes me annoyed by my evident stupidity. Yes, stupidity. Okay...I'll be nice to myself and say that I am annoyed by my willingness to disregard consequences.

Which really is stupid.

And in the hours of crying and moping and listening to broken-hearted-man-hating music, I have become increasingly frustrated. I want to turn the page or change the song or whatever metaphor - and it's NOT happening. It's like - a new page but the SAME chapter or yet another remix of the SAME song. Over and Over and OVER again...the same things. Bad decisions. Bad men. Bad decisions about bad men.

And the debilitating thing - the thing that makes the frustration so painful is that I'm powerless to so much of this. Yeah - the current situation...all my fault. I totally accept responsibility and realize the impact of my bad decisions and disregard for the known consequences. But the fact that I'm STILL being passed over by dozens of guys on Match and eHarmony and that the only guys I meet in real life are losers or weirdos...or both, makes me freeze from weakness.

I hate admitting that there's no magic formula for fixing this. I just want to hear that if I...I don't know...

I really don't know. I have the hair. I have the ass. I'm not bad looking (am I?). But none of that seems to mean anything. So it's just over and over, looking down this dark tunnel of...well...nothing.

And I thought I was the point of no hope. I thought I had given up and given in to the lack of control. But I think there's still a ways to go. I'm still searching in the dark thinking that there's going to be some sort of light on the other side of this dark tunnel of nothing.

I still believe that there's something I can do

And I'm gonna keep trying to do it. Cause as Lenny Kravitz said...it ain't over till it's over.

So Over

So on Saturday, I found out that the Enigma has a "kinda maybe girlfriend" whome he wanted to invite to my birthday party.

I recommended that he and she find something else to do.

A nice jump from the 980 overpass maybe?

Actually no -

well, yes.

It would be a cliche for me to say that I want him to feel like I do. But I really just want him gone, then I could mourn and move on. But instead I've been trappeed in this daily wondering of when he was going to realize how great I am. Now, I wonder if am I not great at all?

So I've been throwing myself into the whole dating thing. Nothing. Dr B swears this is all worth it. That going through the rejection is balanced by how great finding your mate is. I'm personally so over the process. I'm going to be sad and lonely because I'm apparently innately repulsive to men of all ilk but I'd rather start accepting that fact than to continue to try to meet someone and be rejected by every other loser on every dating site imaginable.

And the shitty thing is that this time last year, I was in my happy little bubble, having just met a great guy, and thinkign that I was finally getting what the rest of the world seems to have. Who was I kidding? The happy world and future I had painted in my head was as fake as whatever it was he seemed to feel for me. And I don't know what's worse - the fact that that fantasy is officially gone or that he is.