Here we go again...kinda...not really

Bear with me - I know I'm probably not going to make too much sense, but I'm trying to corral my thoughts, and what better place to do that then in front of the 70-100 people who read my blog (thanks, BTW).

And so...let me just say for my own knowledge:
K (more adequate nickname to come) is not the Enigma.

K is not the Enigma.

K is not the Enigma.

...

Yeah, I keep having to remind myself of this. K is not the Enigma. K is nice. Genuinely nice. Attentive. Understanding. Cool. I want to be a better person around him. I have fun with him. He remembers things. He helps me to laugh about my completely useless - but not intentionally malicious, just lost and living in post-adolescense father. Really. Me. Laugh. Cause it's sad but it's still funny cause he's not bad, just pathetic. And K is considerate. Patient. I can lose an entire hour talking with him. And I lose this hour nearly every day. And I love it. Me. On the phone.

Yet, I feel the horrible naggy part of me saying: You thought this last time. And after the last time you said you'd be more careful and ...

Well, shut up horrible naggy part of me. This isn't the last time. This is this time.

But how do you keep all of the this times from being the last time? And if the only way to keep the this time from being the last time is to be crazy and obsessive and paranoid (yeah, I know I'm that anyway), then this time won't be too great anyway.

And so, it's making me crazy(er) because as much as I want to be open and fearless and chill and just enjoy K, I don't want to get hurt. I also don't want to spend a year mooning after an emotionally unavailable guy. And I don't want to miss out on someone great.

And so here I am. Absolutely batshit crazy(-er than usual). And without any clue what to do. The girls and the older brother recommend a state of the state conversation. You know, a what's up/are you thinking what I'm thinking coversation. My fear is that I lack the ability to articulate the fact that I pretty much like him without sounding...uhmmm...batshit crazy or obsessive or both. And I'm sure, with time, he'll learn that I am those things, but I want to give it time. Of course, I could passive agressively send him a link to this lovely blog (HA) and watch him run for the hills.

Or, I guess I could learn to live with the uncertainty. Yes, I like patterns and consistency and knowing that if I do X then Y happens. And yes, it drives me crazy that this time is this time. It may bear some resemblances to last time. But it's not last time. And it won't be next time either.

And so, all I can do is say K is not the Enigma...or the Old Man, or the loser, or the loser before that, or...and let myself see who he is. So far, I like that.