Over and Over

The universe may not play fair, but it's got one hell of a sense of humor
--Sex and the City

So last week it was the Enigma.

This week it was the old man.

I'm past exerting any effort trying to make sense of all of this. I don't know what I'm supposed to think or feel. How do you get over the one you were using to get over the one who used you?

Yeah, I know. I said months ago that the thing with the old man was a bad idea and self-destructive.

I know.

I know.

I know I knew.

Between me knowing and the almost a year I've had to sort out my feelings toward he Enigma, I had enough knowledge of the situation for this to not to be a surprise.

So why am I surprised?

And hurt? Why am I crying over the one that was supposed to be fun? Why have I spent hours moping and listening to every possible heart broken-man hating song out there?

All of this makes me annoyed by my evident stupidity. Yes, stupidity. Okay...I'll be nice to myself and say that I am annoyed by my willingness to disregard consequences.

Which really is stupid.

And in the hours of crying and moping and listening to broken-hearted-man-hating music, I have become increasingly frustrated. I want to turn the page or change the song or whatever metaphor - and it's NOT happening. It's like - a new page but the SAME chapter or yet another remix of the SAME song. Over and Over and OVER again...the same things. Bad decisions. Bad men. Bad decisions about bad men.

And the debilitating thing - the thing that makes the frustration so painful is that I'm powerless to so much of this. Yeah - the current situation...all my fault. I totally accept responsibility and realize the impact of my bad decisions and disregard for the known consequences. But the fact that I'm STILL being passed over by dozens of guys on Match and eHarmony and that the only guys I meet in real life are losers or weirdos...or both, makes me freeze from weakness.

I hate admitting that there's no magic formula for fixing this. I just want to hear that if I...I don't know...

I really don't know. I have the hair. I have the ass. I'm not bad looking (am I?). But none of that seems to mean anything. So it's just over and over, looking down this dark tunnel of...well...nothing.

And I thought I was the point of no hope. I thought I had given up and given in to the lack of control. But I think there's still a ways to go. I'm still searching in the dark thinking that there's going to be some sort of light on the other side of this dark tunnel of nothing.

I still believe that there's something I can do

And I'm gonna keep trying to do it. Cause as Lenny Kravitz said...it ain't over till it's over.

So Over

So on Saturday, I found out that the Enigma has a "kinda maybe girlfriend" whome he wanted to invite to my birthday party.

I recommended that he and she find something else to do.

A nice jump from the 980 overpass maybe?

Actually no -

well, yes.

It would be a cliche for me to say that I want him to feel like I do. But I really just want him gone, then I could mourn and move on. But instead I've been trappeed in this daily wondering of when he was going to realize how great I am. Now, I wonder if am I not great at all?

So I've been throwing myself into the whole dating thing. Nothing. Dr B swears this is all worth it. That going through the rejection is balanced by how great finding your mate is. I'm personally so over the process. I'm going to be sad and lonely because I'm apparently innately repulsive to men of all ilk but I'd rather start accepting that fact than to continue to try to meet someone and be rejected by every other loser on every dating site imaginable.

And the shitty thing is that this time last year, I was in my happy little bubble, having just met a great guy, and thinkign that I was finally getting what the rest of the world seems to have. Who was I kidding? The happy world and future I had painted in my head was as fake as whatever it was he seemed to feel for me. And I don't know what's worse - the fact that that fantasy is officially gone or that he is.