All I can say is...

It's been a month.

So, K is a little weirded out by the fact that I have a blog and could potentially be leaking all kinds of information about our personal life out to the world. And since he doesn't want the link he doesn't know that I really don't share that much. So out of respect for him, this will be the last post that talks about him and/or us for a while - so until something major happens or I feel hugely compelled to write.

But I have to share that it's been a month. A whole month. An ENTIRE MONTH of dating K. And it's pretty great. I like being around him. He's sweet and kind and funny and smart and tells me that I'm great. We're still facing the "challenge" of race. I'm still a wee bit paranoid that people are staring. We've stopped discussing the challenge of having to tell his parents eventually, but it's there. And definitely gives me pause before I get "in too deep." He's close to his family and depending on ho hard of a time they gave him about it, I don't want my heart trampled if they don't like me or me being black.

Other than that, I'm just glad to finally be gaining some insight into being in a relationship and figuring myself out. As much as there's a part of me who doesn't want to get too far into it and really resents the fact that I could be dating him for a while and nothing could come of it, I'm starting to see the value in "recreational dating." Yes, I like having someone who tells me I'm great and gives me the most amazing adoring looks. But, I also am learning about me and what I want and how to pick my battles in a way I never did in other relationships. We've had small (miniscule) disagreements over tiny (teensy) things, and I'm figuring out what matters and how to say it and how to just be. And how to read into what he's not saying vs what he is.

But that's it - for now.

Seriously?

So I saw the Old Man on Tuesday. The 40-year old guy I was sleeping with earlier this year who ditched me then defriended me...I saw him Tuesday at a yelp event. I looked pretty good - my hair wasn' great by the time he said hi, but it looked good when we waved at each other from across the room early in the evening.

So he sends me a PM saying "it was great to see you at Butterfly". After giving it 24 hours...cause I'm to busy to reply immediately, I was going to reply. Except I'm blocked from sending him messages. Why is he so weird? More importantly why do I care?

Rubbing off on me

Suddenly - all the things I thought I didn't want:
Husband
Kids
A House
Stability
Happily Ever After

I want. DESPERATELY. All that sappy romantic dribble.

Yes. My biological clock has clicked on.

Too bad I need to hit the snooze button.

But I think it's being around all these happy, stable couples and seeing that that's actually possible. Sheesh - Californians have been a terrible influence on me

Society's continued assault on black women

Maybe it's an assault on women in general.

But I'm focusing on me.

A black woman. A black woman who definitely has to put on some armor before facing whatever it is that the world has in store for me on a given day.

And is tired of it. And frightened by what it's doing to our younger girls.

The granddaughter of a family friend came to visit last weekend. Her grandmother wanted to introduce her to my world and show the benefits of not giving into what seems to be expected of our young black girls: sexual promiscuity, low self esteem, being unhealthy, not being smart, not being successful, not being whatever it is that she wants to be.

I was, of course, flattered, nervous, and intimidated by her visit. I've heard good reports from her mother and grandmother about some positive changes. YAY! But I have to say I learned so much from her too. Mostly that I'm SO glad I went to high school 7-10 years ago. The things she was telling me - the peer pressure around sex and dating and academic success (or lack there of) saddened me. I'm terrified that there's a whole generation of black girls growing up who think that the entirety of their value lies between their legs and that being smart and confident is unnecessary. There's also a generation of black boys who think that their value lies in acquiring notches on their bed post and who have been told that they don't need to respect women. She has more "Ay, Shawty" stories than I do and she's 10 years younger than I. On one hand, I'm sure she'll be street wise enough to ignore guys she doesn't meet indoors, but what type of world is it where you have to be wary of everyone who approaches you. And the kicker. The piece de resistance is that she has classmates who made a "hit it before summer" list. Yes...a list of the girls they wanted to do before summer. And they're FRESHMEN. In HIGH SCHOOL.



Maybe (just maybe) I grew up in a box. Actually, not only was I a virign when I got to college, but I'd also never been kissed. Yeah, ok, maybe part of that was because no one was paying me any attention, but it was also SO far from my mind. I was so focused on getting the heck out of Indiana and succeeding, that I wasn't thinking about boys and sex, I knew that that would get in the way of my actual goals. So the idea that 9th graders are that scheming and deliberate about something that is so "outside their maturity level"[1] frightens me.

And it makes me wonder why. So I asked her. I had always been a defender of "the media" and of multinational corporations. No more. Apparently that is a driving force. Apparently all of the hyper-sexualized images that are bombarding our kids are seeping in. I know...wonder of all wonders, right? But really. She says it does.

Whoa.

Nevertheless - that was all backstory for the rant of the day. I'm checking my favorite blogs, and I see this:

Yes. It's my favorite celebrity, Beyoncé, showing off the great photoshop job that L'Oreal did. L'Oreal swears that's her real skin tone. Sure. I've never liked Beyonce for a NUMBER of reasons - mostly because I'm thoroughly convinced that she's cheap and talentless. But in all fairness, if she was white I'd have no problem with it (see example 1: Jessica Simpson or 2: Britney Spears). They're good at what they're good at but they're not exactly beacons of anything great. But this is taking it a little far. Really? Do you really have to take a light-skinned black girl and make her lighter? On top of the blond? Really? REALLY? But apparently she's just been lightening a little bit on her own.

This is only weeks after Young Berg's Brown Bottom-gate issues. If you didn't hear about it, consider yourself lucky. But basically one of the latest mediocre rappers said that he doesnt like dark skinned girls (brown bottoms) and likes to issue a swimming pool test (aka likes girls with "wash n wear" hair - meaning no naps). And this bozo is still getting air time and probably still getting laid by some poor little girl with light skin but no self respect.

And where does it stop? At what point do we say, enough is enough? At what point does it stop being cool to simultaneously erode the sexuality of black women by rarely showing us as standards of beauty while placing all emphasis on not our beauty, but our supposed sexual prowess? It makes me dizzy. What kind of women are these girls going to grow up to be? Not the kind of women I want to be sharing the workforce (or the world) with.

So this is war. I'm investigating lyrics and taking all rumors of mysogyny as fact. I never used L'Oreal (or any of it's syster brands, including Lancome) and I'm not going to start now. I'm not listening to the music, watching the movies, or buying the products anymore. Let's just call it a new wave of black feminism that demands that society, "the media", multinational corporations and EVERY ONE ELSE, stop using our music, our faces, our men, and each other to tear us down.

So who's with me?

On Faith and Forgiveness

I alluded to this post a while ago, but I’m finally writing it now. My pastor has been really hitting faith hard as a topic lately. It’s been great for me because I needed it. Correction: I need it.

So, Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) says: “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see.” My pastor has really focused on this verse – several times. Looking at the first half, he emphasized that you may feel like you’re having a crisis of faith, but you’re really having a crisis of hope…that at some point, you’ve lost it or stopped hoping.

Yeah

Whoa, right? That’s part of the reason I love this church, I feel like some of the sermons are written just for me. I realized when he said that that I’d stopped even hoping for anything. I ‘d stopped using the gift of my faith, because my hope was gone.

The second half means knowing that what I don’t see is already there. Superficially – a healthier, fitter body is already inside me. So is financial security. And happiness and lots of things. Another verse says that Faith is the title deed (or ownership) of what I will soon have.

Another verse that pastor has used in this series is Mark 11:23-26. “Truly I tell you, if you say to this mountain, ‘go, throw yourself into the sea,’ and do not doubt in your heart but believe that what you say will happen, it will be done for you. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against another, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven can forgive you your sins”

The first 3 times he covered these verses, he didn’t include 26 – the bit about forgiveness, but when he did something just clicked that so many of my prayers were being stunted by my inability to forgive…that I was holding so much against my father, step father the enigma, the old man, other guys, other people…that I had now space in my mind for the hope and belief that what I was asking for would come. Not only that, but it allowed me easy excuses for failing and was taking glory away from God. I should be praising him for getting me through college – instead, I’m sitting here thinking it was me doing it “in spite of” my father’s lack of support. And there were many other areas where this was the case.

So, a few weeks ago, I prayed for Got to help me forgive and to forgive me. And I swear – it’s all be lifted. I think about some of it. I’m still hurt by my stepfather and my father’s general uselessness, but God is my true father – so what does that matter? I still resent the Enigma and Old man for using me – but I allowed it. And forgive them.

And now – so much that I’ve been acting in faith for is happening. I had asked for faith to get healthier, And the faith to sustain hope in positive relationships. And while I’m still getting used to acting in faith and in expectation – so eating healthier and working out...I’m getting there. It’s not an issue anymore. I want to workout. I want to be around people who add things to my life, and I want to add to others’ lives.

Being in a state of forgiveness and faith has just opened up my heart and mind and spirit for so much more. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I’m now open to being in a relationship with K. Heck – I’ve even had the chance to be more of a sister to my half-brother…and I hope to eventually build a stronger relationship with him. And I expect it to happen.

My pastor preached on getting ready for New Experiences today – and the more I hear and learn and read, the more I’m excited and expecting these new experiences and how great they’ll be.