A lot can change...

...In just a few hours.

So I did not feel well yesterday. Actually I felt better than I did Thursday evening, but I wasn't 100%. Nevertheless, there was a Yelp DYL (Destroy Your Liver - happy hour) in Oakland - which are few and far between. I replied on the event thread that I prob wouldn't make it because I was grouchy and felt icky and wanted to be a hermit. Well Tina (one of my favorites) wasn't having that and said that I had to come because she missed me. So I went.

And had a BLAST.

It was at the Congo Room in Rockridge. The night started with a few drinks with the rowdy yelpers. Then the bar was taken over by a birthday party. Early in the party, a tall, (very) dark, and handsome (and well-dressed...hello! my favorite type) man walked in - but he couldn't really see me because I was mixed in with my group and he was with his. I made the right moves to be kinda noticed - but nothing. Finally...Lise's husband (my new dating guru) and Tina's man said that it would be perfectly acceptable for me to buy this guy a drink. So I bought my drink and asked the bartender if she knew what he was drinking - she did - so I bought it, took it over, said hi, and walked away. A few minutes later, he waved me over and said: Thanks, but you can't bring a drink over and then walk away. So we talked. He's pretty nice. Great looking. Later we danced a little, went back to our respective groups then danced more later. He has my number... but you know what - it was enough just to kinda test out being brazen.

So moral of the story - when you have nothing to lose...you may have something to gain. Or something like that. I'm still a wee bit hungover.

This week in review

Wow - another unspectacular week. If you wanted to know how I'm doing - a little better. A little.

Why?

1. The friend that stood me up is now ignoring me. I don't get it. It's her malfunction, not mine, but hurts all the same

2. Had a nice first meeting with the Yelper book club Lust For kNowledge

3. I'm slightly freaked out for reasons I don't feel like sharing with the whole wide world. But I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.

4. I bought some fun yarn this week. Noro - I've never worked with it before, but I found a fun and interesting pattern that calls for it.

5. Earned some bonus points with my writing at work this week - that's always good.

6. I found out that the support group that was really working for me is going to be disbanded in 2 weeks

See - unspectacular. Not amazingly good or bad. But I have to have to have to get out of my funk over this weekend. It is non-negotiable. I have plans to go to a nice wine tasting hosted by Yelp for the Elite members on Monday and then Wednesday night I leave for what should be a fun weekend in Chicago. I don't have the time or the energy or the liberty to be all funked out.

No one tells you...

No one tells you that when you pack up all your shit and move across country to a city where you don't know anyone that you may end up living there for a year and still not have any reliable friends. They don't tell you that you will be unable to make any fun plans - even a few days ahead - because you never know what will happen.

My friend/co-worker Ann flaked on going to the Giants game tonight. I've been wanting to go to a game all season but had been unable to find anyone to go with me. This being the last week of the season (the Giants suck and will not being going to the playoffs), she agreed on Wednesday to go. I put 2 view reserved tickets over the 3rd base line on my debit card and have been so excited about it. Then it rained today. It's just supposed to be cold and foggy today (when isn't it), but she doesn't want to go. I texted my one other friend - nope, he doesn't either.

I've never had tons of friends. I'm too introverted and untrusting for that. I've always had my few close friends - wherever I am - and that's it. That's always been enough. Just 5 or 6 people who I could generally count on to keep me entertained and in good company whenever I was feeling like it. Which really isn't all that often. I've tried here. Joined things. Gone to random happy hours. Genuinely made an effort to be social and friendly - to build a network. For nothing. For a year later to be sitting here with $60 of tickets and no one to go with.

It wasn't always perfect in DC. Lord knows I had more than my share of lonely days. But let's face it - they were more than likely my own fault...the result of enjoying being isolated and being terrified that if I didn't inflict my own isolation, I may be isolated by the rest of the world anyway because why would anyone actually want to be in my company, right?

And so now - despite my efforts and good intentions - I'm still alone. The horrible negative voice in my head - the one I have worked so hard this year to shut off...regardless of everything that has happened - is having it's own little celebratory party. Reminding me of all the reasons why I don't have friends. Reminding me why it's not worth it to even try. It was so much easier to be lonely when I didn't want or need anything else. But now, really? What is the point? For whatever reason - I just don't have what everyone else has or gets or whatever. I don't know how they do it. How do they get friends? How do other peoeple get to be so happy with their lives?

This is what no one tells you. That the world isn't fair. That some people will get happily ever after. And some of us will get shit. That no matter what you can't change what group you're in. And that when you think you have, when you've worked your ass off and try your hardest, you're still not going to change your fate.

I think I picked the wrong career

I really thinking I was supposed to be a teacher - specifically an algebra teacher. Not to sound braggy, but I have a gift for explaining algebra and I like it and I like seeing when a kid gets it. Granted I'm only 3 weeks into tutoring, but it's going very well - I had a repeat student yesterday from last week and was able to explain a concept to another student that the other tutor and the student's mom couldn't. Yay!

But there's not much I can do about it. Until I find a rich husband who can help pay for my student loans, I can't just throw away my B.S.B.A. and go back to school for teaching credentials. How was I supposed to know what my gifts were at age 20? How am I supposed to know, now, what my gifts are? I'm good at what I do. I enjoy it. it's not completely horrible or great, but I don't dread going to work the way I did in past positions. But how do I know if this is what I'm supposed to do?

Brilliant and Fabulous Recipe - Shrimp Veracruz

I just realized that I could share something brilliant and fabulous this week...a recipe!

My friend and coworker Ann is always teasing me about how I cook. So does my mom. I just don't want to fall into the idea of being the quintessential single woman eating light popcorn, Lean Cuisine and Haagen-Dazs for dinner. Not that I don't have popcorn (and wine) for dinner. Occasionally. But most of the time I like to have real food and a nice home-cooked meal.

That said - I'm always on the hunt for easy, quick, made for 1 or 2 meals. The website Yumsugar almost always delivers. Having met Ms. Yumsugar herself, I know that she's also young, brilliant, fabulous, and busy (she's a fellow Yelper). I found this recipe a few months ago and it's totally part of my repertoire/rotation because it's yummy, quick, and can be made with ingredients I almost always have on hand.

Fire Roasted Tomato-Shrimp Veracruz
From Oprah

1 tbsp. olive oil
1 pound medium raw shrimp, shelled and deveined, tails removed (if desired)
4 medium green onions, sliced (about 1/4 cup)
1 medium fresh jalapeño or serrano chile, stemmed, seeded and finely chopped
1 tsp. grated orange zest
1 tsp. chopped fresh thyme leaves or 1/2 tsp. dried thyme leaves
1 14 1/2-oz. can fire-roasted diced tomatoes, undrained. (If fire-roasted tomatoes are unavailable, use regular canned diced tomatoes.)

1. In a 12-inch skillet, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat. Cook the shrimp, green onions, chile, orange zest and thyme in the oil for 1 minute, stirring frequently.
2. Stir in the tomatoes. Heat the mixture until it boils.
3. Reduce the heat; simmer, uncovered, for about 5 minutes, or until shrimp are pink and firm and sauce is slightly thickened, stirring occasionally.

Serves 4.

Nutritional information: 180 calories, 5 grams fat, 1 gram saturated fat, 172 mg of cholesterol, 400 mg sodium, 7 grams carbohydrate, 1 gram fiber, 24 grams protein

Some notes - I use Trader Joe's or Contessa brand frozen, cooked, tail off shrimp instead of raw - this does change the cooking time a little. I also almost always use regular onions (usually small walla walla onions from the farmer's market) - cause I have them on hand. I serve with whole wheat cous cous. Enjoy!

Boringest Week Ever

Um yeah, I went to a great school. ;)

But seriously, I haven't posted in nearly a week because my life is sooooo incredibly boring. Yet, I've been insanely busy. So what gives, right?

Well - in an attempt to deliver either a) something interesting or b) proof that I'm a total loser, here's the highlights of my week.

• I can leg press 450 lbs now. I love lifting weights. I hate the shocked guys who feel the need to comment on it.
  
• I finished knitting my first hat. This is the first non-scarf that I've made. I'm also working on another hat and a scarf for mom.
• I drank 3 mimosas (they were $3 each) for no reason on Sunday. I think we should all drink champagne for no reason - all the time. Then I got a manicure. I really need to find a rich husband ASAP - I wanna do this everyday...drink, get pampered. So if any of my 3 or so readers have any rich, generous (preferably black) friends...I'm cute, single, cook well and have other skills.
  
• I'm obsessed with The Wire and Weeds. Add this to Big Love and my netflix queue is filled with TV shows on DVD. Maybe I should just get cable.
• I won Will.I.Am's new cd from Popbytes because I knew the name of the deceased rapper (and his label) who discovered Will and put together the Black Eyed Peas. (Pssst...it was Eazy-E...thanks! Z for giving me that bit of useless information).
• I'm going to the Giants vs Reds game on Saturday.

See - pretty gosh darn dull. I try to do something interesting this week.

Random thoughts for today

Kinda all over the the place today - Hopefully, I'll get my mind straightened out this weekend.
In the meantime here's a slightly coherent, tangential post of pretty much unrelated topics:

1. I effing love the internets. I LOVE the internets. I have a hard time believing there was life pre-internets. Shopping, meeting people, finding things, watching television...seriously - is there anything you CAN'T do on the internet. Today's obsession - pandora.com. I know, I'm like 2 years late, but I love it. Especially since my iPod died. It totally saves me from having to listen to people at work. Not that I wouldn't want to listen to people at work. But you know - having an endless supply of music makes things nice. Besides music, I just love how a medium that had the potential to isolate us has really brought us together. Thanks to instant message an message boards, I've kept up with friends regardless of distance and met new friends.
2. I'm obsessed with knitting right now. I got like this last fall too. But now I know how to make hats. Oh yeah.
   
3. I wish I had more girl friends. I had a great talk night before last with my friend Patty. We worked together when we were both in school in DC. Then she moved back to NYC and now I'm out here. But it was just such a great talk. It would be nice if I had a friend like her to hang out with and drink wine and chill and just have fun. Not to say I don't miss my DC friends in general.
   
4. I'm enjoying tutoring. Yesterday was my second day tutoring at the Oakland libraries. I've worked with 2 different adorable young men with math. Its fun and so rewarding to help them. I wish there were more girls - so I could be more of a mentor, but this is pretty good too
5. The universe has a f*cked up sense of humor. I don't wanna go into too many details but why is it that nothing ever turns out 100% right. Things are always "great...but...". Like - you meet a great guy...but he wants to be friends. Or you meet another and there's something off about him. Or you have a great apartment but there's no kitchen. Or you move to a great place but you have no friends or... or... you know. Like seriously - is it possible to just get something good...without turning around and being bitchslapped by reality?

That's it for now. I'm sure there's more, but...


Lolcat from http://www.smoothharold.com/2007/03/how-to-drive-site-traffic-by-going.html

Adventures in Dating...an update

7 replies
4 definite nos
3 with possibility
1 first date

There won't be a second.

Touchy Subject?

I have a hard time talking to my (mostly white) friends about race issues. Sometimes I initiate the conversation, sometimes it just ends up there, sometimes they start it, but it always frustrates me.

I think it's because I already have a conflicted view of my own racial identity. Don't get me wrong. I'm black. I close enough to some relatives who "passed" to maybe play the "I've got some Indian in me" game. But I'm black. However, I grew up in a very white world. My mother was raised to not speak in vernacular - so I was, too. My diction combined with my tendencies towards classic/staid clothes and academic pursuits often end with me being asked "Do you think you're white?" Moving away from Indiana and growing up a little have allowed me to become more comfortable with who I am...but just barely.

So, talking about race issues becomes complicated for me because I feel a) that I have to speak for the whole of black America and black womanhood and b) that I don't have the right to say anything - because I'm not "black" enough. I realize that a) is impossible. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure my friends don't expect me to be their official black spokesperson. I also realize that b) isn't too realistic either - and that as a black woman, I have every right to share my experiences.

My inner conflict then blossoms into frustration because I want to call them on their views that I often feel are dismissive, naive, and simplistic. Too many discussions feel like my views - because they're predicated on race - are incorrect. Or that my friends don't really believe that it's that challenging. Or that they really think that if we close our eyes, hold hands and sing kumbiyah, we'll wipe it all away. I don't know how to explain this frustration. Or how the reality of my personal confusion makes dealing with being black and woman in America so
difficult.

Right now - I don't feel like saying anything further. It's so exhausting. Plus it makes me sad cause I'd really just like some black woman friends who I can discuss this with. So dealing with this - and my general issues just brings to front the pain of black women never liking me. I know at this point it's just self fulfilling prophecy because I avoid interactions with black women so that I don't have to endure the pain of yet more rejection.

I am not my hair - or am I?

In 2002, I cut off all my hair. ALL of it. well most of it...but I got sick of the drama of having relaxed hair and cut it off. For almost 3 years, I had a "natural" - I eventually texturized my hair, but no relaxer. Then I tried to do a more "conservative look" and relaxed it, only to have to cut it all off again because the relaxer had done so much damage.

So for the last 2 years I had a natural. Well I still have a natural - but it's under a weave.

Yep - a weave...like Beyonce, Tyra, and all of them...

My hair is longer than it's been in 20 years. And by my hair I mean the weave. I've had braids. I had braids for the last year, but decided to try something new.

I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I know - for $400 I damn well better love it. Which I do. But have I sold out? When I cut off my hair, I got a lot of questions and comments about men, particularly black men, preferring long hair. At the time I said - "I refuse to be defined by my hair"...and actually I hooked up more in that first year of short hair, than I have since (but maybe that doesn't mean much).

Now, I am, as my mom put it, the "dream look...long hair and light skin" (and yes, by the way, I've got a nice booty). I'm pretty sure I did this for me. But I'm completely sure that I'm enjoying the glances that are way more appreciative than they were with my little afro only last week. Or maybe I just notice them more.

Adventures in Dating...

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and hoping for different results. Me + craigslist = insanity. I keep saying I'm going to stop posting personals, but I don't. I'm about to post another one as soon as I think of something witty to say. I mean what does it hurt really? It's annoying, yes. And a little depressing - particularly when a guy doesn't reply after seeing my pic. Like really? You're trolling craigslist, too, stop acting like you're really something special.

I guess it really just highlights the general state of my love life. Generally I'm not impressed by anyone - and apparently no one is impressed by me either. I did meet an interesting guy at the gym last week - unfortunately he's African. And, making sweeping generalizations, African guys are chauvinistic and possessive - so that wouldn't work for me. I really don't understand, though, why it's so difficult to find a smart, interesting, ambitious, good looking black man in the Bay Area. Not that there were tons in DC, but still. They're all either in their 30s (nothing wrong with that, but they think I'm "young") or they're none of the above - they have kids, they're ugly, they're dumb as all get out (or think it's cool to seem it), they're dull, they can't hold a conversation. Sigh.

In the meantime - here's the latest example of my insanity:

SBW - Are you looking for me? - 25 (oakland hills / mills)

---

Reply to: pers-415648991@craigslist.org
Date: 1969-12-31, 4:33PM PST


Are you looking for a smart, sweet, sexy, sophisticated woman?

Well - HI!

I'm all of those...and a little more. I'm 25, live in Oakland, and have been in the Bay Area for a year. I'm not outdoorsy, but I enjoy hiking and learned how to snowboard last season. I enjoy good wine, interesting conversation, and traveling (internationally and domestic). I listen to NPR, hip hop, classic rock, experimental folk, and RnB. I love to laugh and dance and knit and shop. I have a hard time saying no and am a bit of a bleeding heart - so I volunteer with a couple organizations in Oakland. I try to spend as many hours at the gym as I do trying to find a good happy hour.

So I'm hoping you're looking for someone like me. I'm looking for someone who is smart, can make me laugh and can make me blush. I'm looking for someone who likes hiking and happy hours and hopping on a plane to wherever whenever the mood strikes. I'm allergic to drama. I don't do drugs, and you shouldn't either.

I'm hoping you'll reply to this ad with a picture and tell me something interesting about yourself. Something so interesting that I'll actually laugh out loud here at work (or maybe just get a sweet, slightly naughty smile). I'll reply back with a picture of me and hopefully we can get a good conversation going. Single black men preferred - being single and a man isn't optional.

One year later

A year ago today, I moved to Oakland. I got in. Picked up my rental truck (from Zipcar) and went to Ikea to replace my furniture.

1 year
2 apartments
1 roommate
1 cat
and lots more other stuff later.

I'm still here. In sum, I think it was a good move. I don't know if it was just the timing of the move with the other stuff, but I've definitely been stretched and have grown. That's not to say that there aren't days when I miss DC. I do. It was home. I'm also (fairly often) genuinely lonely here. I've found the odd person to hang out with and groups to join. But that's not the same as having real actual friends. I'm learning to deal with it. I think that my sudden desperation to get married is definitely heightened by being here - alone.

Beyond the loneliness, this was a good move. Like I said - I've stretched and grown. I have tried new things - like hiking and snowboarding. It's a better place career wise. And all around, it's just been good for me.

This was total prattle. It's hard to put in words the experience of moving cross country.