Society's continued assault on black women

Maybe it's an assault on women in general.

But I'm focusing on me.

A black woman. A black woman who definitely has to put on some armor before facing whatever it is that the world has in store for me on a given day.

And is tired of it. And frightened by what it's doing to our younger girls.

The granddaughter of a family friend came to visit last weekend. Her grandmother wanted to introduce her to my world and show the benefits of not giving into what seems to be expected of our young black girls: sexual promiscuity, low self esteem, being unhealthy, not being smart, not being successful, not being whatever it is that she wants to be.

I was, of course, flattered, nervous, and intimidated by her visit. I've heard good reports from her mother and grandmother about some positive changes. YAY! But I have to say I learned so much from her too. Mostly that I'm SO glad I went to high school 7-10 years ago. The things she was telling me - the peer pressure around sex and dating and academic success (or lack there of) saddened me. I'm terrified that there's a whole generation of black girls growing up who think that the entirety of their value lies between their legs and that being smart and confident is unnecessary. There's also a generation of black boys who think that their value lies in acquiring notches on their bed post and who have been told that they don't need to respect women. She has more "Ay, Shawty" stories than I do and she's 10 years younger than I. On one hand, I'm sure she'll be street wise enough to ignore guys she doesn't meet indoors, but what type of world is it where you have to be wary of everyone who approaches you. And the kicker. The piece de resistance is that she has classmates who made a "hit it before summer" list. Yes...a list of the girls they wanted to do before summer. And they're FRESHMEN. In HIGH SCHOOL.



Maybe (just maybe) I grew up in a box. Actually, not only was I a virign when I got to college, but I'd also never been kissed. Yeah, ok, maybe part of that was because no one was paying me any attention, but it was also SO far from my mind. I was so focused on getting the heck out of Indiana and succeeding, that I wasn't thinking about boys and sex, I knew that that would get in the way of my actual goals. So the idea that 9th graders are that scheming and deliberate about something that is so "outside their maturity level"[1] frightens me.

And it makes me wonder why. So I asked her. I had always been a defender of "the media" and of multinational corporations. No more. Apparently that is a driving force. Apparently all of the hyper-sexualized images that are bombarding our kids are seeping in. I know...wonder of all wonders, right? But really. She says it does.

Whoa.

Nevertheless - that was all backstory for the rant of the day. I'm checking my favorite blogs, and I see this:

Yes. It's my favorite celebrity, Beyoncé, showing off the great photoshop job that L'Oreal did. L'Oreal swears that's her real skin tone. Sure. I've never liked Beyonce for a NUMBER of reasons - mostly because I'm thoroughly convinced that she's cheap and talentless. But in all fairness, if she was white I'd have no problem with it (see example 1: Jessica Simpson or 2: Britney Spears). They're good at what they're good at but they're not exactly beacons of anything great. But this is taking it a little far. Really? Do you really have to take a light-skinned black girl and make her lighter? On top of the blond? Really? REALLY? But apparently she's just been lightening a little bit on her own.

This is only weeks after Young Berg's Brown Bottom-gate issues. If you didn't hear about it, consider yourself lucky. But basically one of the latest mediocre rappers said that he doesnt like dark skinned girls (brown bottoms) and likes to issue a swimming pool test (aka likes girls with "wash n wear" hair - meaning no naps). And this bozo is still getting air time and probably still getting laid by some poor little girl with light skin but no self respect.

And where does it stop? At what point do we say, enough is enough? At what point does it stop being cool to simultaneously erode the sexuality of black women by rarely showing us as standards of beauty while placing all emphasis on not our beauty, but our supposed sexual prowess? It makes me dizzy. What kind of women are these girls going to grow up to be? Not the kind of women I want to be sharing the workforce (or the world) with.

So this is war. I'm investigating lyrics and taking all rumors of mysogyny as fact. I never used L'Oreal (or any of it's syster brands, including Lancome) and I'm not going to start now. I'm not listening to the music, watching the movies, or buying the products anymore. Let's just call it a new wave of black feminism that demands that society, "the media", multinational corporations and EVERY ONE ELSE, stop using our music, our faces, our men, and each other to tear us down.

So who's with me?

My lack of discipline is showing

It's been a while since I updated. I'm quite possibly one of the least disciplined people in the world. There's so much I want to do and even more that I have to do - so I end up jumping from idea to idea, project to project...somethings get finished, somethings don't, and ongoing things get neglected. I want so much to be those people who get things done. But I'm not.

I know it has something to do with something. I can tell that I'm doing OK but not great. I'm still struggling with some emotions - not sure what they are (stress? anger? fear? sadness?) but I'm eating them and avoiding them. I've eaten so much crap lately. Recognizing this gets me an A for effort, but really doesn't mean anything. I did go to the store yesterday and buy (mostly) healthy stuff. I'm making a valiant effort to plan my meals and get to the gym. It's not just eating either. Until yesterday, my apartment was a disaster. Not just messy - but hazardly cluttered with stuff flung everywhere.

I've just been staying so busy - working, knitting, reading, going out. That's about it. Except I'm not just doing 1 thing at work - I'm usually doing 5. I've got 3 different knitting projects going. And I'm reading 4 books. And I don't just have 1 event to go to - I have 2 or 3 an evening. I know this is wrong. As Dr B told - you can't do more than 1 thing at a time - you can just do 1 thing and then another. I can see things starting to try their spiral, so I'm trying to hold it all together. Trying to control as much as I can. Trying... I like my 5 million projects. But I know things are suffering as a result. I may have to cool it - work on balance....finish a project or 2. Say NO to an invitation. Finish 1 book before starting another.

Thinking a bit - I realize that alot of what I have as outstanding projects or books or whatever are "commitments" to other people. I'm working on 1 scarf for myself - but all I can thinking about is finishing it so I have the needles to work on something for mom. I've got another 2 scarves for mom in the works. And I need to start this hat I promised I'd make kevin. And a ruffle scarf for Aunt Sharon. One of the books is for book club, 1 is for work, 2 are because I just felt like I had to read them. My new friends are sweet - they make it really hard to say no.
Of course it's even harder becacuse the fatalist in me is certain that the invites will stop coming - cause, you know...well I know they're not. But I keep thinking that every party, dinner out, happy hour is the last. I just need to remind myself that it's not.

Well blogger has a scheduled outage soon...I'm glad I figured this out. I can't make any promises that I can fix these things today or this week. But I guess - I have to remember - I can't do all this at once, and I can't please everybody all the time - the quality of all of it suffers...and so do I if I keep this up

No one tells you...

No one tells you that when you pack up all your shit and move across country to a city where you don't know anyone that you may end up living there for a year and still not have any reliable friends. They don't tell you that you will be unable to make any fun plans - even a few days ahead - because you never know what will happen.

My friend/co-worker Ann flaked on going to the Giants game tonight. I've been wanting to go to a game all season but had been unable to find anyone to go with me. This being the last week of the season (the Giants suck and will not being going to the playoffs), she agreed on Wednesday to go. I put 2 view reserved tickets over the 3rd base line on my debit card and have been so excited about it. Then it rained today. It's just supposed to be cold and foggy today (when isn't it), but she doesn't want to go. I texted my one other friend - nope, he doesn't either.

I've never had tons of friends. I'm too introverted and untrusting for that. I've always had my few close friends - wherever I am - and that's it. That's always been enough. Just 5 or 6 people who I could generally count on to keep me entertained and in good company whenever I was feeling like it. Which really isn't all that often. I've tried here. Joined things. Gone to random happy hours. Genuinely made an effort to be social and friendly - to build a network. For nothing. For a year later to be sitting here with $60 of tickets and no one to go with.

It wasn't always perfect in DC. Lord knows I had more than my share of lonely days. But let's face it - they were more than likely my own fault...the result of enjoying being isolated and being terrified that if I didn't inflict my own isolation, I may be isolated by the rest of the world anyway because why would anyone actually want to be in my company, right?

And so now - despite my efforts and good intentions - I'm still alone. The horrible negative voice in my head - the one I have worked so hard this year to shut off...regardless of everything that has happened - is having it's own little celebratory party. Reminding me of all the reasons why I don't have friends. Reminding me why it's not worth it to even try. It was so much easier to be lonely when I didn't want or need anything else. But now, really? What is the point? For whatever reason - I just don't have what everyone else has or gets or whatever. I don't know how they do it. How do they get friends? How do other peoeple get to be so happy with their lives?

This is what no one tells you. That the world isn't fair. That some people will get happily ever after. And some of us will get shit. That no matter what you can't change what group you're in. And that when you think you have, when you've worked your ass off and try your hardest, you're still not going to change your fate.

Touchy Subject?

I have a hard time talking to my (mostly white) friends about race issues. Sometimes I initiate the conversation, sometimes it just ends up there, sometimes they start it, but it always frustrates me.

I think it's because I already have a conflicted view of my own racial identity. Don't get me wrong. I'm black. I close enough to some relatives who "passed" to maybe play the "I've got some Indian in me" game. But I'm black. However, I grew up in a very white world. My mother was raised to not speak in vernacular - so I was, too. My diction combined with my tendencies towards classic/staid clothes and academic pursuits often end with me being asked "Do you think you're white?" Moving away from Indiana and growing up a little have allowed me to become more comfortable with who I am...but just barely.

So, talking about race issues becomes complicated for me because I feel a) that I have to speak for the whole of black America and black womanhood and b) that I don't have the right to say anything - because I'm not "black" enough. I realize that a) is impossible. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure my friends don't expect me to be their official black spokesperson. I also realize that b) isn't too realistic either - and that as a black woman, I have every right to share my experiences.

My inner conflict then blossoms into frustration because I want to call them on their views that I often feel are dismissive, naive, and simplistic. Too many discussions feel like my views - because they're predicated on race - are incorrect. Or that my friends don't really believe that it's that challenging. Or that they really think that if we close our eyes, hold hands and sing kumbiyah, we'll wipe it all away. I don't know how to explain this frustration. Or how the reality of my personal confusion makes dealing with being black and woman in America so
difficult.

Right now - I don't feel like saying anything further. It's so exhausting. Plus it makes me sad cause I'd really just like some black woman friends who I can discuss this with. So dealing with this - and my general issues just brings to front the pain of black women never liking me. I know at this point it's just self fulfilling prophecy because I avoid interactions with black women so that I don't have to endure the pain of yet more rejection.