I realize I have a tendency to compartmentalize - people, places, things, situations. Everything, everyone has a purpose and role in my life...and in my eyes, the world.
So last night when the old man asked me if I "liked" him, I was thrown. I don't need to "like" him. It serves no purpose for me to like him. It would be naive and inevitably disastrous if I "liked" him. it's just not in the realm of possibility. I think he thinks I'm sweet and naive enough to not know what's going on.
Of course, in that moment, I said yes. I wasn't in a position to say the truth...I appreciate him. The first time we slept together, I did it because the enigma had returned from Asia and seeing him for the first time in nearly 6 months was too much for me handle - and I hadn't processed through it all. On that saturday night, I needed someone to want me. I needed to feel desired. And the fact that he was able to get me to stop thinking and to focus on the physical was bonus (there's definitely something to be said about older guys). And since then, he's proven himself to be a reliable, generally weekly source of those same feelings. It's been a while since I've been called a "hot babe" or been told that my pleasure is a priority. I appreciate that. And given that like is fickle, appreciation may be better.
I want a relationship and companionship and all of that, and I'd be lying if I pretended like it was never a consideration...come on - good on paper and in be doesn't happen everyday...but I'm smarter about things now. I'm looking for the real thing, but after a week of shifting through match losers - I could actively hate the old man, and still be happy.
Anyway - back to the point. Why do I need to like him? Isn't he fine with his purpose? Why can't even something this simple make sense?
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