Holiday Summary

ummmmm - I go in reverse.

New Year's in Phoenix -
was great. Nadia and Ben are insanely nice. IU lost the game, but we still had a blast. I had a nice time at their friend's party. Talked to people, drank, that's about it.

Christmas in Chicago-
I don't know. Christmas day was good. It was calm. We chilled. I liked that. I needed that. Mom doesn't get that I feel like I need to be "on" with the family. That I need to be smart and without fault and doesn't date the wrong guys, in fact doesn't date at all until I find someone (similarly perfect) to marry. I don't know what to talk about. She's always bringing up that no one else listens to NPR and I don't expect them to. But since I do and I dont have a TV - I feel like there's nothing to talk about. I can't talk about music with the kids - I'm usually months behind. The ones who are close to my age are interested in different stuff. So I enjoyed this new holiday. She said she did but wouldn't want to do it again. I don't know

The day after Christmas, though - I apparently ruined it. We were getting dressed to go to dinner with her friend Stephanie. Marc (the boyfriend) invited himself and Stephanie's boyfriend to dinner. I said "great, Im going to be 5th wheel to 2 couples". It wasn't something that I was relishing. And I wasn't ready to spend time with the boyfriend yet. She had just been with him. This was MY time. I also commented that it felt like he called a lot on Christmas. And it just unraveled.

It's funny that she gets frustrated that I see her love/affection as a finite amount and I have some or I have none, but she does the same with the way I see things. So I can't enjoy Christmas and feel hurt that he's calling all the time. She can't be a good mother and me feel hurt or upset about things in the past.

Anyway - we spent hours talking that night and the next morning. I'm still reeling from it. I just felt like I ruin everything. I ruined her perfect christmas (which I knew I'd do - I wrote it here) and I just ruin stuff. Do I ruin my own stuff?

And I met the kids. They're kids. Which makes it easier or harder. They're kids. They like her. It would almost be better if they didn't like her or were brats. Then I would know that they wouldn't replace me. But if I'm not there and they live with her, there's no way that I wouldn't be replaced - they would be more important. I don't know how to not think this. I have a hard enough time with her having a boyfriend - much less 3 people. I don't know how to think of love as anything other than a pie. And I want the biggest piece. And if theyre more people there's less pie for me.

Other than that - it's the new year. I made the usual resolution - get healthy. A new one - meet a guy. Didn't make one I should have - get better. The friends are on my case about the old man and the other guy - to get rid of them to find someone better. I want to but...it's hard to convince myself that I deserve better than either of them. Which is just kinda me. I'm fine with this dregs. Maybe. If I was I probably would just be very on the DL about it all. Which is what kevin says to do. So I probably mention it so that I get reminded that it's wrong. I'll get it straightened out...eventually. In the meantime, I joined match. Still trying to see if its a waste o fmoney.

So that's this year, so far. Of course - there will be updates.