1 step forward, x steps back

Not doing great. Not doing horribly, but not doing great. So many things are going well, that I feel ungrateful and unsettled about the not well stuff. I'm making friends and being social and making plans and being gutsy and when I'm doing that - I'm happy. I'm being quite awesome at that stuff. And then I get home, and my apartment is a mess, and all Iwant to do is eat ice cream and I'm lonely and pathetic. And I'm doing stupid stuff - like eating ice cream and staying up too late to go to 6Am spin and having too much to do after work to cook something real or workout and being fine with a guy only wanting me for sex because at least he wants me.



And apparently knowing that I'm being stupid and self destructive doesnt make me feel any better about being stupid and self destructive. I realize that they are my decisions. And I own them. I don't regret them. I just don't like them. The ice cream is great (yay haagen-dazs). The sex was (very) nice. I'm liking having time to be social and not stress about working out. Honestly there are 2 issues here. 1 is about balance - which was one of the last conversations I had with my therapist...I like losing weight, I like working out, but how do you do that and be social. I can only lose weight when I'm working out 2-3 hours for 4-5 days a week. And I need to be able to cook and plan and grocery shop. But I can't do that when EVERY evening I have something planned. And when the plans usually involve food. The second issue is that while I have a very full life right now, it's not enough. I just feel rejected. And it's even worse because I now have these great friends so I know that it's not that I'm completely hopeless, people seem to enjoy my company. They seem to want me around, to some degree at least. But no one wants me romantically. And I want that. I feel myself turning into this bitter and cynical and sad person every day. This person who is lonely and untrusting and unbelieving. And then I take it out on everyone around me. Cause I don;t understand why they have someone and I don't. What's wrong with me?

I know what the solutions to these issues are. Better planning and well...stop doing stupid stuff. But I don't want to. Well I'll attempt at the planning, but I'm enjoying having a life. I'm also (duh) enjoying the physical intimacy. It makes me feel like at least he wants me in that way...So I think I'm going to continue being stupid for a while.