The Holidays...

...Are here.

I had a lot going on last Christmas - in many many ways - which explained why I was stressed and anxious. Now - not so much. There's really little reason for me to feel the way I do right now.

Except for my crazy brain and heart. As I said in my last post, things are going well and not so well. I don't trust the well. Mom trusts the well. Mom is in love. Mom has a new boyfriend. The new boyfriend has kids. She wants to have one big happy family. Cause she's happy. I don't trust happy. Happily ever after is a fraud.

As is the idea of happy holidays. They were always sugar coated when I was growing up. We had this beautiful house and all the gifts and the party and the matching clothes. But there was always a fight or an argument or drama in the house.

And now - after years of that conditioning, I'm supposed to accept that this new man that seems great isn't going to be a complete asshole who leads my mom into leaving me high and dry and that this holiday is going to be great. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in February. I don't want to go through the next few months waiting for the inevitable fuck up. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain.

How do I not do this? How do I not fuck up my mom's happiness? Hell - how do I not fuck up my own happiness? Now that I'm moderately better at not thinking that I'm horrible, how do I expect better from life. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to believe in happily ever after. I deserve to have a happy holiday that is filled with friends and family, not the fear that it will all become unraveled. But how? Enough has happened this year for me to not entirely trust happily ever after. And for me to be significantly uncomfortable with just telling myself: "everything is going to be ok,". Everytime I've done that. Every time I've tried to "let go" - it ended badly. I like the control, the ease of the expected negative outcome. How do people live with thinking everything is rosy knowing damn well it probably won't be?

Of course I'm thinking this as I'm doing stupid, self-destructive stuff that will only make the inevitable bad even worse. If there were weapons involved in my internal conflicts, it would be bloody