A funny thing happened...

...This weekend.


Friday, I was drained when I got home. I went to see Dr. B. for the first time since June. We played catch up with mom stuff and a little on the why-doesn't-any-one-want-to-date-my stuff. Which are both a little an issue of me being more confident that I am enough. Fabulous enough. Or just enough enough to feel secure. That I'm enough for mom to love and be fine with the space in her life that she offers me - while creating space for and with other people.

It was a lot. It's still a lot. It brings up a lot. Because it challenges everything I "know". Every inch of my personal knowledge tells me that there is a way to constantly be "better' or "more". Every experience - at least to me - points to possibility to be more. So that I'd be loved more and whatever.

So after all that Friday, I climbed in bed around 5 and ate some nachos (made with Tina's lardy chips - yum). I sent as close to a "please save me from spending the rest of the night crying" text as possible - it was something like, Wassup? I don't know. The first person to reply was Ralph. Yes, he is a little strange. But I think he's more lonely and eccentric (and maybe a little oddly socialized), but he's pleasant enough to be around. He can form complete sentences. We can share experiences of being highly educated suburbanesque black folks. I felt better once I was out and dressed. Sushi of course helped as did the wine.

Saturday was busy busy busy. And bizarre. I was drving down 580 to go to Milpitas to sort gifts for the Family Giving Tree program. As I was trying to maneuver through traffic, I looked over to see a good looking man driving a Jetta (my favorite car). We continued to exchange looks while passing each other for the next few miles. Something came over me as I was driving and I realized that I had crayons in my car. So I used the crayon to as neatly as possible write my number and held it to the window. He couldn't read it, so we eventually pulled off at an exit, exchanged numbers and names and have been texting since.

Big steps for me. Fun steps. Funny steps. But good.