Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 3

I've had a great couple of days.

My party was a great success. Pretty much everyone who said they were coming cameand more. There was enough food. I got the place clean. The guys managed to get a fire in the fire place outside. I drank ENTIRELY too much and didn't feel well for much of the day on Monday.

I have to say, my apartment looked fabulous. Here are some pictures:

Then Monday, I had the celebration dinner for the Girls, Inc fundraiser I worked on. Tuesday, I went on a date that was set up by crazyblinddate.com. It was ok - nothing special and no one I'd be dying to see again. Then I saw guy from a couple weeks ago. It's been established that he's a confirmed old (but how old? no one knows) bachelor. I think I'm fine with the direction of things. I think. Or at least most of the time I'm mostly fine with it. It was nice, again.

Last night was the Yelp Holiday party. It was fine, long lines for food and drink, but that was expected, so I was chill. It was nice meeting some people I knew only from reviews and their online personas. It was slightly disappointing, because I'd pictured some people in my head and my imagination was better than the reality. I looked great - will post pictures later.

So today, I crashed. Of course having a great couple of days meant that I was generally riding too high to remember to take my medicine. And today my mind is going like a carousel on crack. each of the horses is bouncing up and down and my mind is spinning - and I just wanna get off! If I could just slow it down. And focus on one thought at a time. But instead it's just zing zing zing. So today, I'm not fine with the direction of things. I just want someone who fucking wants ME. Doesn't want to just fuck me. Wants ME. Loves me. Of course I have overlydemanding, weird ideas about what love is. I probably couldn't handle a real relationship now if I could have one. I'm still in my deluded little world of self-sabotage.

And mom wants my thoughts on Chrristmas and she's trying so hard and I'm still crazy. I still don't know what I want from Christmas and she wants to know and wants me to meet the boyfriends kids. Oh my god - What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Do I actually have a choice?

I've been feeling like - for the last few days - there are times when I'm watching myself from outside myself. And I think: I can do this. I can be normal. I can socialize. I can be likable. I can trust people. I can like myself. I can trust myself. I can be happy. Why can't I belike that all the time. Why do I have to have days like today where I think I can't make decisions. Where I think that the decisions I make are bad. Where I think I'll be alone forever...or at least that I deserve to be alone forever because I'd ruin it otherwise.

But I can't let myself just stop and consider this. I'm seeing Dr. B next friday. Tonight I have tutoring and another crazyblinddate. Tomorrow is the Oakland Art Murmur and I'm helping with the Oaklandunwrapped.org booth. Saturday I'm mattress shopping and going to Lise's birthday party. Sunday is the yelp cookie exchange. I think I get a break next monday aund tuesday before the madness starts up again. I am going to sleep in on saturday, and try to get a hike in on sunday.