I feel like that's my life right now. There's so much going on - some I can share, some I can't. In general, I feel an interesting mix of in control and out. And the things that are out of control are more in regards to things that I want to happen but aren't yet.
So what's in control? I can say that I have developed a fair degree of assertiveness. Not completely. But I've been taking care of myself. And deciding that I want to get as much as I give. This is not meant in specific to anything in particular. But a couple situation and the way I deal with things in general. I have a feeling that some other feelings may be hurt about this - and that it may seem that I'm pulling away. But Dr. B told me months ago that part of treatment is building constructive relationships - and that some will work, some won't.
What's out of control - aha...the usual. The enigma is moving to China. Starting a business. And like a brilliant fool, I've volunteered to help with the marketing. It's a great experience, but probably not the greatest idea on my part. I can't help but to hate him at times. Sleeping with him was the first time that I didn't feel in control of my sexuality. I remember writing in my old, completely personal/private blog that that was the one time that I didn't feel like the "... kickass, third wave, feminist who is control of her sexual destiny." And that instead, I felt "...Weirdly vulnerable. Curious about where this goes from here. Scared." Not sure if it's all positive that I was scared...I don't know if it's now my general cynical, skeptical nature to question it. Months later now, I replay that night in my head and all I can think is that I got played. Either I was fooling myself then or I was fooling myself the other times when I thought I was kickass and in control, but I think majority rules. I was played. I can't blame him for it - I allowed it. But I can't help but hate him at times.
In other news - I rejoined match.com. I've met 1 guy - he's nice. We went salsa dancing last weekend. We'll see how it goes from there. It's a bit disappointing that he's the only one. It's so frustrating...I'm great. I know that, you know that, EVERYONE knows that - right? So why the hell, is there no one else finding me - online or off - and thinking that I'm great? I didn't expect to necessarily find Mr. Right online - or even Mr. Right-Now - but I did hope to go on dates, to meet people, to at least see some progress. And I still swear that if I hear: "when you stop looking..." What??? When I stop looking I'll find myself the statistical 39 year old, never married, educated, successful black woman. I am by nature a problem solver - but what do you do when you can't plug something into a spreadsheet or make up action items? I am doing everything right.
Which, quite honestly, is how I feel about so much of my life. Now and for the last few years - personally, professionally, emotionally. I am doing everything right and still so much is wrong. It's like can I get a freaking bone? Just something. For a while. That won't crash and burn.
Other stuff...can't really share. I do currently have the stomach flu - I've had it for a week. No I am not pregnant. A coworker asked me that today - yes, she is still alive - but no, I am not pregnant. That's quite the terrifying thought. But quite timely given that today is the 35th anniversary of Roe v Wade. Yay! I have to say that I am quite grateful to live in a country and a time that not only allows choice, but also allows such a range of choice. I hope not to ever have to have an abortion - and since I have access to birth control, I should never have to.
And finally, in conclusion, I recently heard from.... let's call him the one who got away version 1...I realized - I used to think about politics and the world. I may start writing about that on occasion and think about something...someone... other than myself.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Holiday Summary
ummmmm - I go in reverse.
New Year's in Phoenix -
was great. Nadia and Ben are insanely nice. IU lost the game, but we still had a blast. I had a nice time at their friend's party. Talked to people, drank, that's about it.
Christmas in Chicago-
I don't know. Christmas day was good. It was calm. We chilled. I liked that. I needed that. Mom doesn't get that I feel like I need to be "on" with the family. That I need to be smart and without fault and doesn't date the wrong guys, in fact doesn't date at all until I find someone (similarly perfect) to marry. I don't know what to talk about. She's always bringing up that no one else listens to NPR and I don't expect them to. But since I do and I dont have a TV - I feel like there's nothing to talk about. I can't talk about music with the kids - I'm usually months behind. The ones who are close to my age are interested in different stuff. So I enjoyed this new holiday. She said she did but wouldn't want to do it again. I don't know
The day after Christmas, though - I apparently ruined it. We were getting dressed to go to dinner with her friend Stephanie. Marc (the boyfriend) invited himself and Stephanie's boyfriend to dinner. I said "great, Im going to be 5th wheel to 2 couples". It wasn't something that I was relishing. And I wasn't ready to spend time with the boyfriend yet. She had just been with him. This was MY time. I also commented that it felt like he called a lot on Christmas. And it just unraveled.
It's funny that she gets frustrated that I see her love/affection as a finite amount and I have some or I have none, but she does the same with the way I see things. So I can't enjoy Christmas and feel hurt that he's calling all the time. She can't be a good mother and me feel hurt or upset about things in the past.
Anyway - we spent hours talking that night and the next morning. I'm still reeling from it. I just felt like I ruin everything. I ruined her perfect christmas (which I knew I'd do - I wrote it here) and I just ruin stuff. Do I ruin my own stuff?
And I met the kids. They're kids. Which makes it easier or harder. They're kids. They like her. It would almost be better if they didn't like her or were brats. Then I would know that they wouldn't replace me. But if I'm not there and they live with her, there's no way that I wouldn't be replaced - they would be more important. I don't know how to not think this. I have a hard enough time with her having a boyfriend - much less 3 people. I don't know how to think of love as anything other than a pie. And I want the biggest piece. And if theyre more people there's less pie for me.
Other than that - it's the new year. I made the usual resolution - get healthy. A new one - meet a guy. Didn't make one I should have - get better. The friends are on my case about the old man and the other guy - to get rid of them to find someone better. I want to but...it's hard to convince myself that I deserve better than either of them. Which is just kinda me. I'm fine with this dregs. Maybe. If I was I probably would just be very on the DL about it all. Which is what kevin says to do. So I probably mention it so that I get reminded that it's wrong. I'll get it straightened out...eventually. In the meantime, I joined match. Still trying to see if its a waste o fmoney.
So that's this year, so far. Of course - there will be updates.
New Year's in Phoenix -
was great. Nadia and Ben are insanely nice. IU lost the game, but we still had a blast. I had a nice time at their friend's party. Talked to people, drank, that's about it.
Christmas in Chicago-
I don't know. Christmas day was good. It was calm. We chilled. I liked that. I needed that. Mom doesn't get that I feel like I need to be "on" with the family. That I need to be smart and without fault and doesn't date the wrong guys, in fact doesn't date at all until I find someone (similarly perfect) to marry. I don't know what to talk about. She's always bringing up that no one else listens to NPR and I don't expect them to. But since I do and I dont have a TV - I feel like there's nothing to talk about. I can't talk about music with the kids - I'm usually months behind. The ones who are close to my age are interested in different stuff. So I enjoyed this new holiday. She said she did but wouldn't want to do it again. I don't know
The day after Christmas, though - I apparently ruined it. We were getting dressed to go to dinner with her friend Stephanie. Marc (the boyfriend) invited himself and Stephanie's boyfriend to dinner. I said "great, Im going to be 5th wheel to 2 couples". It wasn't something that I was relishing. And I wasn't ready to spend time with the boyfriend yet. She had just been with him. This was MY time. I also commented that it felt like he called a lot on Christmas. And it just unraveled.
It's funny that she gets frustrated that I see her love/affection as a finite amount and I have some or I have none, but she does the same with the way I see things. So I can't enjoy Christmas and feel hurt that he's calling all the time. She can't be a good mother and me feel hurt or upset about things in the past.
Anyway - we spent hours talking that night and the next morning. I'm still reeling from it. I just felt like I ruin everything. I ruined her perfect christmas (which I knew I'd do - I wrote it here) and I just ruin stuff. Do I ruin my own stuff?
And I met the kids. They're kids. Which makes it easier or harder. They're kids. They like her. It would almost be better if they didn't like her or were brats. Then I would know that they wouldn't replace me. But if I'm not there and they live with her, there's no way that I wouldn't be replaced - they would be more important. I don't know how to not think this. I have a hard enough time with her having a boyfriend - much less 3 people. I don't know how to think of love as anything other than a pie. And I want the biggest piece. And if theyre more people there's less pie for me.
Other than that - it's the new year. I made the usual resolution - get healthy. A new one - meet a guy. Didn't make one I should have - get better. The friends are on my case about the old man and the other guy - to get rid of them to find someone better. I want to but...it's hard to convince myself that I deserve better than either of them. Which is just kinda me. I'm fine with this dregs. Maybe. If I was I probably would just be very on the DL about it all. Which is what kevin says to do. So I probably mention it so that I get reminded that it's wrong. I'll get it straightened out...eventually. In the meantime, I joined match. Still trying to see if its a waste o fmoney.
So that's this year, so far. Of course - there will be updates.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
truly happy for you?
Two of my friends bought houses this week. I'm not sure how I feel about it...a little jealous, a little more happy, a little relieved that if someone else is following the prescribed course I can do my own thing.
I'm jealous that they have a 15% downpayment on a house and parents to makeup the difference to 20%. I keep reminding myself that when you start out even, or ahead as is largely the case here, that kind of stuff is possible. I don't want to sound like these friends don't "work" but bought my first car. I'm going to be paying for my degree forever. I don't need to think about accepting any gift from family cause anything is better than nothing.
I'm happy for them. Mostly cause their happy. And you should be happy when you're friends are happy. But I'm relieved its not me. I'm not ready for all that. I'd love to have a larger space. And hopefully soon (ok, realistically in about 10 years unless I marry REALLY well), I'll be able to afford a little condo. But the idea of being married and owning a house and having that kind of an albatross sounds kinda sucky to me. I know - I'm the very person saying I want to get married. Maybe I don't know what I want.
I'm jealous that they have a 15% downpayment on a house and parents to makeup the difference to 20%. I keep reminding myself that when you start out even, or ahead as is largely the case here, that kind of stuff is possible. I don't want to sound like these friends don't "work" but bought my first car. I'm going to be paying for my degree forever. I don't need to think about accepting any gift from family cause anything is better than nothing.
I'm happy for them. Mostly cause their happy. And you should be happy when you're friends are happy. But I'm relieved its not me. I'm not ready for all that. I'd love to have a larger space. And hopefully soon (ok, realistically in about 10 years unless I marry REALLY well), I'll be able to afford a little condo. But the idea of being married and owning a house and having that kind of an albatross sounds kinda sucky to me. I know - I'm the very person saying I want to get married. Maybe I don't know what I want.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 4
My holidays so far - by the numbers:
I am, however, exhausted. And eating poorly. And using all of this as a way to not feel or think or do.
But I'm fabulous. So it's okay, right? I'm having fun. There's no balance to my life, but I'm having fun. Does it matter? It kinda scares me when I'm not thinking about things. When I'm not planning out how to deal with stuff. The little voice in my head tells me I should be thinking harder, be more worried, more stressed. It tells me that my breakdown last week could happen again. That it could be worse. That it will be worse. Logically - the voice is probably right. But I don't have the energy to be fabulous and feel fabulous at the same time. I'd get even less sleep if I was to try to cook and clean and do all that other stuff. So I'm worried about that. I'm trying not to worry and to just go with it. But I know it's no good. I know what I need to be doing. I just need to find the time, energy, and inclination to do it. And still be fabulous
- Cookies Made: 25 dozen+ (6 Dozen Pecan Bars, 12 Dozen Macaroons, About 100 (or more) bourbon balls, 1 batch of brownies with peppermint frozting)
- Drinks had: Several glasses of wine, 5 vodka tonics, a little bourbon straight
- Trips to the grocery store: 8 (plus a couple target runs)
- Kitchen equipment purchased: 4 (1 cookie sheet, 1 9x13 pan, 1 9x9 pan, 1 mixer)
- Clothing purchased: 1 new dress + accessories, 1 pair of pants, 2 pairs of pajamas with matching slippers
- Injuries: 1 pinky closed in car door
- Miles driven: about 500
- Guys picked up in bars: 1
- Weight gained: 5 real lbs (about 15 imaginary ones due to bloat)
- Visits to the friend's house for distraction: 2
- Parties hosted: 1
- Parties attended: 3
- Parties planned to host: 2
- Breakdown days: 1
I am, however, exhausted. And eating poorly. And using all of this as a way to not feel or think or do.
But I'm fabulous. So it's okay, right? I'm having fun. There's no balance to my life, but I'm having fun. Does it matter? It kinda scares me when I'm not thinking about things. When I'm not planning out how to deal with stuff. The little voice in my head tells me I should be thinking harder, be more worried, more stressed. It tells me that my breakdown last week could happen again. That it could be worse. That it will be worse. Logically - the voice is probably right. But I don't have the energy to be fabulous and feel fabulous at the same time. I'd get even less sleep if I was to try to cook and clean and do all that other stuff. So I'm worried about that. I'm trying not to worry and to just go with it. But I know it's no good. I know what I need to be doing. I just need to find the time, energy, and inclination to do it. And still be fabulous
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 3
I've had a great couple of days.
My party was a great success. Pretty much everyone who said they were coming cameand more. There was enough food. I got the place clean. The guys managed to get a fire in the fire place outside. I drank ENTIRELY too much and didn't feel well for much of the day on Monday.
I have to say, my apartment looked fabulous. Here are some pictures:
I've been feeling like - for the last few days - there are times when I'm watching myself from outside myself. And I think: I can do this. I can be normal. I can socialize. I can be likable. I can trust people. I can like myself. I can trust myself. I can be happy. Why can't I belike that all the time. Why do I have to have days like today where I think I can't make decisions. Where I think that the decisions I make are bad. Where I think I'll be alone forever...or at least that I deserve to be alone forever because I'd ruin it otherwise.
But I can't let myself just stop and consider this. I'm seeing Dr. B next friday. Tonight I have tutoring and another crazyblinddate. Tomorrow is the Oakland Art Murmur and I'm helping with the Oaklandunwrapped.org booth. Saturday I'm mattress shopping and going to Lise's birthday party. Sunday is the yelp cookie exchange. I think I get a break next monday aund tuesday before the madness starts up again. I am going to sleep in on saturday, and try to get a hike in on sunday.
My party was a great success. Pretty much everyone who said they were coming cameand more. There was enough food. I got the place clean. The guys managed to get a fire in the fire place outside. I drank ENTIRELY too much and didn't feel well for much of the day on Monday.
I have to say, my apartment looked fabulous. Here are some pictures:
Then Monday, I had the celebration dinner for the Girls, Inc fundraiser I worked on. Tuesday, I went on a date that was set up by crazyblinddate.com. It was ok - nothing special and no one I'd be dying to see again. Then I saw guy from a couple weeks ago. It's been established that he's a confirmed old (but how old? no one knows) bachelor. I think I'm fine with the direction of things. I think. Or at least most of the time I'm mostly fine with it. It was nice, again.
Last night was the Yelp Holiday party. It was fine, long lines for food and drink, but that was expected, so I was chill. It was nice meeting some people I knew only from reviews and their online personas. It was slightly disappointing, because I'd pictured some people in my head and my imagination was better than the reality. I looked great - will post pictures later.
So today, I crashed. Of course having a great couple of days meant that I was generally riding too high to remember to take my medicine. And today my mind is going like a carousel on crack. each of the horses is bouncing up and down and my mind is spinning - and I just wanna get off! If I could just slow it down. And focus on one thought at a time. But instead it's just zing zing zing. So today, I'm not fine with the direction of things. I just want someone who fucking wants ME. Doesn't want to just fuck me. Wants ME. Loves me. Of course I have overlydemanding, weird ideas about what love is. I probably couldn't handle a real relationship now if I could have one. I'm still in my deluded little world of self-sabotage.
And mom wants my thoughts on Chrristmas and she's trying so hard and I'm still crazy. I still don't know what I want from Christmas and she wants to know and wants me to meet the boyfriends kids. Oh my god - What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Do I actually have a choice?
Last night was the Yelp Holiday party. It was fine, long lines for food and drink, but that was expected, so I was chill. It was nice meeting some people I knew only from reviews and their online personas. It was slightly disappointing, because I'd pictured some people in my head and my imagination was better than the reality. I looked great - will post pictures later.
So today, I crashed. Of course having a great couple of days meant that I was generally riding too high to remember to take my medicine. And today my mind is going like a carousel on crack. each of the horses is bouncing up and down and my mind is spinning - and I just wanna get off! If I could just slow it down. And focus on one thought at a time. But instead it's just zing zing zing. So today, I'm not fine with the direction of things. I just want someone who fucking wants ME. Doesn't want to just fuck me. Wants ME. Loves me. Of course I have overlydemanding, weird ideas about what love is. I probably couldn't handle a real relationship now if I could have one. I'm still in my deluded little world of self-sabotage.
And mom wants my thoughts on Chrristmas and she's trying so hard and I'm still crazy. I still don't know what I want from Christmas and she wants to know and wants me to meet the boyfriends kids. Oh my god - What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Do I actually have a choice?
I've been feeling like - for the last few days - there are times when I'm watching myself from outside myself. And I think: I can do this. I can be normal. I can socialize. I can be likable. I can trust people. I can like myself. I can trust myself. I can be happy. Why can't I belike that all the time. Why do I have to have days like today where I think I can't make decisions. Where I think that the decisions I make are bad. Where I think I'll be alone forever...or at least that I deserve to be alone forever because I'd ruin it otherwise.
But I can't let myself just stop and consider this. I'm seeing Dr. B next friday. Tonight I have tutoring and another crazyblinddate. Tomorrow is the Oakland Art Murmur and I'm helping with the Oaklandunwrapped.org booth. Saturday I'm mattress shopping and going to Lise's birthday party. Sunday is the yelp cookie exchange. I think I get a break next monday aund tuesday before the madness starts up again. I am going to sleep in on saturday, and try to get a hike in on sunday.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 2
So I'm taking a little break from cleaning, decorating, and cooking to say I'm having fun with this party planning, being domestic thing. I've got the tree just about decorated. The apartment is just about clean. And all I need is to start making the food.
And I've founda great dress to wear to the Yelp Holiday party. It's very "me" - fun, kinda sexy, but not predictable.
So - that's the updated...over and out
And I've founda great dress to wear to the Yelp Holiday party. It's very "me" - fun, kinda sexy, but not predictable.
So - that's the updated...over and out
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 1
So the last few posts haven't been too terribly brilliant or fabulous. But the reality is that you can't be brilliant and fabulous all the time...and if you've figured out a way to be brilliant and fabulous all the time, please share.
Anyway - I'm now knee deep in planning my first Christmas party. Right now, 10-15 of my friends will be descending on my apartment on Sunday afternoon. How, you wonder, can I have 10-15 people in my shoebox? Well, luckily my house has 2 decks with combined square footage that's larger than my little place and since I live in California, the weather is nice enough to do a Sunday afternoon shindig outdoors.
Nevertheless, I've been preparing my little home for the event.
I've put up a Christmas tree (2 actually, but one is a table top) and even purchased and decorated a wreath for my front door. There's something funny that happens to you when you realize that you've a) bought a wreath, b) you've bought an un-pre-decorated wreath, and c) you're disappointed that Michael's doesn't have white feathers for your wreath (you do, however, draw the line at scouring other craft stores for the feathers). I've also tasked myself to getting my apartment clean in time. AH! that's the real test - or rather, cleaning it this early in the week and committing to keeping it clean till Sunday. I've also planned a small menu of hors d'oeuvres and am still perplexed as to what drinks to serve.
Anyway, updates and pictures from the event will be posted.
Anyway - I'm now knee deep in planning my first Christmas party. Right now, 10-15 of my friends will be descending on my apartment on Sunday afternoon. How, you wonder, can I have 10-15 people in my shoebox? Well, luckily my house has 2 decks with combined square footage that's larger than my little place and since I live in California, the weather is nice enough to do a Sunday afternoon shindig outdoors.
Nevertheless, I've been preparing my little home for the event.
I've put up a Christmas tree (2 actually, but one is a table top) and even purchased and decorated a wreath for my front door. There's something funny that happens to you when you realize that you've a) bought a wreath, b) you've bought an un-pre-decorated wreath, and c) you're disappointed that Michael's doesn't have white feathers for your wreath (you do, however, draw the line at scouring other craft stores for the feathers). I've also tasked myself to getting my apartment clean in time. AH! that's the real test - or rather, cleaning it this early in the week and committing to keeping it clean till Sunday. I've also planned a small menu of hors d'oeuvres and am still perplexed as to what drinks to serve.Anyway, updates and pictures from the event will be posted.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
No one tells you...
No one tells you that when you pack up all your shit and move across country to a city where you don't know anyone that you may end up living there for a year and still not have any reliable friends. They don't tell you that you will be unable to make any fun plans - even a few days ahead - because you never know what will happen.
My friend/co-worker Ann flaked on going to the Giants game tonight. I've been wanting to go to a game all season but had been unable to find anyone to go with me. This being the last week of the season (the Giants suck and will not being going to the playoffs), she agreed on Wednesday to go. I put 2 view reserved tickets over the 3rd base line on my debit card and have been so excited about it. Then it rained today. It's just supposed to be cold and foggy today (when isn't it), but she doesn't want to go. I texted my one other friend - nope, he doesn't either.
I've never had tons of friends. I'm too introverted and untrusting for that. I've always had my few close friends - wherever I am - and that's it. That's always been enough. Just 5 or 6 people who I could generally count on to keep me entertained and in good company whenever I was feeling like it. Which really isn't all that often. I've tried here. Joined things. Gone to random happy hours. Genuinely made an effort to be social and friendly - to build a network. For nothing. For a year later to be sitting here with $60 of tickets and no one to go with.
It wasn't always perfect in DC. Lord knows I had more than my share of lonely days. But let's face it - they were more than likely my own fault...the result of enjoying being isolated and being terrified that if I didn't inflict my own isolation, I may be isolated by the rest of the world anyway because why would anyone actually want to be in my company, right?
And so now - despite my efforts and good intentions - I'm still alone. The horrible negative voice in my head - the one I have worked so hard this year to shut off...regardless of everything that has happened - is having it's own little celebratory party. Reminding me of all the reasons why I don't have friends. Reminding me why it's not worth it to even try. It was so much easier to be lonely when I didn't want or need anything else. But now, really? What is the point? For whatever reason - I just don't have what everyone else has or gets or whatever. I don't know how they do it. How do they get friends? How do other peoeple get to be so happy with their lives?
This is what no one tells you. That the world isn't fair. That some people will get happily ever after. And some of us will get shit. That no matter what you can't change what group you're in. And that when you think you have, when you've worked your ass off and try your hardest, you're still not going to change your fate.
My friend/co-worker Ann flaked on going to the Giants game tonight. I've been wanting to go to a game all season but had been unable to find anyone to go with me. This being the last week of the season (the Giants suck and will not being going to the playoffs), she agreed on Wednesday to go. I put 2 view reserved tickets over the 3rd base line on my debit card and have been so excited about it. Then it rained today. It's just supposed to be cold and foggy today (when isn't it), but she doesn't want to go. I texted my one other friend - nope, he doesn't either.
I've never had tons of friends. I'm too introverted and untrusting for that. I've always had my few close friends - wherever I am - and that's it. That's always been enough. Just 5 or 6 people who I could generally count on to keep me entertained and in good company whenever I was feeling like it. Which really isn't all that often. I've tried here. Joined things. Gone to random happy hours. Genuinely made an effort to be social and friendly - to build a network. For nothing. For a year later to be sitting here with $60 of tickets and no one to go with.
It wasn't always perfect in DC. Lord knows I had more than my share of lonely days. But let's face it - they were more than likely my own fault...the result of enjoying being isolated and being terrified that if I didn't inflict my own isolation, I may be isolated by the rest of the world anyway because why would anyone actually want to be in my company, right?
And so now - despite my efforts and good intentions - I'm still alone. The horrible negative voice in my head - the one I have worked so hard this year to shut off...regardless of everything that has happened - is having it's own little celebratory party. Reminding me of all the reasons why I don't have friends. Reminding me why it's not worth it to even try. It was so much easier to be lonely when I didn't want or need anything else. But now, really? What is the point? For whatever reason - I just don't have what everyone else has or gets or whatever. I don't know how they do it. How do they get friends? How do other peoeple get to be so happy with their lives?
This is what no one tells you. That the world isn't fair. That some people will get happily ever after. And some of us will get shit. That no matter what you can't change what group you're in. And that when you think you have, when you've worked your ass off and try your hardest, you're still not going to change your fate.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Touchy Subject?
I have a hard time talking to my (mostly white) friends about race issues. Sometimes I initiate the conversation, sometimes it just ends up there, sometimes they start it, but it always frustrates me.
I think it's because I already have a conflicted view of my own racial identity. Don't get me wrong. I'm black. I close enough to some relatives who "passed" to maybe play the "I've got some Indian in me" game. But I'm black. However, I grew up in a very white world. My mother was raised to not speak in vernacular - so I was, too. My diction combined with my tendencies towards classic/staid clothes and academic pursuits often end with me being asked "Do you think you're white?" Moving away from Indiana and growing up a little have allowed me to become more comfortable with who I am...but just barely.
So, talking about race issues becomes complicated for me because I feel a) that I have to speak for the whole of black America and black womanhood and b) that I don't have the right to say anything - because I'm not "black" enough. I realize that a) is impossible. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure my friends don't expect me to be their official black spokesperson. I also realize that b) isn't too realistic either - and that as a black woman, I have every right to share my experiences.
My inner conflict then blossoms into frustration because I want to call them on their views that I often feel are dismissive, naive, and simplistic. Too many discussions feel like my views - because they're predicated on race - are incorrect. Or that my friends don't really believe that it's that challenging. Or that they really think that if we close our eyes, hold hands and sing kumbiyah, we'll wipe it all away. I don't know how to explain this frustration. Or how the reality of my personal confusion makes dealing with being black and woman in America so
difficult.
Right now - I don't feel like saying anything further. It's so exhausting. Plus it makes me sad cause I'd really just like some black woman friends who I can discuss this with. So dealing with this - and my general issues just brings to front the pain of black women never liking me. I know at this point it's just self fulfilling prophecy because I avoid interactions with black women so that I don't have to endure the pain of yet more rejection.
I think it's because I already have a conflicted view of my own racial identity. Don't get me wrong. I'm black. I close enough to some relatives who "passed" to maybe play the "I've got some Indian in me" game. But I'm black. However, I grew up in a very white world. My mother was raised to not speak in vernacular - so I was, too. My diction combined with my tendencies towards classic/staid clothes and academic pursuits often end with me being asked "Do you think you're white?" Moving away from Indiana and growing up a little have allowed me to become more comfortable with who I am...but just barely.
So, talking about race issues becomes complicated for me because I feel a) that I have to speak for the whole of black America and black womanhood and b) that I don't have the right to say anything - because I'm not "black" enough. I realize that a) is impossible. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure my friends don't expect me to be their official black spokesperson. I also realize that b) isn't too realistic either - and that as a black woman, I have every right to share my experiences.
My inner conflict then blossoms into frustration because I want to call them on their views that I often feel are dismissive, naive, and simplistic. Too many discussions feel like my views - because they're predicated on race - are incorrect. Or that my friends don't really believe that it's that challenging. Or that they really think that if we close our eyes, hold hands and sing kumbiyah, we'll wipe it all away. I don't know how to explain this frustration. Or how the reality of my personal confusion makes dealing with being black and woman in America so
difficult.
Right now - I don't feel like saying anything further. It's so exhausting. Plus it makes me sad cause I'd really just like some black woman friends who I can discuss this with. So dealing with this - and my general issues just brings to front the pain of black women never liking me. I know at this point it's just self fulfilling prophecy because I avoid interactions with black women so that I don't have to endure the pain of yet more rejection.
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