Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 3

I've had a great couple of days.

My party was a great success. Pretty much everyone who said they were coming cameand more. There was enough food. I got the place clean. The guys managed to get a fire in the fire place outside. I drank ENTIRELY too much and didn't feel well for much of the day on Monday.

I have to say, my apartment looked fabulous. Here are some pictures:

Then Monday, I had the celebration dinner for the Girls, Inc fundraiser I worked on. Tuesday, I went on a date that was set up by crazyblinddate.com. It was ok - nothing special and no one I'd be dying to see again. Then I saw guy from a couple weeks ago. It's been established that he's a confirmed old (but how old? no one knows) bachelor. I think I'm fine with the direction of things. I think. Or at least most of the time I'm mostly fine with it. It was nice, again.

Last night was the Yelp Holiday party. It was fine, long lines for food and drink, but that was expected, so I was chill. It was nice meeting some people I knew only from reviews and their online personas. It was slightly disappointing, because I'd pictured some people in my head and my imagination was better than the reality. I looked great - will post pictures later.

So today, I crashed. Of course having a great couple of days meant that I was generally riding too high to remember to take my medicine. And today my mind is going like a carousel on crack. each of the horses is bouncing up and down and my mind is spinning - and I just wanna get off! If I could just slow it down. And focus on one thought at a time. But instead it's just zing zing zing. So today, I'm not fine with the direction of things. I just want someone who fucking wants ME. Doesn't want to just fuck me. Wants ME. Loves me. Of course I have overlydemanding, weird ideas about what love is. I probably couldn't handle a real relationship now if I could have one. I'm still in my deluded little world of self-sabotage.

And mom wants my thoughts on Chrristmas and she's trying so hard and I'm still crazy. I still don't know what I want from Christmas and she wants to know and wants me to meet the boyfriends kids. Oh my god - What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Do I actually have a choice?

I've been feeling like - for the last few days - there are times when I'm watching myself from outside myself. And I think: I can do this. I can be normal. I can socialize. I can be likable. I can trust people. I can like myself. I can trust myself. I can be happy. Why can't I belike that all the time. Why do I have to have days like today where I think I can't make decisions. Where I think that the decisions I make are bad. Where I think I'll be alone forever...or at least that I deserve to be alone forever because I'd ruin it otherwise.

But I can't let myself just stop and consider this. I'm seeing Dr. B next friday. Tonight I have tutoring and another crazyblinddate. Tomorrow is the Oakland Art Murmur and I'm helping with the Oaklandunwrapped.org booth. Saturday I'm mattress shopping and going to Lise's birthday party. Sunday is the yelp cookie exchange. I think I get a break next monday aund tuesday before the madness starts up again. I am going to sleep in on saturday, and try to get a hike in on sunday.

My lack of discipline is showing

It's been a while since I updated. I'm quite possibly one of the least disciplined people in the world. There's so much I want to do and even more that I have to do - so I end up jumping from idea to idea, project to project...somethings get finished, somethings don't, and ongoing things get neglected. I want so much to be those people who get things done. But I'm not.

I know it has something to do with something. I can tell that I'm doing OK but not great. I'm still struggling with some emotions - not sure what they are (stress? anger? fear? sadness?) but I'm eating them and avoiding them. I've eaten so much crap lately. Recognizing this gets me an A for effort, but really doesn't mean anything. I did go to the store yesterday and buy (mostly) healthy stuff. I'm making a valiant effort to plan my meals and get to the gym. It's not just eating either. Until yesterday, my apartment was a disaster. Not just messy - but hazardly cluttered with stuff flung everywhere.

I've just been staying so busy - working, knitting, reading, going out. That's about it. Except I'm not just doing 1 thing at work - I'm usually doing 5. I've got 3 different knitting projects going. And I'm reading 4 books. And I don't just have 1 event to go to - I have 2 or 3 an evening. I know this is wrong. As Dr B told - you can't do more than 1 thing at a time - you can just do 1 thing and then another. I can see things starting to try their spiral, so I'm trying to hold it all together. Trying to control as much as I can. Trying... I like my 5 million projects. But I know things are suffering as a result. I may have to cool it - work on balance....finish a project or 2. Say NO to an invitation. Finish 1 book before starting another.

Thinking a bit - I realize that alot of what I have as outstanding projects or books or whatever are "commitments" to other people. I'm working on 1 scarf for myself - but all I can thinking about is finishing it so I have the needles to work on something for mom. I've got another 2 scarves for mom in the works. And I need to start this hat I promised I'd make kevin. And a ruffle scarf for Aunt Sharon. One of the books is for book club, 1 is for work, 2 are because I just felt like I had to read them. My new friends are sweet - they make it really hard to say no.
Of course it's even harder becacuse the fatalist in me is certain that the invites will stop coming - cause, you know...well I know they're not. But I keep thinking that every party, dinner out, happy hour is the last. I just need to remind myself that it's not.

Well blogger has a scheduled outage soon...I'm glad I figured this out. I can't make any promises that I can fix these things today or this week. But I guess - I have to remember - I can't do all this at once, and I can't please everybody all the time - the quality of all of it suffers...and so do I if I keep this up

No one tells you...

No one tells you that when you pack up all your shit and move across country to a city where you don't know anyone that you may end up living there for a year and still not have any reliable friends. They don't tell you that you will be unable to make any fun plans - even a few days ahead - because you never know what will happen.

My friend/co-worker Ann flaked on going to the Giants game tonight. I've been wanting to go to a game all season but had been unable to find anyone to go with me. This being the last week of the season (the Giants suck and will not being going to the playoffs), she agreed on Wednesday to go. I put 2 view reserved tickets over the 3rd base line on my debit card and have been so excited about it. Then it rained today. It's just supposed to be cold and foggy today (when isn't it), but she doesn't want to go. I texted my one other friend - nope, he doesn't either.

I've never had tons of friends. I'm too introverted and untrusting for that. I've always had my few close friends - wherever I am - and that's it. That's always been enough. Just 5 or 6 people who I could generally count on to keep me entertained and in good company whenever I was feeling like it. Which really isn't all that often. I've tried here. Joined things. Gone to random happy hours. Genuinely made an effort to be social and friendly - to build a network. For nothing. For a year later to be sitting here with $60 of tickets and no one to go with.

It wasn't always perfect in DC. Lord knows I had more than my share of lonely days. But let's face it - they were more than likely my own fault...the result of enjoying being isolated and being terrified that if I didn't inflict my own isolation, I may be isolated by the rest of the world anyway because why would anyone actually want to be in my company, right?

And so now - despite my efforts and good intentions - I'm still alone. The horrible negative voice in my head - the one I have worked so hard this year to shut off...regardless of everything that has happened - is having it's own little celebratory party. Reminding me of all the reasons why I don't have friends. Reminding me why it's not worth it to even try. It was so much easier to be lonely when I didn't want or need anything else. But now, really? What is the point? For whatever reason - I just don't have what everyone else has or gets or whatever. I don't know how they do it. How do they get friends? How do other peoeple get to be so happy with their lives?

This is what no one tells you. That the world isn't fair. That some people will get happily ever after. And some of us will get shit. That no matter what you can't change what group you're in. And that when you think you have, when you've worked your ass off and try your hardest, you're still not going to change your fate.