Holiday Summary

ummmmm - I go in reverse.

New Year's in Phoenix -
was great. Nadia and Ben are insanely nice. IU lost the game, but we still had a blast. I had a nice time at their friend's party. Talked to people, drank, that's about it.

Christmas in Chicago-
I don't know. Christmas day was good. It was calm. We chilled. I liked that. I needed that. Mom doesn't get that I feel like I need to be "on" with the family. That I need to be smart and without fault and doesn't date the wrong guys, in fact doesn't date at all until I find someone (similarly perfect) to marry. I don't know what to talk about. She's always bringing up that no one else listens to NPR and I don't expect them to. But since I do and I dont have a TV - I feel like there's nothing to talk about. I can't talk about music with the kids - I'm usually months behind. The ones who are close to my age are interested in different stuff. So I enjoyed this new holiday. She said she did but wouldn't want to do it again. I don't know

The day after Christmas, though - I apparently ruined it. We were getting dressed to go to dinner with her friend Stephanie. Marc (the boyfriend) invited himself and Stephanie's boyfriend to dinner. I said "great, Im going to be 5th wheel to 2 couples". It wasn't something that I was relishing. And I wasn't ready to spend time with the boyfriend yet. She had just been with him. This was MY time. I also commented that it felt like he called a lot on Christmas. And it just unraveled.

It's funny that she gets frustrated that I see her love/affection as a finite amount and I have some or I have none, but she does the same with the way I see things. So I can't enjoy Christmas and feel hurt that he's calling all the time. She can't be a good mother and me feel hurt or upset about things in the past.

Anyway - we spent hours talking that night and the next morning. I'm still reeling from it. I just felt like I ruin everything. I ruined her perfect christmas (which I knew I'd do - I wrote it here) and I just ruin stuff. Do I ruin my own stuff?

And I met the kids. They're kids. Which makes it easier or harder. They're kids. They like her. It would almost be better if they didn't like her or were brats. Then I would know that they wouldn't replace me. But if I'm not there and they live with her, there's no way that I wouldn't be replaced - they would be more important. I don't know how to not think this. I have a hard enough time with her having a boyfriend - much less 3 people. I don't know how to think of love as anything other than a pie. And I want the biggest piece. And if theyre more people there's less pie for me.

Other than that - it's the new year. I made the usual resolution - get healthy. A new one - meet a guy. Didn't make one I should have - get better. The friends are on my case about the old man and the other guy - to get rid of them to find someone better. I want to but...it's hard to convince myself that I deserve better than either of them. Which is just kinda me. I'm fine with this dregs. Maybe. If I was I probably would just be very on the DL about it all. Which is what kevin says to do. So I probably mention it so that I get reminded that it's wrong. I'll get it straightened out...eventually. In the meantime, I joined match. Still trying to see if its a waste o fmoney.

So that's this year, so far. Of course - there will be updates.

The visit

Mom and I in Chicago this Summer

My mother is coming to visit. She arrives tonight and is staying through next Wednesday. Whew..sigh. I love my mom - but her visits stress me out so much.

Here's the backstory. I am the quintessential member of the black middle class in-between generation. We're just like any other first-generation American group, except our parents were born here. For me, this means straddling between the highly religious, family oriented, thrifty world of my mom's and the fun, spiritual not religious, consumeristic world of my (mostly white) peers. It's remembering that while I occasionally curse around friends - or at least lace my sentences with an effing or hella, that's not acceptable. It's remembering to hide my condoms and cigarettes and "toy" when she visits. It's remembering to call before a date to pre-empt any interruptions.

It is tiring. Extremely tiring. And I know, as I'm told any time she visits, that I'm a "grown-ass woman", but it's a lot easier to be a grown-ass woman when she's 2000 miles away. It's simplistic to think that I can just not do the necessary things - slip a curse word in here, leave the cigarettes I rarely smoke in the console of the car, and be open about who I spend time with. I know there are people who do that. People whose parents are open and understanding about premarital sex and cursing and whatever else. But I can't. Trust me - I can't. It's not like I could do that, tell her I'm a grown-ass woman and that be the end of it. No no no. I left a pack of cigarettes in my car years ago. I was 20. I'm still occasionally asked if I'm trying to "sneak and smoke." Ummmmm yeah - I'm 20something and live thousands of miles away...I don't have to sneak to smoke. I get regular lectures on the dangers (physical, like STDs, and emotional) of premarital sex...with the extra warning that it's going to send me to hell.

I am learning to give her a little more benefit of the doubt that she won't flip and just assert myself. I've finally admitted that I don't go to church, I don't want to go to church and I won't until I figure-out how I feel about church and God and religion. While she's hinted toward her disappointment a couple times (asking me if we were going to church this visit and how much she wants to), she's largely left me alone about it. I did tell her, ahead of time, of a trip to Tahoe with a guy I'd been kinda dating and she completely freaked me out by asking if I had cute undies and pajamas. I didn't tell her nothing happened on that trip.

And it's not just the superficial behaviors that I hide to gain her approval. Having her here, in my space, is a challenge. She hasn't arrived yet, but I'm exhausted from cleaning and planning and trying to show her that the sacrifices she made to raise me were worthwhile. In my own whacked out head, every visit is a referendum on my appreciation of everything I was given and an opportunity to ...I don't know....give her fodder for the parents' game of look what my kid is doing? show off my "maturity"? Lord only knows why I freak out so much about it. But I do.

So, she's visiting - for 8 days. Yes, I have everyday planned. Dinners, brunch, SFMoMA, Napa, a hike, the spa etc. Of course I'll be pissed when she wants to change most of it. And I have apartment stocked with goodies for her. Which I already slightly resent because she barely had any food in the house when I last visited her. But I really am happy she's visiting. Happy and stressed - but happy.