I'm having one of those days where the lonelyness of my life is amplified to the point where I just want to fall apart.
I just want to be taken care of. Nearly 2 weeks of the stomach flu, work, laundry and then getting a flat today is just pushing me over the edge where I want to whine and curl up into a ball and just have someone fix it and make me dinner and fold my laundry and tell me it's gonna be alright. What I don't want is well meaning friends giving me lectures on how it's going to be ok and that this will make me stronger and that this builds character. I have character. I'm plenty strong. But everyone has a breaking point. Everyone has a point where they're sick of going it alone. It's just little things too. I'm swamped at work, and there may be a 3 hour wait at costco to fix my tire - I say it...no one offers to follow me so that I can do m job. There's no one I can call to help. I just have to deal with it - alone.
OK - pity party over. There's shit to be done
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Hurry up and wait...
I feel like that's my life right now. There's so much going on - some I can share, some I can't. In general, I feel an interesting mix of in control and out. And the things that are out of control are more in regards to things that I want to happen but aren't yet.
So what's in control? I can say that I have developed a fair degree of assertiveness. Not completely. But I've been taking care of myself. And deciding that I want to get as much as I give. This is not meant in specific to anything in particular. But a couple situation and the way I deal with things in general. I have a feeling that some other feelings may be hurt about this - and that it may seem that I'm pulling away. But Dr. B told me months ago that part of treatment is building constructive relationships - and that some will work, some won't.
What's out of control - aha...the usual. The enigma is moving to China. Starting a business. And like a brilliant fool, I've volunteered to help with the marketing. It's a great experience, but probably not the greatest idea on my part. I can't help but to hate him at times. Sleeping with him was the first time that I didn't feel in control of my sexuality. I remember writing in my old, completely personal/private blog that that was the one time that I didn't feel like the "... kickass, third wave, feminist who is control of her sexual destiny." And that instead, I felt "...Weirdly vulnerable. Curious about where this goes from here. Scared." Not sure if it's all positive that I was scared...I don't know if it's now my general cynical, skeptical nature to question it. Months later now, I replay that night in my head and all I can think is that I got played. Either I was fooling myself then or I was fooling myself the other times when I thought I was kickass and in control, but I think majority rules. I was played. I can't blame him for it - I allowed it. But I can't help but hate him at times.
In other news - I rejoined match.com. I've met 1 guy - he's nice. We went salsa dancing last weekend. We'll see how it goes from there. It's a bit disappointing that he's the only one. It's so frustrating...I'm great. I know that, you know that, EVERYONE knows that - right? So why the hell, is there no one else finding me - online or off - and thinking that I'm great? I didn't expect to necessarily find Mr. Right online - or even Mr. Right-Now - but I did hope to go on dates, to meet people, to at least see some progress. And I still swear that if I hear: "when you stop looking..." What??? When I stop looking I'll find myself the statistical 39 year old, never married, educated, successful black woman. I am by nature a problem solver - but what do you do when you can't plug something into a spreadsheet or make up action items? I am doing everything right.
Which, quite honestly, is how I feel about so much of my life. Now and for the last few years - personally, professionally, emotionally. I am doing everything right and still so much is wrong. It's like can I get a freaking bone? Just something. For a while. That won't crash and burn.
Other stuff...can't really share. I do currently have the stomach flu - I've had it for a week. No I am not pregnant. A coworker asked me that today - yes, she is still alive - but no, I am not pregnant. That's quite the terrifying thought. But quite timely given that today is the 35th anniversary of Roe v Wade. Yay! I have to say that I am quite grateful to live in a country and a time that not only allows choice, but also allows such a range of choice. I hope not to ever have to have an abortion - and since I have access to birth control, I should never have to.
And finally, in conclusion, I recently heard from.... let's call him the one who got away version 1...I realized - I used to think about politics and the world. I may start writing about that on occasion and think about something...someone... other than myself.
So what's in control? I can say that I have developed a fair degree of assertiveness. Not completely. But I've been taking care of myself. And deciding that I want to get as much as I give. This is not meant in specific to anything in particular. But a couple situation and the way I deal with things in general. I have a feeling that some other feelings may be hurt about this - and that it may seem that I'm pulling away. But Dr. B told me months ago that part of treatment is building constructive relationships - and that some will work, some won't.
What's out of control - aha...the usual. The enigma is moving to China. Starting a business. And like a brilliant fool, I've volunteered to help with the marketing. It's a great experience, but probably not the greatest idea on my part. I can't help but to hate him at times. Sleeping with him was the first time that I didn't feel in control of my sexuality. I remember writing in my old, completely personal/private blog that that was the one time that I didn't feel like the "... kickass, third wave, feminist who is control of her sexual destiny." And that instead, I felt "...Weirdly vulnerable. Curious about where this goes from here. Scared." Not sure if it's all positive that I was scared...I don't know if it's now my general cynical, skeptical nature to question it. Months later now, I replay that night in my head and all I can think is that I got played. Either I was fooling myself then or I was fooling myself the other times when I thought I was kickass and in control, but I think majority rules. I was played. I can't blame him for it - I allowed it. But I can't help but hate him at times.
In other news - I rejoined match.com. I've met 1 guy - he's nice. We went salsa dancing last weekend. We'll see how it goes from there. It's a bit disappointing that he's the only one. It's so frustrating...I'm great. I know that, you know that, EVERYONE knows that - right? So why the hell, is there no one else finding me - online or off - and thinking that I'm great? I didn't expect to necessarily find Mr. Right online - or even Mr. Right-Now - but I did hope to go on dates, to meet people, to at least see some progress. And I still swear that if I hear: "when you stop looking..." What??? When I stop looking I'll find myself the statistical 39 year old, never married, educated, successful black woman. I am by nature a problem solver - but what do you do when you can't plug something into a spreadsheet or make up action items? I am doing everything right.
Which, quite honestly, is how I feel about so much of my life. Now and for the last few years - personally, professionally, emotionally. I am doing everything right and still so much is wrong. It's like can I get a freaking bone? Just something. For a while. That won't crash and burn.
Other stuff...can't really share. I do currently have the stomach flu - I've had it for a week. No I am not pregnant. A coworker asked me that today - yes, she is still alive - but no, I am not pregnant. That's quite the terrifying thought. But quite timely given that today is the 35th anniversary of Roe v Wade. Yay! I have to say that I am quite grateful to live in a country and a time that not only allows choice, but also allows such a range of choice. I hope not to ever have to have an abortion - and since I have access to birth control, I should never have to.
And finally, in conclusion, I recently heard from.... let's call him the one who got away version 1...I realized - I used to think about politics and the world. I may start writing about that on occasion and think about something...someone... other than myself.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I really think things should make sense...
I realize I have a tendency to compartmentalize - people, places, things, situations. Everything, everyone has a purpose and role in my life...and in my eyes, the world.
So last night when the old man asked me if I "liked" him, I was thrown. I don't need to "like" him. It serves no purpose for me to like him. It would be naive and inevitably disastrous if I "liked" him. it's just not in the realm of possibility. I think he thinks I'm sweet and naive enough to not know what's going on.
Of course, in that moment, I said yes. I wasn't in a position to say the truth...I appreciate him. The first time we slept together, I did it because the enigma had returned from Asia and seeing him for the first time in nearly 6 months was too much for me handle - and I hadn't processed through it all. On that saturday night, I needed someone to want me. I needed to feel desired. And the fact that he was able to get me to stop thinking and to focus on the physical was bonus (there's definitely something to be said about older guys). And since then, he's proven himself to be a reliable, generally weekly source of those same feelings. It's been a while since I've been called a "hot babe" or been told that my pleasure is a priority. I appreciate that. And given that like is fickle, appreciation may be better.
I want a relationship and companionship and all of that, and I'd be lying if I pretended like it was never a consideration...come on - good on paper and in be doesn't happen everyday...but I'm smarter about things now. I'm looking for the real thing, but after a week of shifting through match losers - I could actively hate the old man, and still be happy.
Anyway - back to the point. Why do I need to like him? Isn't he fine with his purpose? Why can't even something this simple make sense?
So last night when the old man asked me if I "liked" him, I was thrown. I don't need to "like" him. It serves no purpose for me to like him. It would be naive and inevitably disastrous if I "liked" him. it's just not in the realm of possibility. I think he thinks I'm sweet and naive enough to not know what's going on.
Of course, in that moment, I said yes. I wasn't in a position to say the truth...I appreciate him. The first time we slept together, I did it because the enigma had returned from Asia and seeing him for the first time in nearly 6 months was too much for me handle - and I hadn't processed through it all. On that saturday night, I needed someone to want me. I needed to feel desired. And the fact that he was able to get me to stop thinking and to focus on the physical was bonus (there's definitely something to be said about older guys). And since then, he's proven himself to be a reliable, generally weekly source of those same feelings. It's been a while since I've been called a "hot babe" or been told that my pleasure is a priority. I appreciate that. And given that like is fickle, appreciation may be better.
I want a relationship and companionship and all of that, and I'd be lying if I pretended like it was never a consideration...come on - good on paper and in be doesn't happen everyday...but I'm smarter about things now. I'm looking for the real thing, but after a week of shifting through match losers - I could actively hate the old man, and still be happy.
Anyway - back to the point. Why do I need to like him? Isn't he fine with his purpose? Why can't even something this simple make sense?
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Holiday Summary
ummmmm - I go in reverse.
New Year's in Phoenix -
was great. Nadia and Ben are insanely nice. IU lost the game, but we still had a blast. I had a nice time at their friend's party. Talked to people, drank, that's about it.
Christmas in Chicago-
I don't know. Christmas day was good. It was calm. We chilled. I liked that. I needed that. Mom doesn't get that I feel like I need to be "on" with the family. That I need to be smart and without fault and doesn't date the wrong guys, in fact doesn't date at all until I find someone (similarly perfect) to marry. I don't know what to talk about. She's always bringing up that no one else listens to NPR and I don't expect them to. But since I do and I dont have a TV - I feel like there's nothing to talk about. I can't talk about music with the kids - I'm usually months behind. The ones who are close to my age are interested in different stuff. So I enjoyed this new holiday. She said she did but wouldn't want to do it again. I don't know
The day after Christmas, though - I apparently ruined it. We were getting dressed to go to dinner with her friend Stephanie. Marc (the boyfriend) invited himself and Stephanie's boyfriend to dinner. I said "great, Im going to be 5th wheel to 2 couples". It wasn't something that I was relishing. And I wasn't ready to spend time with the boyfriend yet. She had just been with him. This was MY time. I also commented that it felt like he called a lot on Christmas. And it just unraveled.
It's funny that she gets frustrated that I see her love/affection as a finite amount and I have some or I have none, but she does the same with the way I see things. So I can't enjoy Christmas and feel hurt that he's calling all the time. She can't be a good mother and me feel hurt or upset about things in the past.
Anyway - we spent hours talking that night and the next morning. I'm still reeling from it. I just felt like I ruin everything. I ruined her perfect christmas (which I knew I'd do - I wrote it here) and I just ruin stuff. Do I ruin my own stuff?
And I met the kids. They're kids. Which makes it easier or harder. They're kids. They like her. It would almost be better if they didn't like her or were brats. Then I would know that they wouldn't replace me. But if I'm not there and they live with her, there's no way that I wouldn't be replaced - they would be more important. I don't know how to not think this. I have a hard enough time with her having a boyfriend - much less 3 people. I don't know how to think of love as anything other than a pie. And I want the biggest piece. And if theyre more people there's less pie for me.
Other than that - it's the new year. I made the usual resolution - get healthy. A new one - meet a guy. Didn't make one I should have - get better. The friends are on my case about the old man and the other guy - to get rid of them to find someone better. I want to but...it's hard to convince myself that I deserve better than either of them. Which is just kinda me. I'm fine with this dregs. Maybe. If I was I probably would just be very on the DL about it all. Which is what kevin says to do. So I probably mention it so that I get reminded that it's wrong. I'll get it straightened out...eventually. In the meantime, I joined match. Still trying to see if its a waste o fmoney.
So that's this year, so far. Of course - there will be updates.
New Year's in Phoenix -
was great. Nadia and Ben are insanely nice. IU lost the game, but we still had a blast. I had a nice time at their friend's party. Talked to people, drank, that's about it.
Christmas in Chicago-
I don't know. Christmas day was good. It was calm. We chilled. I liked that. I needed that. Mom doesn't get that I feel like I need to be "on" with the family. That I need to be smart and without fault and doesn't date the wrong guys, in fact doesn't date at all until I find someone (similarly perfect) to marry. I don't know what to talk about. She's always bringing up that no one else listens to NPR and I don't expect them to. But since I do and I dont have a TV - I feel like there's nothing to talk about. I can't talk about music with the kids - I'm usually months behind. The ones who are close to my age are interested in different stuff. So I enjoyed this new holiday. She said she did but wouldn't want to do it again. I don't know
The day after Christmas, though - I apparently ruined it. We were getting dressed to go to dinner with her friend Stephanie. Marc (the boyfriend) invited himself and Stephanie's boyfriend to dinner. I said "great, Im going to be 5th wheel to 2 couples". It wasn't something that I was relishing. And I wasn't ready to spend time with the boyfriend yet. She had just been with him. This was MY time. I also commented that it felt like he called a lot on Christmas. And it just unraveled.
It's funny that she gets frustrated that I see her love/affection as a finite amount and I have some or I have none, but she does the same with the way I see things. So I can't enjoy Christmas and feel hurt that he's calling all the time. She can't be a good mother and me feel hurt or upset about things in the past.
Anyway - we spent hours talking that night and the next morning. I'm still reeling from it. I just felt like I ruin everything. I ruined her perfect christmas (which I knew I'd do - I wrote it here) and I just ruin stuff. Do I ruin my own stuff?
And I met the kids. They're kids. Which makes it easier or harder. They're kids. They like her. It would almost be better if they didn't like her or were brats. Then I would know that they wouldn't replace me. But if I'm not there and they live with her, there's no way that I wouldn't be replaced - they would be more important. I don't know how to not think this. I have a hard enough time with her having a boyfriend - much less 3 people. I don't know how to think of love as anything other than a pie. And I want the biggest piece. And if theyre more people there's less pie for me.
Other than that - it's the new year. I made the usual resolution - get healthy. A new one - meet a guy. Didn't make one I should have - get better. The friends are on my case about the old man and the other guy - to get rid of them to find someone better. I want to but...it's hard to convince myself that I deserve better than either of them. Which is just kinda me. I'm fine with this dregs. Maybe. If I was I probably would just be very on the DL about it all. Which is what kevin says to do. So I probably mention it so that I get reminded that it's wrong. I'll get it straightened out...eventually. In the meantime, I joined match. Still trying to see if its a waste o fmoney.
So that's this year, so far. Of course - there will be updates.
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