Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 4

My holidays so far - by the numbers:

• Cookies Made: 25 dozen+ (6 Dozen Pecan Bars, 12 Dozen Macaroons, About 100 (or more) bourbon balls, 1 batch of brownies with peppermint frozting)
• Drinks had: Several glasses of wine, 5 vodka tonics, a little bourbon straight
• Trips to the grocery store: 8 (plus a couple target runs)
• Kitchen equipment purchased: 4 (1 cookie sheet, 1 9x13 pan, 1 9x9 pan, 1 mixer)
• Clothing purchased: 1 new dress + accessories, 1 pair of pants, 2 pairs of pajamas with matching slippers
• Injuries: 1 pinky closed in car door
• Miles driven: about 500
• Guys picked up in bars: 1
• Weight gained: 5 real lbs (about 15 imaginary ones due to bloat)
  
• Visits to the friend's house for distraction: 2
• Parties hosted: 1
• Parties attended: 3
• Parties planned to host: 2
  
• Breakdown days: 1

There's no rest for the not-yet-weary but slowly wearing down. Having a cookie party tonight. Then I have knitting group tomorrow. Then Crazy Blind Date on thursday. Saturday I'm sorting presents with the frat brothers. Sunday - I'm really hiking...and maybe having the posse over for dinner. I have gotten into the entertaining thing. I LOVE it.

I am, however, exhausted. And eating poorly. And using all of this as a way to not feel or think or do.

But I'm fabulous. So it's okay, right? I'm having fun. There's no balance to my life, but I'm having fun. Does it matter? It kinda scares me when I'm not thinking about things. When I'm not planning out how to deal with stuff. The little voice in my head tells me I should be thinking harder, be more worried, more stressed. It tells me that my breakdown last week could happen again. That it could be worse. That it will be worse. Logically - the voice is probably right. But I don't have the energy to be fabulous and feel fabulous at the same time. I'd get even less sleep if I was to try to cook and clean and do all that other stuff. So I'm worried about that. I'm trying not to worry and to just go with it. But I know it's no good. I know what I need to be doing. I just need to find the time, energy, and inclination to do it. And still be fabulous

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 3

I've had a great couple of days.

My party was a great success. Pretty much everyone who said they were coming cameand more. There was enough food. I got the place clean. The guys managed to get a fire in the fire place outside. I drank ENTIRELY too much and didn't feel well for much of the day on Monday.

I have to say, my apartment looked fabulous. Here are some pictures:

Then Monday, I had the celebration dinner for the Girls, Inc fundraiser I worked on. Tuesday, I went on a date that was set up by crazyblinddate.com. It was ok - nothing special and no one I'd be dying to see again. Then I saw guy from a couple weeks ago. It's been established that he's a confirmed old (but how old? no one knows) bachelor. I think I'm fine with the direction of things. I think. Or at least most of the time I'm mostly fine with it. It was nice, again.

Last night was the Yelp Holiday party. It was fine, long lines for food and drink, but that was expected, so I was chill. It was nice meeting some people I knew only from reviews and their online personas. It was slightly disappointing, because I'd pictured some people in my head and my imagination was better than the reality. I looked great - will post pictures later.

So today, I crashed. Of course having a great couple of days meant that I was generally riding too high to remember to take my medicine. And today my mind is going like a carousel on crack. each of the horses is bouncing up and down and my mind is spinning - and I just wanna get off! If I could just slow it down. And focus on one thought at a time. But instead it's just zing zing zing. So today, I'm not fine with the direction of things. I just want someone who fucking wants ME. Doesn't want to just fuck me. Wants ME. Loves me. Of course I have overlydemanding, weird ideas about what love is. I probably couldn't handle a real relationship now if I could have one. I'm still in my deluded little world of self-sabotage.

And mom wants my thoughts on Chrristmas and she's trying so hard and I'm still crazy. I still don't know what I want from Christmas and she wants to know and wants me to meet the boyfriends kids. Oh my god - What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Do I actually have a choice?

I've been feeling like - for the last few days - there are times when I'm watching myself from outside myself. And I think: I can do this. I can be normal. I can socialize. I can be likable. I can trust people. I can like myself. I can trust myself. I can be happy. Why can't I belike that all the time. Why do I have to have days like today where I think I can't make decisions. Where I think that the decisions I make are bad. Where I think I'll be alone forever...or at least that I deserve to be alone forever because I'd ruin it otherwise.

But I can't let myself just stop and consider this. I'm seeing Dr. B next friday. Tonight I have tutoring and another crazyblinddate. Tomorrow is the Oakland Art Murmur and I'm helping with the Oaklandunwrapped.org booth. Saturday I'm mattress shopping and going to Lise's birthday party. Sunday is the yelp cookie exchange. I think I get a break next monday aund tuesday before the madness starts up again. I am going to sleep in on saturday, and try to get a hike in on sunday.

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 2

So I'm taking a little break from cleaning, decorating, and cooking to say I'm having fun with this party planning, being domestic thing. I've got the tree just about decorated. The apartment is just about clean. And all I need is to start making the food.

And I've founda great dress to wear to the Yelp Holiday party. It's very "me" - fun, kinda sexy, but not predictable.

So - that's the updated...over and out

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 1

So the last few posts haven't been too terribly brilliant or fabulous. But the reality is that you can't be brilliant and fabulous all the time...and if you've figured out a way to be brilliant and fabulous all the time, please share.

Anyway - I'm now knee deep in planning my first Christmas party. Right now, 10-15 of my friends will be descending on my apartment on Sunday afternoon. How, you wonder, can I have 10-15 people in my shoebox? Well, luckily my house has 2 decks with combined square footage that's larger than my little place and since I live in California, the weather is nice enough to do a Sunday afternoon shindig outdoors.

Nevertheless, I've been preparing my little home for the event. I've put up a Christmas tree (2 actually, but one is a table top) and even purchased and decorated a wreath for my front door. There's something funny that happens to you when you realize that you've a) bought a wreath, b) you've bought an un-pre-decorated wreath, and c) you're disappointed that Michael's doesn't have white feathers for your wreath (you do, however, draw the line at scouring other craft stores for the feathers). I've also tasked myself to getting my apartment clean in time. AH! that's the real test - or rather, cleaning it this early in the week and committing to keeping it clean till Sunday. I've also planned a small menu of hors d'oeuvres and am still perplexed as to what drinks to serve.

Anyway, updates and pictures from the event will be posted.