Just When...

Just when I get you out of my head and my heart and my life.
Just when I think that it's possible that there could be
someone
else

(possible - you know - likely)

That eventually
I could
find
someone else.

Just when that idea enters my realm of possibility
because you have finally vacated that property in my head and my heart and my


everything,



You stop for a visit.
You sit down on my couch.
And I am suddenly reminded that

Just when
I thought all your belongings were gone
you are still,
in fact,
at home here
with me

in my head and heart and everything

And
Just when I think that I have no choice
but
to let you stay

I remember
that
Just when I let you in
you left

and
Just when I thought it was safe
to be open
to be alive
I start to question
if
I want to be open and alive
without you

Can I be
open and alive without you?

And
Just when I
realize
that I can

You come for a visit.

But don't get comfortable
because
just when
you think that you're here to stay.
It's likely

(likely - you know - possible)

that I will
kick you out

A funny thing happened...

...This weekend.


Friday, I was drained when I got home. I went to see Dr. B. for the first time since June. We played catch up with mom stuff and a little on the why-doesn't-any-one-want-to-date-my stuff. Which are both a little an issue of me being more confident that I am enough. Fabulous enough. Or just enough enough to feel secure. That I'm enough for mom to love and be fine with the space in her life that she offers me - while creating space for and with other people.

It was a lot. It's still a lot. It brings up a lot. Because it challenges everything I "know". Every inch of my personal knowledge tells me that there is a way to constantly be "better' or "more". Every experience - at least to me - points to possibility to be more. So that I'd be loved more and whatever.

So after all that Friday, I climbed in bed around 5 and ate some nachos (made with Tina's lardy chips - yum). I sent as close to a "please save me from spending the rest of the night crying" text as possible - it was something like, Wassup? I don't know. The first person to reply was Ralph. Yes, he is a little strange. But I think he's more lonely and eccentric (and maybe a little oddly socialized), but he's pleasant enough to be around. He can form complete sentences. We can share experiences of being highly educated suburbanesque black folks. I felt better once I was out and dressed. Sushi of course helped as did the wine.

Saturday was busy busy busy. And bizarre. I was drving down 580 to go to Milpitas to sort gifts for the Family Giving Tree program. As I was trying to maneuver through traffic, I looked over to see a good looking man driving a Jetta (my favorite car). We continued to exchange looks while passing each other for the next few miles. Something came over me as I was driving and I realized that I had crayons in my car. So I used the crayon to as neatly as possible write my number and held it to the window. He couldn't read it, so we eventually pulled off at an exit, exchanged numbers and names and have been texting since.

Big steps for me. Fun steps. Funny steps. But good.

truly happy for you?

Two of my friends bought houses this week. I'm not sure how I feel about it...a little jealous, a little more happy, a little relieved that if someone else is following the prescribed course I can do my own thing.

I'm jealous that they have a 15% downpayment on a house and parents to makeup the difference to 20%. I keep reminding myself that when you start out even, or ahead as is largely the case here, that kind of stuff is possible. I don't want to sound like these friends don't "work" but bought my first car. I'm going to be paying for my degree forever. I don't need to think about accepting any gift from family cause anything is better than nothing.

I'm happy for them. Mostly cause their happy. And you should be happy when you're friends are happy. But I'm relieved its not me. I'm not ready for all that. I'd love to have a larger space. And hopefully soon (ok, realistically in about 10 years unless I marry REALLY well), I'll be able to afford a little condo. But the idea of being married and owning a house and having that kind of an albatross sounds kinda sucky to me. I know - I'm the very person saying I want to get married. Maybe I don't know what I want.

A Realization...continued

Helpful Tip: When leaving, don't talk to me. Don't touch me. Don't make noise. Don't hum to yourself. Get dressed. Get your shit. AND LEAVE.

If you don't, the nearly 1/2 your age woman who is already having doubts about just sleeping with you may really start to question it. She may really have issues with the whole guy leaving thing. She may realize that she's just having "Fun" with someone who isn't nearly fabulous enough for her.

Realization...

Completely unrelated to most of what I've written recently - but I'd rather do the leaving than be left. And I'm not sure about how I feel about certain people not acknowledging my fabulosity.

That is all

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 4

My holidays so far - by the numbers:

• Cookies Made: 25 dozen+ (6 Dozen Pecan Bars, 12 Dozen Macaroons, About 100 (or more) bourbon balls, 1 batch of brownies with peppermint frozting)
• Drinks had: Several glasses of wine, 5 vodka tonics, a little bourbon straight
• Trips to the grocery store: 8 (plus a couple target runs)
• Kitchen equipment purchased: 4 (1 cookie sheet, 1 9x13 pan, 1 9x9 pan, 1 mixer)
• Clothing purchased: 1 new dress + accessories, 1 pair of pants, 2 pairs of pajamas with matching slippers
• Injuries: 1 pinky closed in car door
• Miles driven: about 500
• Guys picked up in bars: 1
• Weight gained: 5 real lbs (about 15 imaginary ones due to bloat)
  
• Visits to the friend's house for distraction: 2
• Parties hosted: 1
• Parties attended: 3
• Parties planned to host: 2
  
• Breakdown days: 1

There's no rest for the not-yet-weary but slowly wearing down. Having a cookie party tonight. Then I have knitting group tomorrow. Then Crazy Blind Date on thursday. Saturday I'm sorting presents with the frat brothers. Sunday - I'm really hiking...and maybe having the posse over for dinner. I have gotten into the entertaining thing. I LOVE it.

I am, however, exhausted. And eating poorly. And using all of this as a way to not feel or think or do.

But I'm fabulous. So it's okay, right? I'm having fun. There's no balance to my life, but I'm having fun. Does it matter? It kinda scares me when I'm not thinking about things. When I'm not planning out how to deal with stuff. The little voice in my head tells me I should be thinking harder, be more worried, more stressed. It tells me that my breakdown last week could happen again. That it could be worse. That it will be worse. Logically - the voice is probably right. But I don't have the energy to be fabulous and feel fabulous at the same time. I'd get even less sleep if I was to try to cook and clean and do all that other stuff. So I'm worried about that. I'm trying not to worry and to just go with it. But I know it's no good. I know what I need to be doing. I just need to find the time, energy, and inclination to do it. And still be fabulous

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 3

I've had a great couple of days.

My party was a great success. Pretty much everyone who said they were coming cameand more. There was enough food. I got the place clean. The guys managed to get a fire in the fire place outside. I drank ENTIRELY too much and didn't feel well for much of the day on Monday.

I have to say, my apartment looked fabulous. Here are some pictures:

Then Monday, I had the celebration dinner for the Girls, Inc fundraiser I worked on. Tuesday, I went on a date that was set up by crazyblinddate.com. It was ok - nothing special and no one I'd be dying to see again. Then I saw guy from a couple weeks ago. It's been established that he's a confirmed old (but how old? no one knows) bachelor. I think I'm fine with the direction of things. I think. Or at least most of the time I'm mostly fine with it. It was nice, again.

Last night was the Yelp Holiday party. It was fine, long lines for food and drink, but that was expected, so I was chill. It was nice meeting some people I knew only from reviews and their online personas. It was slightly disappointing, because I'd pictured some people in my head and my imagination was better than the reality. I looked great - will post pictures later.

So today, I crashed. Of course having a great couple of days meant that I was generally riding too high to remember to take my medicine. And today my mind is going like a carousel on crack. each of the horses is bouncing up and down and my mind is spinning - and I just wanna get off! If I could just slow it down. And focus on one thought at a time. But instead it's just zing zing zing. So today, I'm not fine with the direction of things. I just want someone who fucking wants ME. Doesn't want to just fuck me. Wants ME. Loves me. Of course I have overlydemanding, weird ideas about what love is. I probably couldn't handle a real relationship now if I could have one. I'm still in my deluded little world of self-sabotage.

And mom wants my thoughts on Chrristmas and she's trying so hard and I'm still crazy. I still don't know what I want from Christmas and she wants to know and wants me to meet the boyfriends kids. Oh my god - What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Do I actually have a choice?

I've been feeling like - for the last few days - there are times when I'm watching myself from outside myself. And I think: I can do this. I can be normal. I can socialize. I can be likable. I can trust people. I can like myself. I can trust myself. I can be happy. Why can't I belike that all the time. Why do I have to have days like today where I think I can't make decisions. Where I think that the decisions I make are bad. Where I think I'll be alone forever...or at least that I deserve to be alone forever because I'd ruin it otherwise.

But I can't let myself just stop and consider this. I'm seeing Dr. B next friday. Tonight I have tutoring and another crazyblinddate. Tomorrow is the Oakland Art Murmur and I'm helping with the Oaklandunwrapped.org booth. Saturday I'm mattress shopping and going to Lise's birthday party. Sunday is the yelp cookie exchange. I think I get a break next monday aund tuesday before the madness starts up again. I am going to sleep in on saturday, and try to get a hike in on sunday.

Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 2

So I'm taking a little break from cleaning, decorating, and cooking to say I'm having fun with this party planning, being domestic thing. I've got the tree just about decorated. The apartment is just about clean. And all I need is to start making the food.

And I've founda great dress to wear to the Yelp Holiday party. It's very "me" - fun, kinda sexy, but not predictable.

So - that's the updated...over and out