No one tells you...

No one tells you that when you pack up all your shit and move across country to a city where you don't know anyone that you may end up living there for a year and still not have any reliable friends. They don't tell you that you will be unable to make any fun plans - even a few days ahead - because you never know what will happen.

My friend/co-worker Ann flaked on going to the Giants game tonight. I've been wanting to go to a game all season but had been unable to find anyone to go with me. This being the last week of the season (the Giants suck and will not being going to the playoffs), she agreed on Wednesday to go. I put 2 view reserved tickets over the 3rd base line on my debit card and have been so excited about it. Then it rained today. It's just supposed to be cold and foggy today (when isn't it), but she doesn't want to go. I texted my one other friend - nope, he doesn't either.

I've never had tons of friends. I'm too introverted and untrusting for that. I've always had my few close friends - wherever I am - and that's it. That's always been enough. Just 5 or 6 people who I could generally count on to keep me entertained and in good company whenever I was feeling like it. Which really isn't all that often. I've tried here. Joined things. Gone to random happy hours. Genuinely made an effort to be social and friendly - to build a network. For nothing. For a year later to be sitting here with $60 of tickets and no one to go with.

It wasn't always perfect in DC. Lord knows I had more than my share of lonely days. But let's face it - they were more than likely my own fault...the result of enjoying being isolated and being terrified that if I didn't inflict my own isolation, I may be isolated by the rest of the world anyway because why would anyone actually want to be in my company, right?

And so now - despite my efforts and good intentions - I'm still alone. The horrible negative voice in my head - the one I have worked so hard this year to shut off...regardless of everything that has happened - is having it's own little celebratory party. Reminding me of all the reasons why I don't have friends. Reminding me why it's not worth it to even try. It was so much easier to be lonely when I didn't want or need anything else. But now, really? What is the point? For whatever reason - I just don't have what everyone else has or gets or whatever. I don't know how they do it. How do they get friends? How do other peoeple get to be so happy with their lives?

This is what no one tells you. That the world isn't fair. That some people will get happily ever after. And some of us will get shit. That no matter what you can't change what group you're in. And that when you think you have, when you've worked your ass off and try your hardest, you're still not going to change your fate.