Just when I get you out of my head and my heart and my life.
Just when I think that it's possible that there could be
someone
else
(possible - you know - likely)
That eventually
I could
find
someone else.
Just when that idea enters my realm of possibility
because you have finally vacated that property in my head and my heart and my
everything,
You stop for a visit.
You sit down on my couch.
And I am suddenly reminded that
Just when
I thought all your belongings were gone
you are still,
in fact,
at home here
with me
in my head and heart and everything
And
Just when I think that I have no choice
but
to let you stay
I remember
that
Just when I let you in
you left
and
Just when I thought it was safe
to be open
to be alive
I start to question
if
I want to be open and alive
without you
Can I be
open and alive without you?
And
Just when I
realize
that I can
You come for a visit.
But don't get comfortable
because
just when
you think that you're here to stay.
It's likely
(likely - you know - possible)
that I will
kick you out
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
A funny thing happened...
...This weekend.
Friday, I was drained when I got home. I went to see Dr. B. for the first time since June. We played catch up with mom stuff and a little on the why-doesn't-any-one-want-to-date-my stuff. Which are both a little an issue of me being more confident that I am enough. Fabulous enough. Or just enough enough to feel secure. That I'm enough for mom to love and be fine with the space in her life that she offers me - while creating space for and with other people.
It was a lot. It's still a lot. It brings up a lot. Because it challenges everything I "know". Every inch of my personal knowledge tells me that there is a way to constantly be "better' or "more". Every experience - at least to me - points to possibility to be more. So that I'd be loved more and whatever.
So after all that Friday, I climbed in bed around 5 and ate some nachos (made with Tina's lardy chips - yum). I sent as close to a "please save me from spending the rest of the night crying" text as possible - it was something like, Wassup? I don't know. The first person to reply was Ralph. Yes, he is a little strange. But I think he's more lonely and eccentric (and maybe a little oddly socialized), but he's pleasant enough to be around. He can form complete sentences. We can share experiences of being highly educated suburbanesque black folks. I felt better once I was out and dressed. Sushi of course helped as did the wine.
Saturday was busy busy busy. And bizarre. I was drving down 580 to go to Milpitas to sort gifts for the Family Giving Tree program. As I was trying to maneuver through traffic, I looked over to see a good looking man driving a Jetta (my favorite car). We continued to exchange looks while passing each other for the next few miles. Something came over me as I was driving and I realized that I had crayons in my car. So I used the crayon to as neatly as possible write my number and held it to the window. He couldn't read it, so we eventually pulled off at an exit, exchanged numbers and names and have been texting since.
Big steps for me. Fun steps. Funny steps. But good.
Friday, I was drained when I got home. I went to see Dr. B. for the first time since June. We played catch up with mom stuff and a little on the why-doesn't-any-one-want-to-date-my stuff. Which are both a little an issue of me being more confident that I am enough. Fabulous enough. Or just enough enough to feel secure. That I'm enough for mom to love and be fine with the space in her life that she offers me - while creating space for and with other people.
It was a lot. It's still a lot. It brings up a lot. Because it challenges everything I "know". Every inch of my personal knowledge tells me that there is a way to constantly be "better' or "more". Every experience - at least to me - points to possibility to be more. So that I'd be loved more and whatever.
So after all that Friday, I climbed in bed around 5 and ate some nachos (made with Tina's lardy chips - yum). I sent as close to a "please save me from spending the rest of the night crying" text as possible - it was something like, Wassup? I don't know. The first person to reply was Ralph. Yes, he is a little strange. But I think he's more lonely and eccentric (and maybe a little oddly socialized), but he's pleasant enough to be around. He can form complete sentences. We can share experiences of being highly educated suburbanesque black folks. I felt better once I was out and dressed. Sushi of course helped as did the wine.
Saturday was busy busy busy. And bizarre. I was drving down 580 to go to Milpitas to sort gifts for the Family Giving Tree program. As I was trying to maneuver through traffic, I looked over to see a good looking man driving a Jetta (my favorite car). We continued to exchange looks while passing each other for the next few miles. Something came over me as I was driving and I realized that I had crayons in my car. So I used the crayon to as neatly as possible write my number and held it to the window. He couldn't read it, so we eventually pulled off at an exit, exchanged numbers and names and have been texting since.
Big steps for me. Fun steps. Funny steps. But good.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
truly happy for you?
Two of my friends bought houses this week. I'm not sure how I feel about it...a little jealous, a little more happy, a little relieved that if someone else is following the prescribed course I can do my own thing.
I'm jealous that they have a 15% downpayment on a house and parents to makeup the difference to 20%. I keep reminding myself that when you start out even, or ahead as is largely the case here, that kind of stuff is possible. I don't want to sound like these friends don't "work" but bought my first car. I'm going to be paying for my degree forever. I don't need to think about accepting any gift from family cause anything is better than nothing.
I'm happy for them. Mostly cause their happy. And you should be happy when you're friends are happy. But I'm relieved its not me. I'm not ready for all that. I'd love to have a larger space. And hopefully soon (ok, realistically in about 10 years unless I marry REALLY well), I'll be able to afford a little condo. But the idea of being married and owning a house and having that kind of an albatross sounds kinda sucky to me. I know - I'm the very person saying I want to get married. Maybe I don't know what I want.
I'm jealous that they have a 15% downpayment on a house and parents to makeup the difference to 20%. I keep reminding myself that when you start out even, or ahead as is largely the case here, that kind of stuff is possible. I don't want to sound like these friends don't "work" but bought my first car. I'm going to be paying for my degree forever. I don't need to think about accepting any gift from family cause anything is better than nothing.
I'm happy for them. Mostly cause their happy. And you should be happy when you're friends are happy. But I'm relieved its not me. I'm not ready for all that. I'd love to have a larger space. And hopefully soon (ok, realistically in about 10 years unless I marry REALLY well), I'll be able to afford a little condo. But the idea of being married and owning a house and having that kind of an albatross sounds kinda sucky to me. I know - I'm the very person saying I want to get married. Maybe I don't know what I want.
A Realization...continued
Helpful Tip: When leaving, don't talk to me. Don't touch me. Don't make noise. Don't hum to yourself. Get dressed. Get your shit. AND LEAVE.
If you don't, the nearly 1/2 your age woman who is already having doubts about just sleeping with you may really start to question it. She may really have issues with the whole guy leaving thing. She may realize that she's just having "Fun" with someone who isn't nearly fabulous enough for her.
If you don't, the nearly 1/2 your age woman who is already having doubts about just sleeping with you may really start to question it. She may really have issues with the whole guy leaving thing. She may realize that she's just having "Fun" with someone who isn't nearly fabulous enough for her.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Realization...
Completely unrelated to most of what I've written recently - but I'd rather do the leaving than be left. And I'm not sure about how I feel about certain people not acknowledging my fabulosity.
That is all
That is all
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 4
My holidays so far - by the numbers:
I am, however, exhausted. And eating poorly. And using all of this as a way to not feel or think or do.
But I'm fabulous. So it's okay, right? I'm having fun. There's no balance to my life, but I'm having fun. Does it matter? It kinda scares me when I'm not thinking about things. When I'm not planning out how to deal with stuff. The little voice in my head tells me I should be thinking harder, be more worried, more stressed. It tells me that my breakdown last week could happen again. That it could be worse. That it will be worse. Logically - the voice is probably right. But I don't have the energy to be fabulous and feel fabulous at the same time. I'd get even less sleep if I was to try to cook and clean and do all that other stuff. So I'm worried about that. I'm trying not to worry and to just go with it. But I know it's no good. I know what I need to be doing. I just need to find the time, energy, and inclination to do it. And still be fabulous
- Cookies Made: 25 dozen+ (6 Dozen Pecan Bars, 12 Dozen Macaroons, About 100 (or more) bourbon balls, 1 batch of brownies with peppermint frozting)
- Drinks had: Several glasses of wine, 5 vodka tonics, a little bourbon straight
- Trips to the grocery store: 8 (plus a couple target runs)
- Kitchen equipment purchased: 4 (1 cookie sheet, 1 9x13 pan, 1 9x9 pan, 1 mixer)
- Clothing purchased: 1 new dress + accessories, 1 pair of pants, 2 pairs of pajamas with matching slippers
- Injuries: 1 pinky closed in car door
- Miles driven: about 500
- Guys picked up in bars: 1
- Weight gained: 5 real lbs (about 15 imaginary ones due to bloat)
- Visits to the friend's house for distraction: 2
- Parties hosted: 1
- Parties attended: 3
- Parties planned to host: 2
- Breakdown days: 1
I am, however, exhausted. And eating poorly. And using all of this as a way to not feel or think or do.
But I'm fabulous. So it's okay, right? I'm having fun. There's no balance to my life, but I'm having fun. Does it matter? It kinda scares me when I'm not thinking about things. When I'm not planning out how to deal with stuff. The little voice in my head tells me I should be thinking harder, be more worried, more stressed. It tells me that my breakdown last week could happen again. That it could be worse. That it will be worse. Logically - the voice is probably right. But I don't have the energy to be fabulous and feel fabulous at the same time. I'd get even less sleep if I was to try to cook and clean and do all that other stuff. So I'm worried about that. I'm trying not to worry and to just go with it. But I know it's no good. I know what I need to be doing. I just need to find the time, energy, and inclination to do it. And still be fabulous
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 3
I've had a great couple of days.
My party was a great success. Pretty much everyone who said they were coming cameand more. There was enough food. I got the place clean. The guys managed to get a fire in the fire place outside. I drank ENTIRELY too much and didn't feel well for much of the day on Monday.
I have to say, my apartment looked fabulous. Here are some pictures:
I've been feeling like - for the last few days - there are times when I'm watching myself from outside myself. And I think: I can do this. I can be normal. I can socialize. I can be likable. I can trust people. I can like myself. I can trust myself. I can be happy. Why can't I belike that all the time. Why do I have to have days like today where I think I can't make decisions. Where I think that the decisions I make are bad. Where I think I'll be alone forever...or at least that I deserve to be alone forever because I'd ruin it otherwise.
But I can't let myself just stop and consider this. I'm seeing Dr. B next friday. Tonight I have tutoring and another crazyblinddate. Tomorrow is the Oakland Art Murmur and I'm helping with the Oaklandunwrapped.org booth. Saturday I'm mattress shopping and going to Lise's birthday party. Sunday is the yelp cookie exchange. I think I get a break next monday aund tuesday before the madness starts up again. I am going to sleep in on saturday, and try to get a hike in on sunday.
My party was a great success. Pretty much everyone who said they were coming cameand more. There was enough food. I got the place clean. The guys managed to get a fire in the fire place outside. I drank ENTIRELY too much and didn't feel well for much of the day on Monday.
I have to say, my apartment looked fabulous. Here are some pictures:
Then Monday, I had the celebration dinner for the Girls, Inc fundraiser I worked on. Tuesday, I went on a date that was set up by crazyblinddate.com. It was ok - nothing special and no one I'd be dying to see again. Then I saw guy from a couple weeks ago. It's been established that he's a confirmed old (but how old? no one knows) bachelor. I think I'm fine with the direction of things. I think. Or at least most of the time I'm mostly fine with it. It was nice, again.
Last night was the Yelp Holiday party. It was fine, long lines for food and drink, but that was expected, so I was chill. It was nice meeting some people I knew only from reviews and their online personas. It was slightly disappointing, because I'd pictured some people in my head and my imagination was better than the reality. I looked great - will post pictures later.
So today, I crashed. Of course having a great couple of days meant that I was generally riding too high to remember to take my medicine. And today my mind is going like a carousel on crack. each of the horses is bouncing up and down and my mind is spinning - and I just wanna get off! If I could just slow it down. And focus on one thought at a time. But instead it's just zing zing zing. So today, I'm not fine with the direction of things. I just want someone who fucking wants ME. Doesn't want to just fuck me. Wants ME. Loves me. Of course I have overlydemanding, weird ideas about what love is. I probably couldn't handle a real relationship now if I could have one. I'm still in my deluded little world of self-sabotage.
And mom wants my thoughts on Chrristmas and she's trying so hard and I'm still crazy. I still don't know what I want from Christmas and she wants to know and wants me to meet the boyfriends kids. Oh my god - What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Do I actually have a choice?
Last night was the Yelp Holiday party. It was fine, long lines for food and drink, but that was expected, so I was chill. It was nice meeting some people I knew only from reviews and their online personas. It was slightly disappointing, because I'd pictured some people in my head and my imagination was better than the reality. I looked great - will post pictures later.
So today, I crashed. Of course having a great couple of days meant that I was generally riding too high to remember to take my medicine. And today my mind is going like a carousel on crack. each of the horses is bouncing up and down and my mind is spinning - and I just wanna get off! If I could just slow it down. And focus on one thought at a time. But instead it's just zing zing zing. So today, I'm not fine with the direction of things. I just want someone who fucking wants ME. Doesn't want to just fuck me. Wants ME. Loves me. Of course I have overlydemanding, weird ideas about what love is. I probably couldn't handle a real relationship now if I could have one. I'm still in my deluded little world of self-sabotage.
And mom wants my thoughts on Chrristmas and she's trying so hard and I'm still crazy. I still don't know what I want from Christmas and she wants to know and wants me to meet the boyfriends kids. Oh my god - What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Do I actually have a choice?
I've been feeling like - for the last few days - there are times when I'm watching myself from outside myself. And I think: I can do this. I can be normal. I can socialize. I can be likable. I can trust people. I can like myself. I can trust myself. I can be happy. Why can't I belike that all the time. Why do I have to have days like today where I think I can't make decisions. Where I think that the decisions I make are bad. Where I think I'll be alone forever...or at least that I deserve to be alone forever because I'd ruin it otherwise.
But I can't let myself just stop and consider this. I'm seeing Dr. B next friday. Tonight I have tutoring and another crazyblinddate. Tomorrow is the Oakland Art Murmur and I'm helping with the Oaklandunwrapped.org booth. Saturday I'm mattress shopping and going to Lise's birthday party. Sunday is the yelp cookie exchange. I think I get a break next monday aund tuesday before the madness starts up again. I am going to sleep in on saturday, and try to get a hike in on sunday.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 2
So I'm taking a little break from cleaning, decorating, and cooking to say I'm having fun with this party planning, being domestic thing. I've got the tree just about decorated. The apartment is just about clean. And all I need is to start making the food.
And I've founda great dress to wear to the Yelp Holiday party. It's very "me" - fun, kinda sexy, but not predictable.
So - that's the updated...over and out
And I've founda great dress to wear to the Yelp Holiday party. It's very "me" - fun, kinda sexy, but not predictable.
So - that's the updated...over and out
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Brilliant and Fabulous: The Holidays, Pt. 1
So the last few posts haven't been too terribly brilliant or fabulous. But the reality is that you can't be brilliant and fabulous all the time...and if you've figured out a way to be brilliant and fabulous all the time, please share.
Anyway - I'm now knee deep in planning my first Christmas party. Right now, 10-15 of my friends will be descending on my apartment on Sunday afternoon. How, you wonder, can I have 10-15 people in my shoebox? Well, luckily my house has 2 decks with combined square footage that's larger than my little place and since I live in California, the weather is nice enough to do a Sunday afternoon shindig outdoors.
Nevertheless, I've been preparing my little home for the event.
I've put up a Christmas tree (2 actually, but one is a table top) and even purchased and decorated a wreath for my front door. There's something funny that happens to you when you realize that you've a) bought a wreath, b) you've bought an un-pre-decorated wreath, and c) you're disappointed that Michael's doesn't have white feathers for your wreath (you do, however, draw the line at scouring other craft stores for the feathers). I've also tasked myself to getting my apartment clean in time. AH! that's the real test - or rather, cleaning it this early in the week and committing to keeping it clean till Sunday. I've also planned a small menu of hors d'oeuvres and am still perplexed as to what drinks to serve.
Anyway, updates and pictures from the event will be posted.
Anyway - I'm now knee deep in planning my first Christmas party. Right now, 10-15 of my friends will be descending on my apartment on Sunday afternoon. How, you wonder, can I have 10-15 people in my shoebox? Well, luckily my house has 2 decks with combined square footage that's larger than my little place and since I live in California, the weather is nice enough to do a Sunday afternoon shindig outdoors.
Nevertheless, I've been preparing my little home for the event.
I've put up a Christmas tree (2 actually, but one is a table top) and even purchased and decorated a wreath for my front door. There's something funny that happens to you when you realize that you've a) bought a wreath, b) you've bought an un-pre-decorated wreath, and c) you're disappointed that Michael's doesn't have white feathers for your wreath (you do, however, draw the line at scouring other craft stores for the feathers). I've also tasked myself to getting my apartment clean in time. AH! that's the real test - or rather, cleaning it this early in the week and committing to keeping it clean till Sunday. I've also planned a small menu of hors d'oeuvres and am still perplexed as to what drinks to serve.Anyway, updates and pictures from the event will be posted.
Friday, November 23, 2007
Round 2
I would guess that 3 out of every 5 visits I have with my mom end up with us having the same argument. I don't even know if it's an argument. Logically - no. There's no way to win it or lose it, but we aren't communicating. At all.
I don't know how the argument starts. And then we're in it. Usually the phrases coming from me are about her marrying my ex-stepdad...and how he (to put it nicely) wasn't the nicest person ever, but she stayed because he made sure we could keep our life in the 'burbs. From her - it goes in the direction of "Fine, I'm a horrible mother and you hate me". Words I never actually say. Then she says, "I'm sick of you dumping on me and I don't know how to make you happy. Would you have been happy if we were poor?"
Usually this argument just dies out. But lately it's gotten worse and worse and worse.
I don't know how to explain it. I don't know anything...or I don't know much at least.
This is what I know...
I don't hate my mom. Or at least I'm pretty sure (like 99%) that I don't. Do I get annoyed? yes. Do I resent certain decisions that she's made that affected my life? yes. But I don't "hate" her.
I feel conflicted about my stepdad and our life with him. It would be so much easier if he was always an asshole. But he wasn't. There were times when he was genuinely nice. And fun. God, most of the kids at school, especially in elementary school LOVED him. He was funny, and entertaining. But he was also cruel and demanding and demeaning. Yes, he would (sometimes) defend my messy room. But other times, be blindingly angry about it. His standards were high and constantly shifting. It was always hard to know exactly what was expected of me...If not perfection than something close? I needed to be smarter, more talented at everything, more athletic. Towards the end of high school, especially junior year, he became more and more erratic - at least in my memory. And harder and harder to please.
I know at least that I had a great childhood from the perspective of someone trying to build an "ideal" child. Great school,, great neighborhood, great extracurricular activities, smiling supportive parents. But the other side was really hard. I can't play "what-if". I probably would still suffer from depression no matter where or with whom I was raised. But it's too much in my head to say: what if I'd had parents who noticed when I started sliding, who would have pushed harder for me to recognize my issues. What if I didn't have someone whose behavior was unpredictable as a stepdad - whose love wasn't predicated on some unattainable bar and traded for insults and yells? Who knows - I can't do that. I'm here. I'm here with the background that I had.
Stability scares me but I want it. The sound of garage doors still makes my heart race. I don't hear them too often any more. But if I picture it...yeah. I want to look around and start scrambling to make sure nothing is wrong....like I did for most of my adolescence. When he'd come home, you'd never know what personality you were going to get. There would be days and weeks at a time when things would go well and then BLAM! something, someone would set him off and there was no way of predicting it. The day to day yoyo is still what I expect. And I suspect that I create my own bad days just because having too many good ones in a row is too uncomfortable.
But more than that - the last few years have...I can;t think of a non idiotic sounding metaphor. When you go away to college, you go away knowing that somethings and some people will change. But for me, I feel like EVERYTHING is always changing. There's this shifting definition of "home" that has now basically disappeared. I went home for thanksgiving freshman year...and things were normal. By Christmas, my parents were deciding to separate. By spring break, my stepdad wasn't living in our house. By summer break we didn't have that house. By the next thanksgiving we had yet another new house. Then was the first Christmas without my stepdad...who BTW had stolen a lot of our Christmas decorations. But things were kinda consistent for a while. There was a groove. Then there was another move - I don't even remember when that one happened. That was the first one where my room wasn't really my room any more. It was now the guest room where some of my things were. Now Mom lives in Chicago. And that's a really good thing for her. REALLY good. But I don't have a room there. I sleep on the couch. Or if someone else is visiting, I sleep with mom in her room. I have no clothes there. I brought this up last night when we were talking and she acted like I was out of my mind for wanting a drawer a corner whatever. But it's not really just that. All of our family is still in Evansville. My 1 friend, Sarah, is in Evansville. I can't drive in Chicago cause mom has a fleet car that's not insured for me to drive. She offers me hangers to hang my clothes when I'm there. But mostly I live out of my suitcase. That has to remain hidden (along with any of my other belongings. It's not home. It's where she lives. I get it. It's a small space and she's a neat freak. But it is not comforting to have to hear constantly... can you put this (referring to my purse, my totebag...whatever) somewhere. Or to have to climb in and out of the space behind a chair just to get a book.
I can't describe how this all makes me feel. There are things and places that you count on. Even when you move thousands of miles away - you...or at least I never thought that it would all disappear and I wouldnt get to say good bye. I know my mom still(?) grieves over the loss of our house. I don't think she knows that I do, too. And more than just the house, I hate knowing, now, that I have no place to run to. There's no home for me anywhere.
So now as my friends get married and buy houses. It kinda freaks me out. Aren't they afraid of what could happen? What if they need/want to move quickly? Don't they realize that 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce? I'm so jealous that they are so confident that things won't change - or if they do it will be for the better. Or at least something they can handle. I want that. I want that, but I can't stop looking for the emergency exit because I know something will go wrong. Or that I'll need the emergency exit when I create something to go wrong.
I'll do whatever, just don't leave me The question I hate the most from nosy people is: so you're close to your mom, where does your dad live? Well...my father. The man who contributed 1/2 of my genetic makeup...including my butt, my eye shape and my messy tendencies...lives in Evansville. Yes, I was 20 minutes away from him most of my life and really only saw him a handful of times from age 6 (7?) to 17. I have a "younger brother" who is 16? 17? who knows. And my stepfather. The man I called dad. The man who I always thought would give me away at my wedding. The man who fussed at me to wear more clothes to prom. And dropped me off at college. He left me, too. The irrational in me still wonders what I could have done to keep either or both of them from not wanting me. Especially my father. I'm a good person. I was a great kid. Everyone in TOWN said that. But he didn't want me. And I know that there was no way to please my stepdad 40-50% of the time, but I tried. And he left me, too. What makes it worse is that my father was always involved in his son's life. And from when I used to talk to him (years ago) the son wasn't as smart as I. Or as cute. Or told as often how great he was - cause damnit I pushed myself to be great at everything. And chose that kid - and never wanted me.
And now - there's nothing mom can say to convince me that with the right offer I won't be traded in for the newer, better, less screwed up version. She thinks that I'm crazy because I pick up on the stupidest littlest things...and make them mean a lot. But I just still wanna know that I matter. That I won't be replaced. That I'm remembered when an evite goes out about an event that I should be invited to. And I know that's my crazy...not her's. But I don't know what to do about it. The rejection/replacement that I feel about her marriage to my stepdad is something that I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to trust that I'm good enough. Or not even that. Just trust that she actually loves me. But I don't know. I don't know what that feels like. I am so afraid of losing her. I am so afraid that she will change her mind about me. realistically 25 years after the fact, it's a little hard to say: screw it, I change my mind, I don't want this daughter. But she could. How do I deal with this? Without being this whiny, needy brat. That she seems to be growing to hate - which will just give her reason to replace me.
In the absence of actual feelings and thoughts...This spring, I saw a therapist who does psychodynamic counseling, as opposed to cognitive behavioral therapy. I wussed out and didn't see her past the intake. I was happy at that point. The wellbutrin had kicked in. I was kicking ass at doing the thought control thing....and she wanted me to start...feeling. She said that I was afraid (? - uncomfortable? unable?) to feel. As she witnessed me falling apart just trying to reach in and explain what was going on in my head/heart, she said that it was obvious that I was so ashamed to feel that I always hid it. She recommended that I come see her once or twice a week...to learn how to feel. And I didn't want to do that at that time. Damnit, I was happy. I didn't need to feel. I'd been feeling for all these years - and I didn't want to feel anythign else. And honestly I don't feel anything else. I keep trying to force myself to think of specific words to describe how I feel. Cause I'm not sad - all the time at least. I'm happy. maybe, sometimes. But those are toddler, preschool emotions. Not real ones. In the last 24 hours or so, I've tried to actually identify how I feel. Some of what's above is a step forward. But today I found a website that says that true emotional literacy means stating how you feel in 3 word sentences
So to be specific...
I feel discouraged. I feel disconnected. I feel rejected. I feel unworthy and inadequate. I feel needy. I feel scared. I feel confused. I feel uncertain. I feel ignored. I feel vulnerable
Last night, I thought about the discussion that started the first time we had this argument this week - Christmas plans and what I really wanted to do for Thanksgiving. I went home for Thanksgiving because mom wanted it. Or at least that's what I thought. I liked the quiet thanksgiving. I liked hosting it at my house. There was something even about Thanksgiving with me and Christmas with her - our family is the 2 of us...holidays should be shared between the 2 homes right? But she'd invited my uncle up. And had accused me of wanting to "keep her from people". So I didn't say: I like our tradition. Why are we changing it? I had the opportunity to go to Oregon to visit a friend, but I went to her. Because I thought that was what she wanted. And it was. Or not? Or she wanted to go to my aunt's house. But she doesn't want me to feel guilted. but she wants me to want to go to my aunt's house because she wants to go. AHHHHH!!!!! And it's no wonder I don't know what thoughts are in my head. I'm the most frustrating friend ever because I can never make a decision. I hate picking out the restuarant. I hate being the first to order, because I don't want to pick something more expensive than anyone else (lest they judge me). I don't pick the movie. My most common answers to questions of preference are: "I don't know" and "It doesn't matter". Or to poll my friends. Even if it's a decision about me - my hair. I get sooooo many inputs and ruminate for days before making a decision. Hell - I can't even buy a toaster oven without becoming stressed. Now some of that is probably me just being silly. But I'd much rather outsource decision making to others to keep the peace or to just make things faster. I try to guess their intentions/wants/expectations. Sometimes the outcome is fine with me. Sometimes it isn't. And mom made it abundantly clear that my indecision is annoying (to say the least) to others.
So last night, I tried to think - in the absence of expectation, what do I want to do for Christmas? I still can't think of a focused answer to that. I can see images of old Christmases that were good. But I can't have that. And I keep wanting to inject logic into any way that we could possibly translate those old images into something current. I keep remembering a Christmas - or maybe I've created a composite of a couple different ones - It was maybe 4th 5th or 6th grade or maybe older, but no...it seems like it really was 6th grade. I think. That was the year I got my CD player for Christmas, and the order of events makes sense for it to be that year. We had Chinese food for dinner Christmas Eve. We read the Christmas story from the Bible. We opened our presents. In the morning, I had 1 or 2 from Santa. Did we have breakfast? I think that was the year I got an espresso maker (yes I was a weird 11 year old...just think, this was PREstarbucks) - I thnk I fooled around with that...who cares. I just remember it was mellow. We had dinner at Aunt Ann's? We exchanged presents. Uncle Bob gave me the Des'ree CD.
But what does that mean for now? Do we eat Chinese food at Aunt Sharon's house on Christmas eve? When do we drive down to evansville? Will it even be the same?
At this point, given the way things were left with mom, the question may be completely invalid...
Finally, Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I don't call people. I only occasionally return calls. I usually have the intention to - but I never know what to talk about. What to say. What do theey want to hear? More than that - for someone who is afraid of being rejected, I make it pretty easy for me to be forgotten/ignored. I was told earlier this year that I am distant. That person later said that it was funny...cause I always seemed so cool, but with a little (or a lot) of digging the truth and my true feelings were there. In the last few weeks/months, I've gotten really good at being social. And I still keep people at arm's length or further. I don't call home or old friends or family because what would I say? they say: how are you? I say: tired? lonely? confused about what the guy I hooked up with saturday really wants? Why sit on the phone and have a superficial conversation? I don't know what the point of this paragraph is. I should call people. I should stay in touch. And I'll try.
Anyway - I feel better. A little after typing this. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight - and rest. I'm posting this. And sending the link to my mom. I hope this helps(?). I don't know any more. I just know that more often than not - I actually put what I'm thinking/feeling in this blog. Or at least provide an accurate account of what's going on in my life. I know it's kinda one sided for me to write this looonnng diatribe. But she and I don't talk. Or we talk and don't listen to each other. We're so accustomed to what we think the other is going to say.
But no matter what it helped me to write this. I don't know what the next step is. I've contacted my therapist. Maybe there's a class, like my depression class, about relating to people? Maybe I actually need the psychodynamic counseling (though I'd rather not)? All I know is I'm tired. How do normal people go around feeling all the time? I now "get" why people use drugs. No, I'm not going to go find drugs. But if there's something that would just even me out then that would be nice.
I don't know how the argument starts. And then we're in it. Usually the phrases coming from me are about her marrying my ex-stepdad...and how he (to put it nicely) wasn't the nicest person ever, but she stayed because he made sure we could keep our life in the 'burbs. From her - it goes in the direction of "Fine, I'm a horrible mother and you hate me". Words I never actually say. Then she says, "I'm sick of you dumping on me and I don't know how to make you happy. Would you have been happy if we were poor?"
Usually this argument just dies out. But lately it's gotten worse and worse and worse.
I don't know how to explain it. I don't know anything...or I don't know much at least.
This is what I know...
I don't hate my mom. Or at least I'm pretty sure (like 99%) that I don't. Do I get annoyed? yes. Do I resent certain decisions that she's made that affected my life? yes. But I don't "hate" her.
I feel conflicted about my stepdad and our life with him. It would be so much easier if he was always an asshole. But he wasn't. There were times when he was genuinely nice. And fun. God, most of the kids at school, especially in elementary school LOVED him. He was funny, and entertaining. But he was also cruel and demanding and demeaning. Yes, he would (sometimes) defend my messy room. But other times, be blindingly angry about it. His standards were high and constantly shifting. It was always hard to know exactly what was expected of me...If not perfection than something close? I needed to be smarter, more talented at everything, more athletic. Towards the end of high school, especially junior year, he became more and more erratic - at least in my memory. And harder and harder to please.
I know at least that I had a great childhood from the perspective of someone trying to build an "ideal" child. Great school,, great neighborhood, great extracurricular activities, smiling supportive parents. But the other side was really hard. I can't play "what-if". I probably would still suffer from depression no matter where or with whom I was raised. But it's too much in my head to say: what if I'd had parents who noticed when I started sliding, who would have pushed harder for me to recognize my issues. What if I didn't have someone whose behavior was unpredictable as a stepdad - whose love wasn't predicated on some unattainable bar and traded for insults and yells? Who knows - I can't do that. I'm here. I'm here with the background that I had.
Stability scares me but I want it. The sound of garage doors still makes my heart race. I don't hear them too often any more. But if I picture it...yeah. I want to look around and start scrambling to make sure nothing is wrong....like I did for most of my adolescence. When he'd come home, you'd never know what personality you were going to get. There would be days and weeks at a time when things would go well and then BLAM! something, someone would set him off and there was no way of predicting it. The day to day yoyo is still what I expect. And I suspect that I create my own bad days just because having too many good ones in a row is too uncomfortable.
But more than that - the last few years have...I can;t think of a non idiotic sounding metaphor. When you go away to college, you go away knowing that somethings and some people will change. But for me, I feel like EVERYTHING is always changing. There's this shifting definition of "home" that has now basically disappeared. I went home for thanksgiving freshman year...and things were normal. By Christmas, my parents were deciding to separate. By spring break, my stepdad wasn't living in our house. By summer break we didn't have that house. By the next thanksgiving we had yet another new house. Then was the first Christmas without my stepdad...who BTW had stolen a lot of our Christmas decorations. But things were kinda consistent for a while. There was a groove. Then there was another move - I don't even remember when that one happened. That was the first one where my room wasn't really my room any more. It was now the guest room where some of my things were. Now Mom lives in Chicago. And that's a really good thing for her. REALLY good. But I don't have a room there. I sleep on the couch. Or if someone else is visiting, I sleep with mom in her room. I have no clothes there. I brought this up last night when we were talking and she acted like I was out of my mind for wanting a drawer a corner whatever. But it's not really just that. All of our family is still in Evansville. My 1 friend, Sarah, is in Evansville. I can't drive in Chicago cause mom has a fleet car that's not insured for me to drive. She offers me hangers to hang my clothes when I'm there. But mostly I live out of my suitcase. That has to remain hidden (along with any of my other belongings. It's not home. It's where she lives. I get it. It's a small space and she's a neat freak. But it is not comforting to have to hear constantly... can you put this (referring to my purse, my totebag...whatever) somewhere. Or to have to climb in and out of the space behind a chair just to get a book.
I can't describe how this all makes me feel. There are things and places that you count on. Even when you move thousands of miles away - you...or at least I never thought that it would all disappear and I wouldnt get to say good bye. I know my mom still(?) grieves over the loss of our house. I don't think she knows that I do, too. And more than just the house, I hate knowing, now, that I have no place to run to. There's no home for me anywhere.
So now as my friends get married and buy houses. It kinda freaks me out. Aren't they afraid of what could happen? What if they need/want to move quickly? Don't they realize that 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce? I'm so jealous that they are so confident that things won't change - or if they do it will be for the better. Or at least something they can handle. I want that. I want that, but I can't stop looking for the emergency exit because I know something will go wrong. Or that I'll need the emergency exit when I create something to go wrong.
I'll do whatever, just don't leave me The question I hate the most from nosy people is: so you're close to your mom, where does your dad live? Well...my father. The man who contributed 1/2 of my genetic makeup...including my butt, my eye shape and my messy tendencies...lives in Evansville. Yes, I was 20 minutes away from him most of my life and really only saw him a handful of times from age 6 (7?) to 17. I have a "younger brother" who is 16? 17? who knows. And my stepfather. The man I called dad. The man who I always thought would give me away at my wedding. The man who fussed at me to wear more clothes to prom. And dropped me off at college. He left me, too. The irrational in me still wonders what I could have done to keep either or both of them from not wanting me. Especially my father. I'm a good person. I was a great kid. Everyone in TOWN said that. But he didn't want me. And I know that there was no way to please my stepdad 40-50% of the time, but I tried. And he left me, too. What makes it worse is that my father was always involved in his son's life. And from when I used to talk to him (years ago) the son wasn't as smart as I. Or as cute. Or told as often how great he was - cause damnit I pushed myself to be great at everything. And chose that kid - and never wanted me.
And now - there's nothing mom can say to convince me that with the right offer I won't be traded in for the newer, better, less screwed up version. She thinks that I'm crazy because I pick up on the stupidest littlest things...and make them mean a lot. But I just still wanna know that I matter. That I won't be replaced. That I'm remembered when an evite goes out about an event that I should be invited to. And I know that's my crazy...not her's. But I don't know what to do about it. The rejection/replacement that I feel about her marriage to my stepdad is something that I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to trust that I'm good enough. Or not even that. Just trust that she actually loves me. But I don't know. I don't know what that feels like. I am so afraid of losing her. I am so afraid that she will change her mind about me. realistically 25 years after the fact, it's a little hard to say: screw it, I change my mind, I don't want this daughter. But she could. How do I deal with this? Without being this whiny, needy brat. That she seems to be growing to hate - which will just give her reason to replace me.
In the absence of actual feelings and thoughts...This spring, I saw a therapist who does psychodynamic counseling, as opposed to cognitive behavioral therapy. I wussed out and didn't see her past the intake. I was happy at that point. The wellbutrin had kicked in. I was kicking ass at doing the thought control thing....and she wanted me to start...feeling. She said that I was afraid (? - uncomfortable? unable?) to feel. As she witnessed me falling apart just trying to reach in and explain what was going on in my head/heart, she said that it was obvious that I was so ashamed to feel that I always hid it. She recommended that I come see her once or twice a week...to learn how to feel. And I didn't want to do that at that time. Damnit, I was happy. I didn't need to feel. I'd been feeling for all these years - and I didn't want to feel anythign else. And honestly I don't feel anything else. I keep trying to force myself to think of specific words to describe how I feel. Cause I'm not sad - all the time at least. I'm happy. maybe, sometimes. But those are toddler, preschool emotions. Not real ones. In the last 24 hours or so, I've tried to actually identify how I feel. Some of what's above is a step forward. But today I found a website that says that true emotional literacy means stating how you feel in 3 word sentences
So to be specific...
I feel discouraged. I feel disconnected. I feel rejected. I feel unworthy and inadequate. I feel needy. I feel scared. I feel confused. I feel uncertain. I feel ignored. I feel vulnerable
Last night, I thought about the discussion that started the first time we had this argument this week - Christmas plans and what I really wanted to do for Thanksgiving. I went home for Thanksgiving because mom wanted it. Or at least that's what I thought. I liked the quiet thanksgiving. I liked hosting it at my house. There was something even about Thanksgiving with me and Christmas with her - our family is the 2 of us...holidays should be shared between the 2 homes right? But she'd invited my uncle up. And had accused me of wanting to "keep her from people". So I didn't say: I like our tradition. Why are we changing it? I had the opportunity to go to Oregon to visit a friend, but I went to her. Because I thought that was what she wanted. And it was. Or not? Or she wanted to go to my aunt's house. But she doesn't want me to feel guilted. but she wants me to want to go to my aunt's house because she wants to go. AHHHHH!!!!! And it's no wonder I don't know what thoughts are in my head. I'm the most frustrating friend ever because I can never make a decision. I hate picking out the restuarant. I hate being the first to order, because I don't want to pick something more expensive than anyone else (lest they judge me). I don't pick the movie. My most common answers to questions of preference are: "I don't know" and "It doesn't matter". Or to poll my friends. Even if it's a decision about me - my hair. I get sooooo many inputs and ruminate for days before making a decision. Hell - I can't even buy a toaster oven without becoming stressed. Now some of that is probably me just being silly. But I'd much rather outsource decision making to others to keep the peace or to just make things faster. I try to guess their intentions/wants/expectations. Sometimes the outcome is fine with me. Sometimes it isn't. And mom made it abundantly clear that my indecision is annoying (to say the least) to others.
So last night, I tried to think - in the absence of expectation, what do I want to do for Christmas? I still can't think of a focused answer to that. I can see images of old Christmases that were good. But I can't have that. And I keep wanting to inject logic into any way that we could possibly translate those old images into something current. I keep remembering a Christmas - or maybe I've created a composite of a couple different ones - It was maybe 4th 5th or 6th grade or maybe older, but no...it seems like it really was 6th grade. I think. That was the year I got my CD player for Christmas, and the order of events makes sense for it to be that year. We had Chinese food for dinner Christmas Eve. We read the Christmas story from the Bible. We opened our presents. In the morning, I had 1 or 2 from Santa. Did we have breakfast? I think that was the year I got an espresso maker (yes I was a weird 11 year old...just think, this was PREstarbucks) - I thnk I fooled around with that...who cares. I just remember it was mellow. We had dinner at Aunt Ann's? We exchanged presents. Uncle Bob gave me the Des'ree CD.
But what does that mean for now? Do we eat Chinese food at Aunt Sharon's house on Christmas eve? When do we drive down to evansville? Will it even be the same?
At this point, given the way things were left with mom, the question may be completely invalid...
Finally, Distance makes the heart grow fonder? I don't call people. I only occasionally return calls. I usually have the intention to - but I never know what to talk about. What to say. What do theey want to hear? More than that - for someone who is afraid of being rejected, I make it pretty easy for me to be forgotten/ignored. I was told earlier this year that I am distant. That person later said that it was funny...cause I always seemed so cool, but with a little (or a lot) of digging the truth and my true feelings were there. In the last few weeks/months, I've gotten really good at being social. And I still keep people at arm's length or further. I don't call home or old friends or family because what would I say? they say: how are you? I say: tired? lonely? confused about what the guy I hooked up with saturday really wants? Why sit on the phone and have a superficial conversation? I don't know what the point of this paragraph is. I should call people. I should stay in touch. And I'll try.
Anyway - I feel better. A little after typing this. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep tonight - and rest. I'm posting this. And sending the link to my mom. I hope this helps(?). I don't know any more. I just know that more often than not - I actually put what I'm thinking/feeling in this blog. Or at least provide an accurate account of what's going on in my life. I know it's kinda one sided for me to write this looonnng diatribe. But she and I don't talk. Or we talk and don't listen to each other. We're so accustomed to what we think the other is going to say.
But no matter what it helped me to write this. I don't know what the next step is. I've contacted my therapist. Maybe there's a class, like my depression class, about relating to people? Maybe I actually need the psychodynamic counseling (though I'd rather not)? All I know is I'm tired. How do normal people go around feeling all the time? I now "get" why people use drugs. No, I'm not going to go find drugs. But if there's something that would just even me out then that would be nice.
Monday, November 19, 2007
The Holidays...
...Are here.
I had a lot going on last Christmas - in many many ways - which explained why I was stressed and anxious. Now - not so much. There's really little reason for me to feel the way I do right now.
Except for my crazy brain and heart. As I said in my last post, things are going well and not so well. I don't trust the well. Mom trusts the well. Mom is in love. Mom has a new boyfriend. The new boyfriend has kids. She wants to have one big happy family. Cause she's happy. I don't trust happy. Happily ever after is a fraud.
As is the idea of happy holidays. They were always sugar coated when I was growing up. We had this beautiful house and all the gifts and the party and the matching clothes. But there was always a fight or an argument or drama in the house.
And now - after years of that conditioning, I'm supposed to accept that this new man that seems great isn't going to be a complete asshole who leads my mom into leaving me high and dry and that this holiday is going to be great. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in February. I don't want to go through the next few months waiting for the inevitable fuck up. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain.
How do I not do this? How do I not fuck up my mom's happiness? Hell - how do I not fuck up my own happiness? Now that I'm moderately better at not thinking that I'm horrible, how do I expect better from life. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to believe in happily ever after. I deserve to have a happy holiday that is filled with friends and family, not the fear that it will all become unraveled. But how? Enough has happened this year for me to not entirely trust happily ever after. And for me to be significantly uncomfortable with just telling myself: "everything is going to be ok,". Everytime I've done that. Every time I've tried to "let go" - it ended badly. I like the control, the ease of the expected negative outcome. How do people live with thinking everything is rosy knowing damn well it probably won't be?
Of course I'm thinking this as I'm doing stupid, self-destructive stuff that will only make the inevitable bad even worse. If there were weapons involved in my internal conflicts, it would be bloody
I had a lot going on last Christmas - in many many ways - which explained why I was stressed and anxious. Now - not so much. There's really little reason for me to feel the way I do right now.
Except for my crazy brain and heart. As I said in my last post, things are going well and not so well. I don't trust the well. Mom trusts the well. Mom is in love. Mom has a new boyfriend. The new boyfriend has kids. She wants to have one big happy family. Cause she's happy. I don't trust happy. Happily ever after is a fraud.
As is the idea of happy holidays. They were always sugar coated when I was growing up. We had this beautiful house and all the gifts and the party and the matching clothes. But there was always a fight or an argument or drama in the house.
And now - after years of that conditioning, I'm supposed to accept that this new man that seems great isn't going to be a complete asshole who leads my mom into leaving me high and dry and that this holiday is going to be great. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in February. I don't want to go through the next few months waiting for the inevitable fuck up. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for the pain.
How do I not do this? How do I not fuck up my mom's happiness? Hell - how do I not fuck up my own happiness? Now that I'm moderately better at not thinking that I'm horrible, how do I expect better from life. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to believe in happily ever after. I deserve to have a happy holiday that is filled with friends and family, not the fear that it will all become unraveled. But how? Enough has happened this year for me to not entirely trust happily ever after. And for me to be significantly uncomfortable with just telling myself: "everything is going to be ok,". Everytime I've done that. Every time I've tried to "let go" - it ended badly. I like the control, the ease of the expected negative outcome. How do people live with thinking everything is rosy knowing damn well it probably won't be?
Of course I'm thinking this as I'm doing stupid, self-destructive stuff that will only make the inevitable bad even worse. If there were weapons involved in my internal conflicts, it would be bloody
1 step forward, x steps back
Not doing great. Not doing horribly, but not doing great. So many things are going well, that I feel ungrateful and unsettled about the not well stuff. I'm making friends and being social and making plans and being gutsy and when I'm doing that - I'm happy. I'm being quite awesome at that stuff. And then I get home, and my apartment is a mess, and all Iwant to do is eat ice cream and I'm lonely and pathetic. And I'm doing stupid stuff - like eating ice cream and staying up too late to go to 6Am spin and having too much to do after work to cook something real or workout and being fine with a guy only wanting me for sex because at least he wants me.
And apparently knowing that I'm being stupid and self destructive doesnt make me feel any better about being stupid and self destructive. I realize that they are my decisions. And I own them. I don't regret them. I just don't like them. The ice cream is great (yay haagen-dazs). The sex was (very) nice. I'm liking having time to be social and not stress about working out. Honestly there are 2 issues here. 1 is about balance - which was one of the last conversations I had with my therapist...I like losing weight, I like working out, but how do you do that and be social. I can only lose weight when I'm working out 2-3 hours for 4-5 days a week. And I need to be able to cook and plan and grocery shop. But I can't do that when EVERY evening I have something planned. And when the plans usually involve food. The second issue is that while I have a very full life right now, it's not enough. I just feel rejected. And it's even worse because I now have these great friends so I know that it's not that I'm completely hopeless, people seem to enjoy my company. They seem to want me around, to some degree at least. But no one wants me romantically. And I want that. I feel myself turning into this bitter and cynical and sad person every day. This person who is lonely and untrusting and unbelieving. And then I take it out on everyone around me. Cause I don;t understand why they have someone and I don't. What's wrong with me?
I know what the solutions to these issues are. Better planning and well...stop doing stupid stuff. But I don't want to. Well I'll attempt at the planning, but I'm enjoying having a life. I'm also (duh) enjoying the physical intimacy. It makes me feel like at least he wants me in that way...So I think I'm going to continue being stupid for a while.
And apparently knowing that I'm being stupid and self destructive doesnt make me feel any better about being stupid and self destructive. I realize that they are my decisions. And I own them. I don't regret them. I just don't like them. The ice cream is great (yay haagen-dazs). The sex was (very) nice. I'm liking having time to be social and not stress about working out. Honestly there are 2 issues here. 1 is about balance - which was one of the last conversations I had with my therapist...I like losing weight, I like working out, but how do you do that and be social. I can only lose weight when I'm working out 2-3 hours for 4-5 days a week. And I need to be able to cook and plan and grocery shop. But I can't do that when EVERY evening I have something planned. And when the plans usually involve food. The second issue is that while I have a very full life right now, it's not enough. I just feel rejected. And it's even worse because I now have these great friends so I know that it's not that I'm completely hopeless, people seem to enjoy my company. They seem to want me around, to some degree at least. But no one wants me romantically. And I want that. I feel myself turning into this bitter and cynical and sad person every day. This person who is lonely and untrusting and unbelieving. And then I take it out on everyone around me. Cause I don;t understand why they have someone and I don't. What's wrong with me?
I know what the solutions to these issues are. Better planning and well...stop doing stupid stuff. But I don't want to. Well I'll attempt at the planning, but I'm enjoying having a life. I'm also (duh) enjoying the physical intimacy. It makes me feel like at least he wants me in that way...So I think I'm going to continue being stupid for a while.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
The problem, btw
Incidentally, the possibility that people read your blog makes it a little hard to speak specifically about certain issues - so that's why my last post made no sense.
hmmmmmmmm....
So it's fall now. And all I really want to do is curl up somewhere and sleep for a while. I've been pretty successful at being social though, and that's what's saving and distracting me from a general feeling of bleh. I'm just feeling a little antsy and unsettled. I know what I need to do about it, but I just need to do it - better said than done, though right?
It's just that some parts of life are (for the time being) very lined up and are good. Other parts need attention and effort. I was reminded this week of hat happens wen you ignore it and think that it's gone away...the real emotions and needs come out and blindside you. But since the universe has one hell of a sense of humor things may change just as quickly - which amuses and pleases me, so I'm banking on that to make the changes I don't have the energy to make.
It's just that some parts of life are (for the time being) very lined up and are good. Other parts need attention and effort. I was reminded this week of hat happens wen you ignore it and think that it's gone away...the real emotions and needs come out and blindside you. But since the universe has one hell of a sense of humor things may change just as quickly - which amuses and pleases me, so I'm banking on that to make the changes I don't have the energy to make.
Monday, October 15, 2007
My lack of discipline is showing
It's been a while since I updated. I'm quite possibly one of the least disciplined people in the world. There's so much I want to do and even more that I have to do - so I end up jumping from idea to idea, project to project...somethings get finished, somethings don't, and ongoing things get neglected. I want so much to be those people who get things done. But I'm not.
I know it has something to do with something. I can tell that I'm doing OK but not great. I'm still struggling with some emotions - not sure what they are (stress? anger? fear? sadness?) but I'm eating them and avoiding them. I've eaten so much crap lately. Recognizing this gets me an A for effort, but really doesn't mean anything. I did go to the store yesterday and buy (mostly) healthy stuff. I'm making a valiant effort to plan my meals and get to the gym. It's not just eating either. Until yesterday, my apartment was a disaster. Not just messy - but hazardly cluttered with stuff flung everywhere.
I've just been staying so busy - working, knitting, reading, going out. That's about it. Except I'm not just doing 1 thing at work - I'm usually doing 5. I've got 3 different knitting projects going. And I'm reading 4 books. And I don't just have 1 event to go to - I have 2 or 3 an evening. I know this is wrong. As Dr B told - you can't do more than 1 thing at a time - you can just do 1 thing and then another. I can see things starting to try their spiral, so I'm trying to hold it all together. Trying to control as much as I can. Trying... I like my 5 million projects. But I know things are suffering as a result. I may have to cool it - work on balance....finish a project or 2. Say NO to an invitation. Finish 1 book before starting another.
Thinking a bit - I realize that alot of what I have as outstanding projects or books or whatever are "commitments" to other people. I'm working on 1 scarf for myself - but all I can thinking about is finishing it so I have the needles to work on something for mom. I've got another 2 scarves for mom in the works. And I need to start this hat I promised I'd make kevin. And a ruffle scarf for Aunt Sharon. One of the books is for book club, 1 is for work, 2 are because I just felt like I had to read them. My new friends are sweet - they make it really hard to say no.
Of course it's even harder becacuse the fatalist in me is certain that the invites will stop coming - cause, you know...well I know they're not. But I keep thinking that every party, dinner out, happy hour is the last. I just need to remind myself that it's not.
Well blogger has a scheduled outage soon...I'm glad I figured this out. I can't make any promises that I can fix these things today or this week. But I guess - I have to remember - I can't do all this at once, and I can't please everybody all the time - the quality of all of it suffers...and so do I if I keep this up
I know it has something to do with something. I can tell that I'm doing OK but not great. I'm still struggling with some emotions - not sure what they are (stress? anger? fear? sadness?) but I'm eating them and avoiding them. I've eaten so much crap lately. Recognizing this gets me an A for effort, but really doesn't mean anything. I did go to the store yesterday and buy (mostly) healthy stuff. I'm making a valiant effort to plan my meals and get to the gym. It's not just eating either. Until yesterday, my apartment was a disaster. Not just messy - but hazardly cluttered with stuff flung everywhere.
I've just been staying so busy - working, knitting, reading, going out. That's about it. Except I'm not just doing 1 thing at work - I'm usually doing 5. I've got 3 different knitting projects going. And I'm reading 4 books. And I don't just have 1 event to go to - I have 2 or 3 an evening. I know this is wrong. As Dr B told - you can't do more than 1 thing at a time - you can just do 1 thing and then another. I can see things starting to try their spiral, so I'm trying to hold it all together. Trying to control as much as I can. Trying... I like my 5 million projects. But I know things are suffering as a result. I may have to cool it - work on balance....finish a project or 2. Say NO to an invitation. Finish 1 book before starting another.
Thinking a bit - I realize that alot of what I have as outstanding projects or books or whatever are "commitments" to other people. I'm working on 1 scarf for myself - but all I can thinking about is finishing it so I have the needles to work on something for mom. I've got another 2 scarves for mom in the works. And I need to start this hat I promised I'd make kevin. And a ruffle scarf for Aunt Sharon. One of the books is for book club, 1 is for work, 2 are because I just felt like I had to read them. My new friends are sweet - they make it really hard to say no.
Of course it's even harder becacuse the fatalist in me is certain that the invites will stop coming - cause, you know...well I know they're not. But I keep thinking that every party, dinner out, happy hour is the last. I just need to remind myself that it's not.
Well blogger has a scheduled outage soon...I'm glad I figured this out. I can't make any promises that I can fix these things today or this week. But I guess - I have to remember - I can't do all this at once, and I can't please everybody all the time - the quality of all of it suffers...and so do I if I keep this up
Saturday, September 29, 2007
A lot can change...
...In just a few hours.
So I did not feel well yesterday. Actually I felt better than I did Thursday evening, but I wasn't 100%. Nevertheless, there was a Yelp DYL (Destroy Your Liver - happy hour) in Oakland - which are few and far between. I replied on the event thread that I prob wouldn't make it because I was grouchy and felt icky and wanted to be a hermit. Well Tina (one of my favorites) wasn't having that and said that I had to come because she missed me. So I went.
And had a BLAST.
It was at the Congo Room in Rockridge. The night started with a few drinks with the rowdy yelpers. Then the bar was taken over by a birthday party. Early in the party, a tall, (very) dark, and handsome (and well-dressed...hello! my favorite type) man walked in - but he couldn't really see me because I was mixed in with my group and he was with his. I made the right moves to be kinda noticed - but nothing. Finally...Lise's husband (my new dating guru) and Tina's man said that it would be perfectly acceptable for me to buy this guy a drink. So I bought my drink and asked the bartender if she knew what he was drinking - she did - so I bought it, took it over, said hi, and walked away. A few minutes later, he waved me over and said: Thanks, but you can't bring a drink over and then walk away. So we talked. He's pretty nice. Great looking. Later we danced a little, went back to our respective groups then danced more later. He has my number... but you know what - it was enough just to kinda test out being brazen.
So moral of the story - when you have nothing to lose...you may have something to gain. Or something like that. I'm still a wee bit hungover.
So I did not feel well yesterday. Actually I felt better than I did Thursday evening, but I wasn't 100%. Nevertheless, there was a Yelp DYL (Destroy Your Liver - happy hour) in Oakland - which are few and far between. I replied on the event thread that I prob wouldn't make it because I was grouchy and felt icky and wanted to be a hermit. Well Tina (one of my favorites) wasn't having that and said that I had to come because she missed me. So I went.
And had a BLAST.
It was at the Congo Room in Rockridge. The night started with a few drinks with the rowdy yelpers. Then the bar was taken over by a birthday party. Early in the party, a tall, (very) dark, and handsome (and well-dressed...hello! my favorite type) man walked in - but he couldn't really see me because I was mixed in with my group and he was with his. I made the right moves to be kinda noticed - but nothing. Finally...Lise's husband (my new dating guru) and Tina's man said that it would be perfectly acceptable for me to buy this guy a drink. So I bought my drink and asked the bartender if she knew what he was drinking - she did - so I bought it, took it over, said hi, and walked away. A few minutes later, he waved me over and said: Thanks, but you can't bring a drink over and then walk away. So we talked. He's pretty nice. Great looking. Later we danced a little, went back to our respective groups then danced more later. He has my number... but you know what - it was enough just to kinda test out being brazen.
So moral of the story - when you have nothing to lose...you may have something to gain. Or something like that. I'm still a wee bit hungover.
Friday, September 28, 2007
This week in review
Wow - another unspectacular week. If you wanted to know how I'm doing - a little better. A little.
Why?
1. The friend that stood me up is now ignoring me. I don't get it. It's her malfunction, not mine, but hurts all the same
2. Had a nice first meeting with the Yelper book club Lust For kNowledge
3. I'm slightly freaked out for reasons I don't feel like sharing with the whole wide world. But I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
4. I bought some fun yarn this week. Noro - I've never worked with it before, but I found a fun and interesting pattern that calls for it.
5. Earned some bonus points with my writing at work this week - that's always good.
6. I found out that the support group that was really working for me is going to be disbanded in 2 weeks
See - unspectacular. Not amazingly good or bad. But I have to have to have to get out of my funk over this weekend. It is non-negotiable. I have plans to go to a nice wine tasting hosted by Yelp for the Elite members on Monday and then Wednesday night I leave for what should be a fun weekend in Chicago. I don't have the time or the energy or the liberty to be all funked out.
Why?
1. The friend that stood me up is now ignoring me. I don't get it. It's her malfunction, not mine, but hurts all the same
2. Had a nice first meeting with the Yelper book club Lust For kNowledge
3. I'm slightly freaked out for reasons I don't feel like sharing with the whole wide world. But I'm hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
4. I bought some fun yarn this week. Noro - I've never worked with it before, but I found a fun and interesting pattern that calls for it.
5. Earned some bonus points with my writing at work this week - that's always good.
6. I found out that the support group that was really working for me is going to be disbanded in 2 weeks
See - unspectacular. Not amazingly good or bad. But I have to have to have to get out of my funk over this weekend. It is non-negotiable. I have plans to go to a nice wine tasting hosted by Yelp for the Elite members on Monday and then Wednesday night I leave for what should be a fun weekend in Chicago. I don't have the time or the energy or the liberty to be all funked out.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
No one tells you...
No one tells you that when you pack up all your shit and move across country to a city where you don't know anyone that you may end up living there for a year and still not have any reliable friends. They don't tell you that you will be unable to make any fun plans - even a few days ahead - because you never know what will happen.
My friend/co-worker Ann flaked on going to the Giants game tonight. I've been wanting to go to a game all season but had been unable to find anyone to go with me. This being the last week of the season (the Giants suck and will not being going to the playoffs), she agreed on Wednesday to go. I put 2 view reserved tickets over the 3rd base line on my debit card and have been so excited about it. Then it rained today. It's just supposed to be cold and foggy today (when isn't it), but she doesn't want to go. I texted my one other friend - nope, he doesn't either.
I've never had tons of friends. I'm too introverted and untrusting for that. I've always had my few close friends - wherever I am - and that's it. That's always been enough. Just 5 or 6 people who I could generally count on to keep me entertained and in good company whenever I was feeling like it. Which really isn't all that often. I've tried here. Joined things. Gone to random happy hours. Genuinely made an effort to be social and friendly - to build a network. For nothing. For a year later to be sitting here with $60 of tickets and no one to go with.
It wasn't always perfect in DC. Lord knows I had more than my share of lonely days. But let's face it - they were more than likely my own fault...the result of enjoying being isolated and being terrified that if I didn't inflict my own isolation, I may be isolated by the rest of the world anyway because why would anyone actually want to be in my company, right?
And so now - despite my efforts and good intentions - I'm still alone. The horrible negative voice in my head - the one I have worked so hard this year to shut off...regardless of everything that has happened - is having it's own little celebratory party. Reminding me of all the reasons why I don't have friends. Reminding me why it's not worth it to even try. It was so much easier to be lonely when I didn't want or need anything else. But now, really? What is the point? For whatever reason - I just don't have what everyone else has or gets or whatever. I don't know how they do it. How do they get friends? How do other peoeple get to be so happy with their lives?
This is what no one tells you. That the world isn't fair. That some people will get happily ever after. And some of us will get shit. That no matter what you can't change what group you're in. And that when you think you have, when you've worked your ass off and try your hardest, you're still not going to change your fate.
My friend/co-worker Ann flaked on going to the Giants game tonight. I've been wanting to go to a game all season but had been unable to find anyone to go with me. This being the last week of the season (the Giants suck and will not being going to the playoffs), she agreed on Wednesday to go. I put 2 view reserved tickets over the 3rd base line on my debit card and have been so excited about it. Then it rained today. It's just supposed to be cold and foggy today (when isn't it), but she doesn't want to go. I texted my one other friend - nope, he doesn't either.
I've never had tons of friends. I'm too introverted and untrusting for that. I've always had my few close friends - wherever I am - and that's it. That's always been enough. Just 5 or 6 people who I could generally count on to keep me entertained and in good company whenever I was feeling like it. Which really isn't all that often. I've tried here. Joined things. Gone to random happy hours. Genuinely made an effort to be social and friendly - to build a network. For nothing. For a year later to be sitting here with $60 of tickets and no one to go with.
It wasn't always perfect in DC. Lord knows I had more than my share of lonely days. But let's face it - they were more than likely my own fault...the result of enjoying being isolated and being terrified that if I didn't inflict my own isolation, I may be isolated by the rest of the world anyway because why would anyone actually want to be in my company, right?
And so now - despite my efforts and good intentions - I'm still alone. The horrible negative voice in my head - the one I have worked so hard this year to shut off...regardless of everything that has happened - is having it's own little celebratory party. Reminding me of all the reasons why I don't have friends. Reminding me why it's not worth it to even try. It was so much easier to be lonely when I didn't want or need anything else. But now, really? What is the point? For whatever reason - I just don't have what everyone else has or gets or whatever. I don't know how they do it. How do they get friends? How do other peoeple get to be so happy with their lives?
This is what no one tells you. That the world isn't fair. That some people will get happily ever after. And some of us will get shit. That no matter what you can't change what group you're in. And that when you think you have, when you've worked your ass off and try your hardest, you're still not going to change your fate.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I think I picked the wrong career
I really thinking I was supposed to be a teacher - specifically an algebra teacher. Not to sound braggy, but I have a gift for explaining algebra and I like it and I like seeing when a kid gets it. Granted I'm only 3 weeks into tutoring, but it's going very well - I had a repeat student yesterday from last week and was able to explain a concept to another student that the other tutor and the student's mom couldn't. Yay!
But there's not much I can do about it. Until I find a rich husband who can help pay for my student loans, I can't just throw away my B.S.B.A. and go back to school for teaching credentials. How was I supposed to know what my gifts were at age 20? How am I supposed to know, now, what my gifts are? I'm good at what I do. I enjoy it. it's not completely horrible or great, but I don't dread going to work the way I did in past positions. But how do I know if this is what I'm supposed to do?
But there's not much I can do about it. Until I find a rich husband who can help pay for my student loans, I can't just throw away my B.S.B.A. and go back to school for teaching credentials. How was I supposed to know what my gifts were at age 20? How am I supposed to know, now, what my gifts are? I'm good at what I do. I enjoy it. it's not completely horrible or great, but I don't dread going to work the way I did in past positions. But how do I know if this is what I'm supposed to do?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Brilliant and Fabulous Recipe - Shrimp Veracruz
I just realized that I could share something brilliant and fabulous this week...a recipe!
My friend and coworker Ann is always teasing me about how I cook. So does my mom. I just don't want to fall into the idea of being the quintessential single woman eating light popcorn, Lean Cuisine and Haagen-Dazs for dinner. Not that I don't have popcorn (and wine) for dinner. Occasionally. But most of the time I like to have real food and a nice home-cooked meal.
That said - I'm always on the hunt for easy, quick, made for 1 or 2 meals. The website Yumsugar almost always delivers. Having met Ms. Yumsugar herself, I know that she's also young, brilliant, fabulous, and busy (she's a fellow Yelper). I found this recipe a few months ago and it's totally part of my repertoire/rotation because it's yummy, quick, and can be made with ingredients I almost always have on hand.
My friend and coworker Ann is always teasing me about how I cook. So does my mom. I just don't want to fall into the idea of being the quintessential single woman eating light popcorn, Lean Cuisine and Haagen-Dazs for dinner. Not that I don't have popcorn (and wine) for dinner. Occasionally. But most of the time I like to have real food and a nice home-cooked meal.
That said - I'm always on the hunt for easy, quick, made for 1 or 2 meals. The website Yumsugar almost always delivers. Having met Ms. Yumsugar herself, I know that she's also young, brilliant, fabulous, and busy (she's a fellow Yelper). I found this recipe a few months ago and it's totally part of my repertoire/rotation because it's yummy, quick, and can be made with ingredients I almost always have on hand.
Some notes - I use Trader Joe's or Contessa brand frozen, cooked, tail off shrimp instead of raw - this does change the cooking time a little. I also almost always use regular onions (usually small walla walla onions from the farmer's market) - cause I have them on hand. I serve with whole wheat cous cous. Enjoy!Fire Roasted Tomato-Shrimp Veracruz
From Oprah1 tbsp. olive oil
1 pound medium raw shrimp, shelled and deveined, tails removed (if desired)
4 medium green onions, sliced (about 1/4 cup)
1 medium fresh jalapeño or serrano chile, stemmed, seeded and finely chopped
1 tsp. grated orange zest
1 tsp. chopped fresh thyme leaves or 1/2 tsp. dried thyme leaves
1 14 1/2-oz. can fire-roasted diced tomatoes, undrained. (If fire-roasted tomatoes are unavailable, use regular canned diced tomatoes.)
- In a 12-inch skillet, heat the olive oil over medium-high heat. Cook the shrimp, green onions, chile, orange zest and thyme in the oil for 1 minute, stirring frequently.
- Stir in the tomatoes. Heat the mixture until it boils.
- Reduce the heat; simmer, uncovered, for about 5 minutes, or until shrimp are pink and firm and sauce is slightly thickened, stirring occasionally.
Serves 4.
Nutritional information: 180 calories, 5 grams fat, 1 gram saturated fat, 172 mg of cholesterol, 400 mg sodium, 7 grams carbohydrate, 1 gram fiber, 24 grams protein
Boringest Week Ever
Um yeah, I went to a great school. ;)
But seriously, I haven't posted in nearly a week because my life is sooooo incredibly boring. Yet, I've been insanely busy. So what gives, right?
Well - in an attempt to deliver either a) something interesting or b) proof that I'm a total loser, here's the highlights of my week.
But seriously, I haven't posted in nearly a week because my life is sooooo incredibly boring. Yet, I've been insanely busy. So what gives, right?
Well - in an attempt to deliver either a) something interesting or b) proof that I'm a total loser, here's the highlights of my week.
- I can leg press 450 lbs now. I love lifting weights. I hate the shocked guys who feel the need to comment on it.
- I finished knitting my first hat. This is the first non-scarf that I've made. I'm also working on another hat and a scarf for mom.
- I drank 3 mimosas (they were $3 each) for no reason on Sunday. I think we should all drink champagne for no reason - all the time. Then I got a manicure. I really need to find a rich husband ASAP - I wanna do this everyday...drink, get pampered. So if any of my 3 or so readers have any rich, generous (preferably black) friends...I'm cute, single, cook well and have other skills.
- I'm obsessed with The Wire and Weeds. Add this to Big Love and my netflix queue is filled with TV shows on DVD. Maybe I should just get cable.
- I won Will.I.Am's new cd from Popbytes because I knew the name of the deceased rapper (and his label) who discovered Will and put together the Black Eyed Peas. (Pssst...it was Eazy-E...thanks! Z for giving me that bit of useless information).
- I'm going to the Giants vs Reds game on Saturday.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Random thoughts for today
Kinda all over the the place today - Hopefully, I'll get my mind straightened out this weekend.
In the meantime here's a slightly coherent, tangential post of pretty much unrelated topics:
Lolcat from http://www.smoothharold.com/2007/03/how-to-drive-site-traffic-by-going.html
In the meantime here's a slightly coherent, tangential post of pretty much unrelated topics:
I effing love the internets. I LOVE the internets. I have a hard time believing there was life pre-internets. Shopping, meeting people, finding things, watching television...seriously - is there anything you CAN'T do on the internet. Today's obsession - pandora.com. I know, I'm like 2 years late, but I love it. Especially since my iPod died. It totally saves me from having to listen to people at work. Not that I wouldn't want to listen to people at work. But you know - having an endless supply of music makes things nice. Besides music, I just love how a medium that had the potential to isolate us has really brought us together. Thanks to instant message an message boards, I've kept up with friends regardless of distance and met new friends.- I'm obsessed with knitting right now. I got like this last fall too. But now I know how to make hats. Oh yeah.
- I wish I had more girl friends. I had a great talk night before last with my friend Patty. We worked together when we were both in school in DC. Then she moved back to NYC and now I'm out here. But it was just such a great talk. It would be nice if I had a friend like her to hang out with and drink wine and chill and just have fun. Not to say I don't miss my DC friends in general.
- I'm enjoying tutoring. Yesterday was my second day tutoring at the Oakland libraries. I've worked with 2 different adorable young men with math. Its fun and so rewarding to help them. I wish there were more girls - so I could be more of a mentor, but this is pretty good too
- The universe has a f*cked up sense of humor. I don't wanna go into too many details but why is it that nothing ever turns out 100% right. Things are always "great...but...". Like - you meet a great guy...but he wants to be friends. Or you meet another and there's something off about him. Or you have a great apartment but there's no kitchen. Or you move to a great place but you have no friends or... or... you know. Like seriously - is it possible to just get something good...without turning around and being bitchslapped by reality?
Lolcat from http://www.smoothharold.com/2007/03/how-to-drive-site-traffic-by-going.html
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Adventures in Dating...an update
7 replies
4 definite nos
3 with possibility
1 first date
There won't be a second.
4 definite nos
3 with possibility
1 first date
There won't be a second.
Touchy Subject?
I have a hard time talking to my (mostly white) friends about race issues. Sometimes I initiate the conversation, sometimes it just ends up there, sometimes they start it, but it always frustrates me.
I think it's because I already have a conflicted view of my own racial identity. Don't get me wrong. I'm black. I close enough to some relatives who "passed" to maybe play the "I've got some Indian in me" game. But I'm black. However, I grew up in a very white world. My mother was raised to not speak in vernacular - so I was, too. My diction combined with my tendencies towards classic/staid clothes and academic pursuits often end with me being asked "Do you think you're white?" Moving away from Indiana and growing up a little have allowed me to become more comfortable with who I am...but just barely.
So, talking about race issues becomes complicated for me because I feel a) that I have to speak for the whole of black America and black womanhood and b) that I don't have the right to say anything - because I'm not "black" enough. I realize that a) is impossible. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure my friends don't expect me to be their official black spokesperson. I also realize that b) isn't too realistic either - and that as a black woman, I have every right to share my experiences.
My inner conflict then blossoms into frustration because I want to call them on their views that I often feel are dismissive, naive, and simplistic. Too many discussions feel like my views - because they're predicated on race - are incorrect. Or that my friends don't really believe that it's that challenging. Or that they really think that if we close our eyes, hold hands and sing kumbiyah, we'll wipe it all away. I don't know how to explain this frustration. Or how the reality of my personal confusion makes dealing with being black and woman in America so
difficult.
Right now - I don't feel like saying anything further. It's so exhausting. Plus it makes me sad cause I'd really just like some black woman friends who I can discuss this with. So dealing with this - and my general issues just brings to front the pain of black women never liking me. I know at this point it's just self fulfilling prophecy because I avoid interactions with black women so that I don't have to endure the pain of yet more rejection.
I think it's because I already have a conflicted view of my own racial identity. Don't get me wrong. I'm black. I close enough to some relatives who "passed" to maybe play the "I've got some Indian in me" game. But I'm black. However, I grew up in a very white world. My mother was raised to not speak in vernacular - so I was, too. My diction combined with my tendencies towards classic/staid clothes and academic pursuits often end with me being asked "Do you think you're white?" Moving away from Indiana and growing up a little have allowed me to become more comfortable with who I am...but just barely.
So, talking about race issues becomes complicated for me because I feel a) that I have to speak for the whole of black America and black womanhood and b) that I don't have the right to say anything - because I'm not "black" enough. I realize that a) is impossible. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure my friends don't expect me to be their official black spokesperson. I also realize that b) isn't too realistic either - and that as a black woman, I have every right to share my experiences.
My inner conflict then blossoms into frustration because I want to call them on their views that I often feel are dismissive, naive, and simplistic. Too many discussions feel like my views - because they're predicated on race - are incorrect. Or that my friends don't really believe that it's that challenging. Or that they really think that if we close our eyes, hold hands and sing kumbiyah, we'll wipe it all away. I don't know how to explain this frustration. Or how the reality of my personal confusion makes dealing with being black and woman in America so
difficult.
Right now - I don't feel like saying anything further. It's so exhausting. Plus it makes me sad cause I'd really just like some black woman friends who I can discuss this with. So dealing with this - and my general issues just brings to front the pain of black women never liking me. I know at this point it's just self fulfilling prophecy because I avoid interactions with black women so that I don't have to endure the pain of yet more rejection.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
I am not my hair - or am I?
In 2002, I cut off all my hair. ALL of it. well most of it...but I got sick of the drama of having relaxed hair and cut it off. For almost 3 years, I had a "natural" - I eventually texturized my hair, but no relaxer. Then I tried to do a more "conservative look" and relaxed it, only to have to cut it all off again because the relaxer had done so much damage.So for the last 2 years I had a natural. Well I still have a natural - but it's under a weave.
Yep - a weave...like Beyonce, Tyra, and all of them...
My hair is longer than it's been in 20 years. And by my hair I mean the weave. I've had braids. I had braids for the last year, but decided to try something new.
I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I know - for $400 I damn well better love it. Which I do. But have I sold out? When I cut off my hair, I got a lot of questions and comments about men, particularly black men, preferring long hair. At the time I said - "I refuse to be defined by my
hair"...and actually I hooked up more in that first year of short hair, than I have since (but maybe that doesn't mean much).Now, I am, as my mom put it, the "dream look...long hair and light skin" (and yes, by the way, I've got a nice booty). I'm pretty sure I did this for me. But I'm completely sure that I'm enjoying the glances that are way more appreciative than they were with my little afro only last week. Or maybe I just notice them more.
Adventures in Dating...
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and hoping for different results. Me + craigslist = insanity. I keep saying I'm going to stop posting personals, but I don't. I'm about to post another one as soon as I think of something witty to say. I mean what does it hurt really? It's annoying, yes. And a little depressing - particularly when a guy doesn't reply after seeing my pic. Like really? You're trolling craigslist, too, stop acting like you're really something special.
I guess it really just highlights the general state of my love life. Generally I'm not impressed by anyone - and apparently no one is impressed by me either. I did meet an interesting guy at the gym last week - unfortunately he's African. And, making sweeping generalizations, African guys are chauvinistic and possessive - so that wouldn't work for me. I really don't understand, though, why it's so difficult to find a smart, interesting, ambitious, good looking black man in the Bay Area. Not that there were tons in DC, but still. They're all either in their 30s (nothing wrong with that, but they think I'm "young") or they're none of the above - they have kids, they're ugly, they're dumb as all get out (or think it's cool to seem it), they're dull, they can't hold a conversation. Sigh.
In the meantime - here's the latest example of my insanity:
I guess it really just highlights the general state of my love life. Generally I'm not impressed by anyone - and apparently no one is impressed by me either. I did meet an interesting guy at the gym last week - unfortunately he's African. And, making sweeping generalizations, African guys are chauvinistic and possessive - so that wouldn't work for me. I really don't understand, though, why it's so difficult to find a smart, interesting, ambitious, good looking black man in the Bay Area. Not that there were tons in DC, but still. They're all either in their 30s (nothing wrong with that, but they think I'm "young") or they're none of the above - they have kids, they're ugly, they're dumb as all get out (or think it's cool to seem it), they're dull, they can't hold a conversation. Sigh.
In the meantime - here's the latest example of my insanity:
SBW - Are you looking for me? - 25 (oakland hills / mills)
Reply to: pers-415648991@craigslist.org
Date: 1969-12-31, 4:33PM PST
Are you looking for a smart, sweet, sexy, sophisticated woman?
Well - HI!
I'm all of those...and a little more. I'm 25, live in Oakland, and have been in the Bay Area for a year. I'm not outdoorsy, but I enjoy hiking and learned how to snowboard last season. I enjoy good wine, interesting conversation, and traveling (internationally and domestic). I listen to NPR, hip hop, classic rock, experimental folk, and RnB. I love to laugh and dance and knit and shop. I have a hard time saying no and am a bit of a bleeding heart - so I volunteer with a couple organizations in Oakland. I try to spend as many hours at the gym as I do trying to find a good happy hour.
So I'm hoping you're looking for someone like me. I'm looking for someone who is smart, can make me laugh and can make me blush. I'm looking for someone who likes hiking and happy hours and hopping on a plane to wherever whenever the mood strikes. I'm allergic to drama. I don't do drugs, and you shouldn't either.
I'm hoping you'll reply to this ad with a picture and tell me something interesting about yourself. Something so interesting that I'll actually laugh out loud here at work (or maybe just get a sweet, slightly naughty smile). I'll reply back with a picture of me and hopefully we can get a good conversation going. Single black men preferred - being single and a man isn't optional.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
One year later
A year ago today, I moved to Oakland. I got in. Picked up my rental truck (from Zipcar) and went to Ikea to replace my furniture.
1 year
2 apartments
1 roommate
1 cat
and lots more other stuff later.
I'm still here. In sum, I think it was a good move. I don't know if it was just the timing of the move with the other stuff, but I've definitely been stretched and have grown. That's not to say that there aren't days when I miss DC. I do. It was home. I'm also (fairly often) genuinely lonely here. I've found the odd person to hang out with and groups to join. But that's not the same as having real actual friends. I'm learning to deal with it. I think that my sudden desperation to get married is definitely heightened by being here - alone.
Beyond the loneliness, this was a good move. Like I said - I've stretched and grown. I have tried new things - like hiking and snowboarding. It's a better place career wise. And all around, it's just been good for me.
This was total prattle. It's hard to put in words the experience of moving cross country.
1 year
2 apartments
1 roommate
1 cat
and lots more other stuff later.
I'm still here. In sum, I think it was a good move. I don't know if it was just the timing of the move with the other stuff, but I've definitely been stretched and have grown. That's not to say that there aren't days when I miss DC. I do. It was home. I'm also (fairly often) genuinely lonely here. I've found the odd person to hang out with and groups to join. But that's not the same as having real actual friends. I'm learning to deal with it. I think that my sudden desperation to get married is definitely heightened by being here - alone.
Beyond the loneliness, this was a good move. Like I said - I've stretched and grown. I have tried new things - like hiking and snowboarding. It's a better place career wise. And all around, it's just been good for me.
This was total prattle. It's hard to put in words the experience of moving cross country.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
A bit of perspective
I'm not a believer in the idea that you should downplay what's going on in your life because someone else has it worse. Someone always has it worse - but that doesn't mean that my shit isn't valid.
That said sometimes you hear about someone else and their struggles and how much worse they have it and how they're kicking ass and it's just like: whoa. I've just got depression and superficial stuff - but this, this is real.
That's how I felt when I read this blog posting by Jeff W., a fellow "Yelper" who I don't know, but but I admire for sharing his story. I am impressed and inspired by his strength. I was also happy to hear earlier today that the mass spotted on the scan was not cancerous. Nevertheless, I'm sending positive thoughts, well wishes, and prayers for Jeff's health and love to his family.
That said sometimes you hear about someone else and their struggles and how much worse they have it and how they're kicking ass and it's just like: whoa. I've just got depression and superficial stuff - but this, this is real.
That's how I felt when I read this blog posting by Jeff W., a fellow "Yelper" who I don't know, but but I admire for sharing his story. I am impressed and inspired by his strength. I was also happy to hear earlier today that the mass spotted on the scan was not cancerous. Nevertheless, I'm sending positive thoughts, well wishes, and prayers for Jeff's health and love to his family.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
If I looked like this...
If I looked like this:
Saleisha from ANTM9
I would be such a bitch. And would dress like a hooker. Seriously, I would be horrible. You would hate me. Which is why God will never let me look like that. Plus there's my love of Haagen-Dazs.
Now, lest you think that I'm worrying my pretty little head about EVER being that thin...I'm not. I, personally, would look like a bobble head if I put my head on that body. I honestly like my body. But I would be such a bitch if I looked like that. An unbearable bitch.
But speaking of ANTM and being a not small person. This is the token plus size girl:
Sarah from ANTM9
Saleisha from ANTM9Now, lest you think that I'm worrying my pretty little head about EVER being that thin...I'm not. I, personally, would look like a bobble head if I put my head on that body. I honestly like my body. But I would be such a bitch if I looked like that. An unbearable bitch.
But speaking of ANTM and being a not small person. This is the token plus size girl:
Sarah from ANTM9Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
Photos from: http://community.livejournal.com/topmodel/1659691.html
Photos from: http://community.livejournal.com/topmodel/1659691.html
The visit
Mom and I in Chicago this Summer
Here's the backstory. I am the quintessential member of the black middle class in-between generation. We're just like any other first-generation American group, except our parents were born here. For me, this means straddling between the highly religious, family oriented, thrifty world of my mom's and the fun, spiritual not religious, consumeristic world of my (mostly white) peers. It's remembering that while I occasionally curse around friends - or at least lace my sentences with an effing or hella, that's not acceptable. It's remembering to hide my condoms and cigarettes and "toy" when she visits. It's remembering to call before a date to pre-empt any interruptions.
It is tiring. Extremely tiring. And I know, as I'm told any time she visits, that I'm a "grown-ass woman", but it's a lot easier to be a grown-ass woman when she's 2000 miles away. It's simplistic to think that I can just not do the necessary things - slip a curse word in here, leave the cigarettes I rarely smoke in the console of the car, and be open about who I spend time with. I know there are people who do that. People whose parents are open and understanding about premarital sex and cursing and whatever else. But I can't. Trust me - I can't. It's not like I could do that, tell her I'm a grown-ass woman and that be the end of it. No no no. I left a pack of cigarettes in my car years ago. I was 20. I'm still occasionally asked if I'm trying to "sneak and smoke." Ummmmm yeah - I'm 20something and live thousands of miles away...I don't have to sneak to smoke. I get regular lectures on the dangers (physical, like STDs, and emotional) of premarital sex...with the extra warning that it's going to send me to hell.
I am learning to give her a little more benefit of the doubt that she won't flip and just assert myself. I've finally admitted that I don't go to church, I don't want to go to church and I won't until I figure-out how I feel about church and God and religion. While she's hinted toward her disappointment a couple times (asking me if we were going to church this visit and how much she wants to), she's largely left me alone about it. I did tell her, ahead of time, of a trip to Tahoe with a guy I'd been kinda dating and she completely freaked me out by asking if I had cute undies and pajamas. I didn't tell her nothing happened on that trip.
And it's not just the superficial behaviors that I hide to gain her approval. Having her here, in my space, is a challenge. She hasn't arrived yet, but I'm exhausted from cleaning and planning and trying to show her that the sacrifices she made to raise me were worthwhile. In my own whacked out head, every visit is a referendum on my appreciation of everything I was given and an opportunity to ...I don't know....give her fodder for the parents' game of look what my kid is doing? show off my "maturity"? Lord only knows why I freak out so much about it. But I do.
So, she's visiting - for 8 days. Yes, I have everyday planned. Dinners, brunch, SFMoMA, Napa, a hike, the spa etc. Of course I'll be pissed when she wants to change most of it. And I have apartment stocked with goodies for her. Which I already slightly resent because she barely had any food in the house when I last visited her. But I really am happy she's visiting. Happy and stressed - but happy.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Engagements
OK - I'm going to say it one last time, and it's just going to have to count for everyone.
"Congratulations!"
There. I've said it. I'm happy for you. I think it's great that you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. I think all of your wedding ideas are great. It's going to be beautiful and who cares what your family wants - it's your day and as long as you're happy, that's all that matters.
Now, when is this going to happen for me??????????
I was never one of those girls who wanted to get married. I've always been fiercely independent, and I realize that this is more about feeling left out of the club that everyone is joining, than really being ready to make a lifetime commitment. But goshdarnit, I WANNA GET MARRIED.
Every week another friend gets engaged. I think I'm in the last 30 girls in my high school class to get married or engaged...and about 20 of them have long-term boyfriends and will get married soon. I'm seriously pushing the point where I can barely feign happiness and support for my friends. Which then just makes me feel like a bad person - and the fact that I'm a bad person is why I'm going to be single forever.
And it's not just the joy of having a lifelong companion, you get prizes for it. Meanwhile I have to buy all of my own kitchen gadgets and linens and undies. bah! Not to make this all about consumer goods, but really? Just cause I'm single I don't need a kitchenaid mixer? Sigh.
In all seriousness, I'm having a really tough time with this - inexplicably tough. I really just want to be happy for my friends and secure in the knowledge that at the right time and with the right person, this will happen for me, but I can't. I have very little faith in happy endings for me. So the fact that I'm very single basically destroys the hope that I'll be joining the married club any time soon. And yes - I know - when I stop looking, I'll find someone (god, I could write a whole entry on idiotic that sentence is), but my patience is thin.
So, in the meantime - Congratulations.
Ring photo courtesy tiffany.com
The Weekend and the Apartment
I live in a shoebox. Well, my landlady likes to call it a 400 sq ft in-law studio.
But for our purposes, we'll call it it a shoebox. And it's probably closer to 350 sq. ft, but who's counting.
Although I've lived there for 6 months, I was struggling with making the apartment liveable. According to the author of Apartment Therapy, you should be prepared to spend up to 1 month's rent in making the apartment fit your needs. Ummm well - I don't have that kind of cash sitting around. So I've been working at it a little at a time.
I had an unexpected influx of cash this week, so this weekend I tackled some of the things that would immediately make my life easier. I purchased storage for my kitchen (it's a converted space - so it had no cabinetry...just islands from Ikea and a small sideboard) and a couch.
The change has made a HUGE difference. I'll post some before and after pics soon (the apartment is in its usual state of mess) but cooking and living and eating is much easier. I've still a few other things to work out and other things that can't be changed, but I'm happy that my house is (almost) a home.
I have to highly recommend Apartment Therapy by Maxwell Gillingham-Ryan and his website/blog Apartment Therapy. He's starting another online 8-week "cure" on September 5. I'm not sure if I'm going to join into this one again, but if you live in a small space - it's a great way to start making it work for you.
But for our purposes, we'll call it it a shoebox. And it's probably closer to 350 sq. ft, but who's counting.
Although I've lived there for 6 months, I was struggling with making the apartment liveable. According to the author of Apartment Therapy, you should be prepared to spend up to 1 month's rent in making the apartment fit your needs. Ummm well - I don't have that kind of cash sitting around. So I've been working at it a little at a time.
I had an unexpected influx of cash this week, so this weekend I tackled some of the things that would immediately make my life easier. I purchased storage for my kitchen (it's a converted space - so it had no cabinetry...just islands from Ikea and a small sideboard) and a couch.
The change has made a HUGE difference. I'll post some before and after pics soon (the apartment is in its usual state of mess) but cooking and living and eating is much easier. I've still a few other things to work out and other things that can't be changed, but I'm happy that my house is (almost) a home.
I have to highly recommend Apartment Therapy by Maxwell Gillingham-Ryan and his website/blog Apartment Therapy. He's starting another online 8-week "cure" on September 5. I'm not sure if I'm going to join into this one again, but if you live in a small space - it's a great way to start making it work for you.
Friday, August 24, 2007
All About Me
I realized last night that in my introduction I really didn't say anything substantive about who I am. So here goes...
- I'm 24 years old
- I'm single
- I'm black/African American/a Person of Color/whatever the term is now
- I live in Oakland, CA
- I grew up in Indiana - and no, not Gary, Evansville
- I attended American University in Washington, DC
- Tuesday is my least favorite day of the week
- I don't know how to ride a bike
- I have suffered from Depression for most of my life
- My MBTI type is INTJ
- My favorite flowers are peonies and dahlias
- People I admire: my mom, my aunts (Ann, Vivi, Sharon), Carly Fiorina, Elaine Brown
- People who irk me: Beyonce, Tyra, probably others but they're repeat offenders
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Welcome to my brilliant and fabulous world
I think I'm pretty amazing. I want to share my amazingness with the world.
Wait, I don't think that sounded quite right.
Anyway, I have a pretty interesting (in a dull kinda way) life. I think I have knowledge and insight to offer because I've found brilliant and fabulous solutions to not optimal situations. I decided to create this blog as a venue for me to share my experiences and thoughts and ramblings (I ramble a lot) in the hope that I can make a difference.
I plan to talk about all the things that affect my life and whatever other random topics hit me. I had another blog that was quasi-political. This one is more quasi-personal. I'll try to represent my life in as truthful a manner as possible, but details will be changed to protect my identity/safety, the identities of others, and if they make me look really bad.
Please leave comments - I'll moderate, but try not to edit - cause I can always use more knowledge and insight to build on my brilliance and fabulousness.
Wait, I don't think that sounded quite right.
Anyway, I have a pretty interesting (in a dull kinda way) life. I think I have knowledge and insight to offer because I've found brilliant and fabulous solutions to not optimal situations. I decided to create this blog as a venue for me to share my experiences and thoughts and ramblings (I ramble a lot) in the hope that I can make a difference.
I plan to talk about all the things that affect my life and whatever other random topics hit me. I had another blog that was quasi-political. This one is more quasi-personal. I'll try to represent my life in as truthful a manner as possible, but details will be changed to protect my identity/safety, the identities of others, and if they make me look really bad.
Please leave comments - I'll moderate, but try not to edit - cause I can always use more knowledge and insight to build on my brilliance and fabulousness.
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